Friday, November 19, 2010

Internet Dating...

Or... how I can decide in .352 seconds whether or not we're going to have babies.

The fad.

You joined it.

You're tired of the endless string of pictures.

You have no idea who out of this endless sea of fish would be a good potential.

I have the solution...

A list of things, which will help you decide if he's NOT mr. right, or she's NOT miss perfect, in .352 seconds.

1. If his tongue is sticking out... no.
I once had a friend tell me if I stuck it out I was going to have to share it... since then, people who stick their tongues out in that playful, cute way now only mean once thing... I wanna share this with you.

2. If there are no close ups of your face... no
For all those people who are pondering, but she looks great, look she likes doing blah, blah, blah. Odds are when you see her up close for the first time. You'll know why there were no close ups.

3, The above rule also goes for faces hidden with glasses, hats, scuba gear, or halloween masks... no
If I can't see your face, I can't tell if I'm attracted to you, so for the love of all things right... CLOSE UPS people.

4, The picture with their "banging bod.".. no
Why would you want to show an internet full of people, the skin underneath your clothes. Now granted yes, you have a six packs, and those pecs/ upper body looks amazing, but there's a reason these people are attempting to sway you to date them/talk to them using their body. The lack of personality from spending more hours at a gym than broadening their minds, typically means that the only thing they'll have to talk about... is themselves. So, if you like narcissistic dates, then have at them, otherwise, admire the wrapping and move on.

5, If the potential is surrounded by
First, you want to know 'what is a biddie?' It's a person of the same sex/gender as you, whom appears to be overtly slutty, whiny, dramatic, or a man stealer. They typically hang around members of the opposite sex looking for handouts or sex. If you notice that the potential is surrounded by people who look like biddies... RUN. Why? Because it means either one of two things, one, if they mean nothing to him, then he's literally a biddie chaser, or two if they're his closest friends, you should be prepared to become acquainted and hang out with said biddies. Your choice, but I highly don't recommend pursuing.

6, The person who looks 12 but it says 18.
Odds are if this person looks 12, and picked the just legal age of consent... They're 12 and are just trying to attract older prey. Stay away unless you want a potential law suit and some jail time. :/

7, The guy/girl, who holds up their collar to prove that they can pop it.
come on... really?

8, The person sitting on a throne.
Every girl deserves to be treated like a princess. That doesn't mean that they have to demand it. Same goes for guys. If anyone is sitting on a throne in their photo, they're essentially saying if you don't adore me like a peasant and treat me like the royalty I am, then you're going to feel my ruling rath!

9, If they have more than one picture where they appear to be imbibing alcohol... no
Why, you ask, should you hit next, when coming across this person? Easy. If they're that obsessed with alcohol, they're either an alcoholic or a social alcoholic. If they couldn't find pictures of themselves not partaking of the sauce, or they're using the pictures to show how much fun they are, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the only fun they have is drinking. This limits other fun activities, which don't involve hangovers or drunken revelry.

10, If they're making more love to the camera than they should... i.e. They're lecherously staring into your soul via the internet.
These people want one thing. I'll let you imagine what it is. But you're thinking, so do I! People who look lecherously into a camera don't care that the camera isn't real, they're also not going to care about whether or not you say no means no.

11. If they're making out with an old hiking boot (I WISH I WAS MAKING THIS UP).
If the object of the profile has photos where they're making out with inanimate objects and it's actually, not, funny, i.e. hiking boot. It's time to move on. If they're 'making out' with things that are funny, see sting ray, statue, or a mascot, then you can judge based on how funny you intimate the photo is.

12. Model Shots.
You know exactly what I'm talking about. It looks like the same setting, the same lighting, and boy do they look too good to be true. Odds are, either this person is a model (go for it) or this person found an attractive person via an internet search and used those pictures as their own... If you want to see whether or not this person really looks like the person they have represented themselves to be, ask for a casual shot of them... outside of the workplace.

After I've completely berated nearly everyone using internet dating... I'm going to be real. There are people out there using the internet to find real relationships, who aren't full of bull, and who aren't going to screw you over. The problem is trying to find these people is like searching for a pearl in a sea full of oysters, we know they're out there, but it's just difficult. I'm not saying it's not possible, because my brother found his girlfriend via the world wide web, and she's absolutely a sweet heart.

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