Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Expand Your World

A lot of my friends seem to date the exact same people. The Jock; the Music Junky; the Pot Head, and while I'm sure that's great, the only real knowledge you gain from that is which protein powder works best or which type of leaf smokes best, and if you're into that fine. Have at it!

On the flip side however is dating a wide variety of people. Why date the college cheerleader over and over again, when you know you're going to listen to multiple tales about how Susie never held her pom-poms right?

It's pointless to only date the exact same type of person over and over again.

Dating should be used, in my opinion, as a way to expand your horizons and learn about new cultures, foods, and experiences. Sure you love Mexican food, but how do you know exactly how much you appreciate the taste of a charbroiled fajita without experiencing the salty twang of a grape-leaf something or other at a middle eastern restaurant?

People so often pigeon hole themselves into believing that they can only like one type of person, that, to be blunt; they're missing out.

Why not date against type? You have no idea the knowledge which could be strewn at your feet, personally from the masses I've learned to count to 10 in Albanian, how to mix the perfect buttery nipple (haha), and how to pretend that I like cars. For the record, I don't like cars. I like the ability they have to get me from here to there and I love my little box a car, Terrence, but aside from that I have no idea what a hemi is, and to be perfectly honest the argument of rotary versus block engines, makes me nauseous. On top of that, due to the school I just graduated from, if I have one more man yell at me or start an argument against my religious or political views, I'm going to punch them. But now I know that.

I've learned the finer points of president Abe Lincoln, the intricacies of electrolysis therapy, and believe it or not, did you know pit bulls are actually terriers?! Go figure.

Here's what I'm saying.

You could be an expert in Pom-Poms or you could get a rounded out view of the world. Catch the drift? I don't mean to pick on cheerleaders, but there is a whole world out there, which you can learn about via dating.

If you haven't had the chance to travel around the world or visit small town America, dating can give you that rounded out world view. You can date a guy from the backwoods of West Virginia one night, and a world traveler the next. You can get those experiences and at the same time; you'll also be getting great travel tips.

Why put your friends through the difficulty of remembering Big Jock # 6, when you could give them names like Prince of Serbia or the Lumberjack?! I'm just saying that dating a wide array isn't just beneficial for you, but is also beneficial for your dating life, because there's no way in hell that your friends can confuse the 6' 12" (joke) basketball player with the tiny yet burly doctor. You get the drift? Essentially you'll never have to worry about your friends cross naming people. I.e. Tony will never have to be worried about being called David and vice versa.

DATE AROUND! That's the point, if you haven't gotten it.
You'll not only expand your mind, but you'll also learn more about your likes and dislikes as you go along.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Internet Dating...

Or... how I can decide in .352 seconds whether or not we're going to have babies.

The fad.

You joined it.

You're tired of the endless string of pictures.

You have no idea who out of this endless sea of fish would be a good potential.

I have the solution...

A list of things, which will help you decide if he's NOT mr. right, or she's NOT miss perfect, in .352 seconds.

1. If his tongue is sticking out... no.
I once had a friend tell me if I stuck it out I was going to have to share it... since then, people who stick their tongues out in that playful, cute way now only mean once thing... I wanna share this with you.

2. If there are no close ups of your face... no
For all those people who are pondering, but she looks great, look she likes doing blah, blah, blah. Odds are when you see her up close for the first time. You'll know why there were no close ups.

3, The above rule also goes for faces hidden with glasses, hats, scuba gear, or halloween masks... no
If I can't see your face, I can't tell if I'm attracted to you, so for the love of all things right... CLOSE UPS people.

4, The picture with their "banging bod.".. no
Why would you want to show an internet full of people, the skin underneath your clothes. Now granted yes, you have a six packs, and those pecs/ upper body looks amazing, but there's a reason these people are attempting to sway you to date them/talk to them using their body. The lack of personality from spending more hours at a gym than broadening their minds, typically means that the only thing they'll have to talk about... is themselves. So, if you like narcissistic dates, then have at them, otherwise, admire the wrapping and move on.

5, If the potential is surrounded by biddies..no
First, you want to know 'what is a biddie?' It's a person of the same sex/gender as you, whom appears to be overtly slutty, whiny, dramatic, or a man stealer. They typically hang around members of the opposite sex looking for handouts or sex. If you notice that the potential is surrounded by people who look like biddies... RUN. Why? Because it means either one of two things, one, if they mean nothing to him, then he's literally a biddie chaser, or two if they're his closest friends, you should be prepared to become acquainted and hang out with said biddies. Your choice, but I highly don't recommend pursuing.

6, The person who looks 12 but it says 18.
Odds are if this person looks 12, and picked the just legal age of consent... They're 12 and are just trying to attract older prey. Stay away unless you want a potential law suit and some jail time. :/

7, The guy/girl, who holds up their collar to prove that they can pop it.
come on... really?

8, The person sitting on a throne.
Every girl deserves to be treated like a princess. That doesn't mean that they have to demand it. Same goes for guys. If anyone is sitting on a throne in their photo, they're essentially saying if you don't adore me like a peasant and treat me like the royalty I am, then you're going to feel my ruling rath!

9, If they have more than one picture where they appear to be imbibing alcohol... no
Why, you ask, should you hit next, when coming across this person? Easy. If they're that obsessed with alcohol, they're either an alcoholic or a social alcoholic. If they couldn't find pictures of themselves not partaking of the sauce, or they're using the pictures to show how much fun they are, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the only fun they have is drinking. This limits other fun activities, which don't involve hangovers or drunken revelry.

10, If they're making more love to the camera than they should... i.e. They're lecherously staring into your soul via the internet.
These people want one thing. I'll let you imagine what it is. But you're thinking, so do I! People who look lecherously into a camera don't care that the camera isn't real, they're also not going to care about whether or not you say no means no.

11. If they're making out with an old hiking boot (I WISH I WAS MAKING THIS UP).
If the object of the profile has photos where they're making out with inanimate objects and it's actually, not, funny, i.e. hiking boot. It's time to move on. If they're 'making out' with things that are funny, see sting ray, statue, or a mascot, then you can judge based on how funny you intimate the photo is.

12. Model Shots.
You know exactly what I'm talking about. It looks like the same setting, the same lighting, and boy do they look too good to be true. Odds are, either this person is a model (go for it) or this person found an attractive person via an internet search and used those pictures as their own... If you want to see whether or not this person really looks like the person they have represented themselves to be, ask for a casual shot of them... outside of the workplace.


After I've completely berated nearly everyone using internet dating... I'm going to be real. There are people out there using the internet to find real relationships, who aren't full of bull, and who aren't going to screw you over. The problem is trying to find these people is like searching for a pearl in a sea full of oysters, we know they're out there, but it's just difficult. I'm not saying it's not possible, because my brother found his girlfriend via the world wide web, and she's absolutely a sweet heart.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What this blog could get me...

So I realized today as I was reading MSN articles between transcribing footage, that blogs are an imperative part of todays job market.

Did you know that? Apparently, blogs are a great way to show writing samples and allow employers to show how dependable you can be.

After a quick rundown of my blog content, I realized plunking down a post on the desk of one of my potential employers in the television and film industry, might not be the best idea.

So I thought I would explore my options and tell my readers about the jobs I could get as a result of this blog.

1. Relationship Counselor
2. Match.com/Eharmony/etc... employee
3. Matchmaker
4. Relationship Blog/Columnist for Glamour.com
5. Escort
6. Prostitute
7. Bartender

You might question bartender, but when a bar is quiet, and the regular patrons are shuffling in (think cheers), how many times did Sam have to give relationship advice to the patrons? Exactly, I see this working out in the long run.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I'm Sorry, Too Busy

Rinng. Rinng. Beep. Beep. You've Got Mail! Tick Tick, clack clack.

Those are the noises of globalization.

The world as we know it is getting smaller and smaller.

I can sit on Skype and video chat with every friend I've ever wanted to.

I can send 20 separate texts a minute.

I can call all corners of the world... if they understand my broken Spanish or languid English.

But for some odd reason, amidst all this communication. People seem to still be too busy to be there when you need them or to be there when you're dating them or to be there in general.

I know my girls and my guys have run into this exact problem. You're dating someone, it's going good, and then summer is over, or they get a job, or they join an intensive daily kickball team. They'll swear to you up and down, yes I like you, but I'm just too busy to talk/call/text.

I'm going to be real with you. This is BULLSHIT.

I've heard the Doctorate excuse, the Grad Excuse, and the work excuse all before. I've heard it. I get it. You have way too many excuses for why you can't send a text, or you can't send a message. That's fine, but what you people out there using these excuses seem to forget something.

We're all busy.

For some odd reason for the past 15 years of my life I decided to throw myself into every extracurricular, academic achievement, and opportunity that arose. I've taken 4 grad classes in a semester on top of an internship, a job, painting and photography classes, and on top of that, running around in a mascot uniform once a week for four hours, and for some odd reason I was also able to find the time every single day to not only eat and sleep, but to also talk to my friends and family. I might not get to every single friend/family in one day, but in a week or two, I'll talk to every one in my life that matters. Through text, email, Facebook, or phone calls.

When you run into these people, who are just too busy... RUN don't walk. One day they'll become un-busy, but if you stand around and wait for them, one... you look desperate; two... you could wait years; three... you will have missed out on possible relationships or quality friendships with the people around you.

If they are actually interested in you. They make an effort, whether it be, a "Hey I'm thinking about you' text or an email sent from them as soon as they get done with their commute, or a five minute phone call during a study break.

If they're not interested... you'll be getting that busy excuse a lot.

BUT to those of you out there, who are just TOO BUSY to find out how the girl/guy you like is doing, and you actually DO like them, stop d@cking around.

When all it takes is a 5 second text, to see how someone is doing, and you've represented your feelings as those of caring towards someone, and you avoid/"forget" to text, you actually just might be a HORRIBLE person.

Now if you've moved on that's one thing, but if that's the case... you need to tell them. Again, Slow Fading or Avoiding people because you don't like confrontation, is just obnoxious.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Cure.

Last month, I posted the hit post, "Do you have a Fever?" and promised the cures to the fevers mentioned.

This is the answer to your problems. The Cure for your love illnesses.

1. Paranoid Lovamania - As you stand in the check out line, determined that the guy in front of you is madly in love with you, imagine that he has a wife, a kid, or a girlfriend whom he's going home to right this minute. Imagine their very very happy life together and then realize, you play no part.

As someone passes by you staring uncontrollably, with what you are sure is lust, look down at your clothing, odds are, you have a stain, something's unbuttoned, or you have chocolate on your face.

Begin to realize and accept that people are making eye contact with you, because it's the courteous and right thing to do. Accept that people out there in the world, aside from just those raised in Texas, can and do make eye contact as a sign of respect, not because they're looking for a way into your affections.

2. Charmavirus - Maintain a safe distance to your friends when talking to these charming people. If something seems clich├ęd then it probably is, don't fall for the tricks in their book, realize that they are playing you in a game of poker you can't afford to lose. Find flaws. Find them quick or you might wind up flat on your back in a flat somewhere in the North East part of DC with no way of getting home.

3. LTRitis - The next time you escape from the holds of a Long Term Relationship. Make it a personal goal of yours to date a certain amount of people, before you consider becoming serious again. If one of these people you date seems to have potential, continue to date them, but also continue to date others until your sure that this is the one you want to spend the next 3 years of your life with.

4. Analyticologist - Stop. Run by the exact actions or words of the crush with someone of the opposite sex or someone whom you know to be very very blunt. Odds are, their actions and words are meant in the exact way they were said or done, without any other thought behind them. Your shoes are fine, they don't hate you and while they might want you, they're probs not going to just walk up to you in broad daylight and say so.

5. Daterphrenia - Being excessively guilty of this illness myself, I personally think nothing is wrong with daterphrenia within reason, ie you realize that they're fake relationships, but if you seem to only be living relationships out through your head and not living them in person, then you might need to broaden your horizons and actually go on a date. While your 3 year relationship with Angelina Jolie seems perfect, unless you're Brad Pitt, it's imaginary and you need to seek a healthy outlet for your love, versus only imagining that you're in a relationship.

6. Handteria - I just really don't want to talk about how to fix this. I'm no Christine O'Donnell, but this is a compulsion that is far beyond me explaining how to deal with it, especially if you have a legit problem with it.

7. Hate Pox - Step back, think of all the people that actually love you. Your friends, family, or pets, and realize that you are a person who has love coming at you from every direction, the odds of your crush actually hating you, unless you've shot and killed their dog or ran over their foot, is very unlikely. Just accept that they have yet to have a sufficient amount of time to get to know you and appreciate you as much as you appreciate them. Maybe in the future they might hate you for some unknown reason, but believing that they hate you without warrant is ill-imagined.

8. Burly Fever - You have the need to feel protected. If you think that this is detrimental to your life, then take self defense classes and learn how to protect yourself, otherwise, accept that burly men are just white knights looking for a damsel in distress, and you just happen to need saving.

9. Shotgun Disorder - If you have to get pregnant to keep a guy. Odds are he isn't worth keeping in the first place or maybe you need to reevaluate your current situation and figure out why he desires to leave you. This could include talking to a counselor, or sitting down one on one with your significant other.

10. Jerk Syndrome - If he seems like a jerk, then don't date him. If he starts to blow you off, he's a jerk. If he hits you, he's a jerk. If he kicks little puppies, he's a jerk. If he complains about how horrible your cooking is, he's jerk. If he starts sleeping with someone else, he's a jerk. Dating him, is only going to hurt you. Find a nice guy, and date him instead.

11. Extalgia - There was a reason the two of you separated. Relive that reason. If extalgia still occurs, relive the pain, anger and frustration which occurred with the break up. It's painful. It sucks, and there is no reason you should have to relive that. Yes, you had many a happy time, but the pain isn't worth attempting again for a few brief moments of happiness amidst it.

12. Intoxapareunia - If you seem to only have intercourse with people while drunk. You probably have a problem. The way to cure this is to simply, not become inebriated. If you are at a party and feel yourself beginning to become tipsy, then you might want to start drinking water. Another way to avoid intoxication is to space out your drinking while also drinking water. And while you're thinking, but that doesn't sound like any fun, remember how much fun it was to wake up next to Victor the Janitor or Sally the Stripper yesterday, and maybe you'll think more positive about sobriety.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

It's Better to Know

I have this friend, and recently she went on a first date with a guy whom she wanted to date for a solid while.

She had been fretting over the right texts, the right clothes, the right parties to attend, and she had given a pretty solid go at it.

However, during her supposed-to-be-perfect-date, she discovered, much to her chagrin, that he was moderately to horribly not perfect. I'm not going to go into his flaws, because, that's not my story to tell, but what is my story, however, is this ideal of the perfection for which we strive so hard, crashing down around us.

I'll admit, I've asked friends to check texts, and I've asked them, wait... should I be posting this? And I've asked for help in outfit choices, because, if I'm going to look like an ice skater on a second date, I better look like a damn hot one.

But amidst all this worry and fretting, a part of us, becomes lost.

Imagine a world where you just said what you thought, straight out of your head, you didn't second and third guess every little thing, and you sure as poop didn't buy 4 different kinds of stockings to try out for your perfect date. (cough).

This is the world of you. Yourself. Nothing more, nothing less. Imagine a date where you didn't have to try to be perfect, and you weren't worried about whether or not your hair was out of place, because the person on the date with you, doesn't care. They want to be there with you because they enjoy you, for you. I know it's a hard thought to process, but somewhere in the world, right now, is a person, who will laugh at your worst jokes, who will know that you like silence, and who will know not to fill the silence with uncomfortable chit chatter. Who does all the right things at all the right times, and at times says the exact same thing you say at the exact same time you say it, and it's not annoying, it's cute.

Now imagine that's your perfect.

Isn't it better, to ask someone out, and find out if they're your perfect? Versus, sitting on the sidelines and waiting to see if they MIGHT be your perfect? People today hide behind their shyness. I do. My friends do, but we shouldn't have to worry whether or not the cutie in chem or the hottie on the metro likes us as much as we're heads over heels for them, instead, we need to take the initiative, like my friend from the beginning of this post and Ask. Them. Out. You don't have to ask them on a 5 course dinner, you can ask them to coffee, or the boardwalk, or Annapolis, or something fun, where even if the date turns out to be the worst experience of your life, you still had the opportunity to have fun.

Because, in truth, isn't it better to know that Hottie McGorgeous is 2 fries short of a happy meal, rather than spend the next 2 years pining after him, only to figure out at that time that he moved and forgot the furniture (i.e. the wheel's still turning but the hamster is dead). Or find out that he has some other flaw yet unknown.

The key is, you could buck up now and take the chance, or take 2 years to build up the courage only to realize that your ideal person, is horribly non-ideal. Because isn't it better to know, now?