Sunday, August 14, 2011

Bases - Clarified

Have you ever watched a baseball game?

Yes? Awesome.

No? Well then this is a baseball diamond. (I'm not going to tell you the rules - just accept that this is a baseball diamond)

A poorly drawn one, but hey I haven't used paint in YEARS. Let's pretend it's awesome - a suspension of disbelief if you will.

If you have been anywhere in the dating world, ever. You know the baseball base system. If you don't you should pick up the rock you've been living under and go on a date.

If you don't I'll explain it... the baseball base sexual metaphor system, is a way to gauge how far one goes with a sexual partner. Certain bases mean certain things, progressing in level of involvement based on how close you get to a homerun.

Currently, the system is based on bases.
1st, 2nd, 3rd, and Homerun.

1st - Some make out action
2nd - Some touching of the mammaries and the pants zipper. Maybe the zipper's unzipped, who knows! But there's touching.
3rd - Anything Below the Belt - Wink Wink Nudge Nudge know what I mean? (NO I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!)
Home Run - WHOOPEE!

It's a system that has worked and been in use for years.

After chit chatting with a few friends, we decided that the current system leaves a lot of unnecessary room for clarification between 2nd, and 3rd. It's 2011 People, the sexual revolution happened. They say sex on the radio. They have sex in commercials for Windex. They have allusions to sex in kids movies (Rango - "You're moist with anticipation"). Sex is part of our lives, and it isn't going anywhere. Try as they might to ban kids putting condoms on bananas in school. It's not going anywhere.

So here's the question that is left not clarified in the current metaphor system... did someone visit downtown or didn't someone visit downtown...?

So, I'm proposing a revamped base system. A BASEMEN-based system.
1st, 2nd, Short Stop, 3rd, and Homerun.

It has long been pushed off to the side like a neglected step-child and for the sake of the touchy feel-y base thing, aka, sexual metaphorical baseball standards, I'm proposing we include short stop, due to the fact that there is a man/lady there catching balls left and right with the best of them, and for too long he/she has been left out, even though he catches the majority of the line drives. It's my opinion he has been left out long enough! He needs some recognition! He needs some love! He needs some coochie-coochie just like the rest of the basemen!

So I propose the following basemen based metaphor list.
1st - Some make out action: a little tongue here, some tongue over there, you get it.
2nd - Some handsy making out: A touch, touch here and a touch, touch there.
Short Stop - Hands under the clothes in places you wouldn't want your mamma to know about.
3rd - No holds barred...
Home Run (Catcher just sounds lame) - WHOOPEE!

It might be more graphic, but it leaves less room for the imagination. What do you think?


  1. This was already an excellent and amusing post, but when I clicked the link for 3rd, I burst out laughing.

    Also, based on the diagram I thought you were about to propose a new one-to-one representative system where the outfields on the left and right represent breasts and a long line drive down the middle would be kissing, so that home plate would be ... well, why would you even leave home plate if that were the case? No, never mind.

    In hindsight, your explanation makes more sense.

  2. Haha!! Your imaginings make perfect sense to me, but if that's the case how would you turn it around with a guy being the baseball diamond? Would left and right field only count when manterboating moobs?

  3. LOL- I love it! How about this: instead of Catcher or Homerun...Battery? Pitch and catch is quite an innuendo...

    Hushed references about sex are actually what makes the whole process seem dirty- and not 'hee hee' dirty, but slimy, filthy dirty. Such a shame too, because sex really is such a beautiful thing. From the nervous tension, to the rip snorting primal blood boil to the afterglow cuddling (yes- this big mo fo said cuddling).

  4. you always bring practical advice to my dating life.
    next time i'm get a little steamy with a guy I'll be sure to bring up the base system.
    "hey dude, i don't know who you think i am but I don't go further then 2nd base on a first date. the most shortstop"

  5. @SingleDC I always thought of the base-system as being one that are used in reference to getting somewhere with women. I've heard, "I got to 2nd base with her," and "I let him get to 3rd with me, but that's it." So I didn't think that flipping the genders would apply.

    I suspect gay guys with each other just go right for graphic details.

    On the other hand, I will now forever remember the term "manterboating" and for that I thank you. And curse you.

  6. wow I didn't even realize that I haven't used this most classic analogy in what has to be... at least 5 years?

  7. Anonymous3/06/2012

    Rango Says...
    "The stage is set. The night moist with apprehension. Alone in her chamber, the princess prepares to take her own life."


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