Thursday, July 29, 2010

Interweb Lover

You've hit the point of no return, where it's either date George the slobbering maniac from mail services or hunt in an unconventional place for a mate.

Now some of you may pick George... George needs love too right?

And some of you, may pick unconventional. You've tried the kick ball leagues and the morning jogs and the basket weaving class on Tuesday nights, but you're still having no luck.

A big debate among my friends right now is the internet dating services.
Do them? Don't do them?

A recent study suggests that 20% of today's relationships started via the internet. I personally think that figure would double if you take into account people who meet briefly, swap emails or IM names and then continue to allow relationships to bloom online, before they re-meet in person months or years later.

Why do we do it? Why do people engage in the internet relationship?
Well for starters it's like an all you can eat buffet. You build a profile and then you can feast on the profiles of others. If one's ugly or disgusting you pass them on for the next one until you find your very own McSteamy or McDreamy... or McVet if you're into that.

Second you can hide behind your invented persona until you finally meet them. You don't have to worry about whether or not you smile too large, because unless you're skype-ing they can't see you while they're chatting. You can say what you want, how you want to, and you don't have to be afraid of wondering if your breath stinks... or if you put on too much perfume... things that really don't matter.

Internet relationships are not a substitute for dating however. Dating exclusively via the interweb is a detriment to your health as an adult seeking love, because at the end of the day, no matter how much you want to hug them, you can't. You can't kiss them good night or hold their hand, and the vital part of physical chemistry lacks because you're not physically with them.

I'm not saying don't date via the internet. I highly recommend giving internet dating a go. You might not meet prince charming, but you could make solid contacts for trips around the world. Internet dating works. It's proven. Many thousands of people have met and fallen in love via the internet. What I'm saying is that it isn't a substitute for physical dating. So go ahead, hunt down some potentials on Plenty-of-fish, but make sure that you meet them in person before you accept any proposals of marriage.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

How to Avoid Nausea When... Movies

You're single.
You're watching a movie... alone for the fifth time since Monday, and it's only Tuesday, when for the fifth time since Monday the two lead characters start macking out so hard core that you should probably cover your eyes to give them some privacy.

If you're anything like me this will lead to several emotions.
Emotion 1. Awww - this is the immediate emotion to hit. You feel happy for the characters, because they've taken 2hours of your life to get to this point, and you feel like they deserve it.

Emotion 2. Get a Room - This emotion hits when you've passed the Awww stage and to be perfectly honest, you're kind of tired of watching these two characters snog each other.

Emotion 3. Divert the Eyes. - They've been kissing for about a minute of valuable screen time and they're still wasting everyone's time making out, and O.M.G. did he just feel her up. You look away because you begin to fell like you're intruding.

Emotion 4. But I Paid Money for This - Pretty self explanatory. You look back up to the screen because you paid to see this bloody movie and you're going to watch every gosh darn last minute of it.

Emotion 5. Cringing - They've been kissing for nearly 2 minutes and while you would love to be sticking your tongue down Robert Downey Jr.'s Throat, you really don't want to watch Penelope Cruz do so, especially since she has that hottie of a husband Javier Bardem.

Emotion 6. Nausea - You begin to realize that Robert Downey Jr., Russel Crowe, and Gerard Butler (insert female stars if you're into them) are so far out of your league that you just can't begin to fathom how many light years they are away from you, and then you start to get queasy because now Penelope has his shirt off and pushed him onto a bed, and here you are minding your own business just trying to watch a movie and you my friend have to watch the man you want to have babies with and the actress whose guts you currently hate have a glorious romp in the hay.

So how do we avoid this. We have a few ways to handle it.
One. Have a magazine handy so that when they start to make out, you can read about tax fraud in Time or Angelina's hair secrets in Vogue.
Two. Walk out to go to the bathroom.
Three. Don't watch sappy romantic movies where you know someone is getting some kiss.
Four. Move On.

Recently I've noticed singles, waisting more time hating couples, than they waste scoping out potentials on craigslist. If you're reading this, hopefully, you're an adult, and hopefully you still have an ounce of sanity left to your name. Every one goes through relationships and whether you're in a dry spell or rolling in the honey, it's hard to watch other couples exchange intimacies, and I know it's hard to be happy for other people especially movie stars, when you're having a rough time of it, but remember that it's fake (unless you're watching Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin on TrueBlood) and that you'll find someone. Avoiding gut-wrenching nausea during intense physical and emotional scenes in movies can be hard if you don't have a little hope that when the time's right, you'll find your future.

So I'm not saying run away from the movies... I'm saying run away from expecting instant gratification... have some patience... It'll be worth it.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Let Them Down

You’re not interested, but they are.

How do we deal?

Well there’s multiple ways that you can let someone know that you do not find them attractive, however, beware, because you might find later in life that they become attractive the more you get to know them. It’s because of this fact that It’s important to let them down gently. Don’t yell it in a crowded room and for heaven sakes don’t tell them that you find them disgusting. Society dictates that we remain civil in the face of adversity, and this my friend is adversity.

So as always there are a couple options.

One: Don’t do anything. Reap the benefits of what they sow, i.e. intentionally don’t tell them the truth so that they will still fawn over you and buy you things.

  • To be perfectly honest this is the most low down despicable thing that you can do, because you continue to lead someone on, and they begin to believe that eventually one day you two will be together when you know for a fact, it is not to be. This also just prolongs the inevitable that one day they’ll find you embraced in the arms of another, and you’ll lose a potential friend or potentially get decked in a bar.
Two. Casually, have someone else mention during a conversation that you’re seeing someone else.

  • This borders on somewhat passive-aggressive. Why? Because you’re aggressively laying out that you have no interest in them in a passive manner. You might disagree with me and say that this is letting them down gently, but their feelings are still going to be crushed when you sit there gushing about your new squeeze, and there’s really no polite way for them to vacate the conversation aside from excusing themselves to the bathroom where they will be spending the next 20 minutes crying.

Telling them over coffee, dinner, etc...

  • You really want them to spend money on you? This is too similar to option one. How dirty can you be. Unless you plan and actually pay for your half of this adventure, then there’s no way that you can come out of this situation with a clean conscience. You might say, but this is best. They’re finding out in a public place where they can’t lash out against you, but think about it for a minute. You just told the person who’s crushing on you that you don’t find them attractive out in front of the entire world... or the entire Starbucks. Not only will they feel shamed in front of the establishment, but now they feel embarrassed in front of you, because they were interesting in sharing their life with you and you’re not having it.

Letting them know right before you part ways. As in, you’ve just spent an hour hanging out and now you’re about to leave.

  • This doesn’t work if you’ve just spent an entire day hanging out running around the National Mall visiting monuments. However, if the two of you have just spent a brief amount of time together, and you’re parting ways then I believe this to be the best method. Confront me if I’m wrong, but this method allows you to kindly let them know that you had a great time hanging out with them as a friend, but that you aren’t interested in anything more than their friendship. Just don’t lie to them and say bullshit like, “I’m not interested in a relationship right now,” only to have them find out you’re dating someone the week later.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The "Hi" Text

Where my girls at? Yeah? You know exactly what this blog is gonna be about.

So imagine if you will, a boy.
Now, imagine a girl.

Now imagine if they have a whirlwind romance...

Things are going good. Both parties seem to be enjoying the mutual thing you have going on. When all of the sudden... BOOM. Nothing.

You send a few texts they respond kind of platonically so, you being the rational person you are, slowly begin to accept that the other party is no longer interested. You begin to emotionally move on and start hunting out new guys to have whirlwind romances with.

When you get a text.

You check your phone.

It's them.

Your stomach flips a bit and you excitedly open it.


Now you might be wondering. What exactly is this text saying aside from the obvious standard greeting?

Well according to one sender of this so informative text, it's a great thing, because they texted it to me in their sleep.


It's my belief that you sent the "Hi" text because you know you're up shit creek without a paddle and you have no idea what else to text, but you still want to have the other party in your life, because you still kinda like them.

So the recipient of the Hi text is now in a horribly awkward situation, do you respond? do you ignore? do you say "YO WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?" Well you can always respond with a hi or a heya or a hello you m*f-er, but either way it's up to you to figure out the situation. If you're still into the guy and know exactly where you stand with them then this text would be o.k. but if you're a bit confused in the relationship, then you know as well as I that this text is only causing more confusion.

It's a tough text, you can try to engage the sender or just play them at their game, either way... I can say that if you feel under-appreciated with this text and under-appreciated by your significant other in general, then you should call out the person sending it. Just say, yo, what's the deal, and if they respect you enough or would like to continue seeing you then they're more than likely going to respond in a positive manner.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Gettin' Fresh

Is he an ass hole? Or is he just "fresh?"

A couple of friends and I were out at a bar the other night when this guy, who we'll call Billy, started to chat us up. Billy was a loud kind of bloke who was making a scene to make a scene and to be honest, was probably just enjoying his night. We began to talk to him at which point he refused to tell us his name because we hadn't "earned it" and lied about his friend's names and where he was from.

So here's the dilemma.

Was he an ass hole? Or was he just being "fresh?"

A lot of girls will go out to bars and coincidentally be hit on by guys similar to Billy and there exists a certain dilemma with this situation, because you can't quite tell if he's putting on a show or if he actually acts like this on a normal basis. It becomes imperative for girls who head out to clubs and bars to create a certain barrier or skepticism towards men like these for two very important reasons... 1. If this is his normal persona, then if you date this guy, you wont be able to ever get him to tone down this exuberant and obnoxious personality. 2. If this is just a show, then who's to say that he doesn't have lots of different personas that will eventually come out. Some of which you might find gut-wrenchingly horrible.

So what do you do when you meet these kind of guys/girls at a bar?

You have a few options.

If you're looking to date them... RUN!

If you're looking for a hook-up.... RUN! Because if they are this show-tastic, then they're only thinking about themselves or the perceptions of themselves and will therefore only be looking for self-gratification and not thinking about your needs.

If you're looking to be amused for the better part of the evening and give as good as he's/she's dishing out... then Stay. Because at the end of the night you will have had a great time laughing at their antics. This is actually what I usually do. I'm not looking for the next love of my life in a bar. I'm looking for a good time full of laughter and fun, and trust me, when a guy grabs your leg up to kiss it just to show how sensitive and tender he can be... You'll laugh your head off as he makes a dramatic show in front of the entire bar. Never fear though, because if he's that crazy, he'll probably make you slap him later in the night as a bet. At which point you can slap him for all he's worth to get out the pent up frustration of your week.

So to be perfectly honest, I don't know how to tell a "fresh" guy from an asshole, but I do know how you determine whether or not you hang around with them for the better part of the evening.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Pick-Up

A lot of my girl friends have asked me... How do you get a guy to talk to you?
For that matter a lot of my guy friends want to know... How do I get a girl to know I'm interested?


Girls: If you're interested in a guy, and you've made eye contact with him; smile.

It's that simple.


There's actually more to it, but the odds of someone approaching an unfriendly looking person are low in comparison to the odds of a guy approaching a girl who looks like she's friendly and having a good time.

The next step? Look away. Don't stare the guy down like a piece of medium rare steak in a world full of salads and hot dogs. When you do eventually look back (could be a minute later or 10 seconds after the original eye contact) smile at him and then look away.
This shows interest.

Guys: If a girl makes eye contact and smiles. I'm talking a genuine smile, not that grimace-y-oh-my-god-why-is-he-looking-at-me-smile. Then it would be a safe assumption if you catch her eyes a few moments later that she is relatively attracted to you. So, if you're interested in her... SMILE BACK!

I can't tell you how many times I have been places and played the look, smile, look-away, look, smile card. It works. This is an actual technique that when deployed properly and received by a receptive member of the other sex will never fail...

but there's a catch.

After you've done this smile look smile interchange. You've got to go talk to them. You can't just wait for them to come to you. Either party needs to make the initiative to actually stand up from their table and walk towards the other party.

If you're shy... there are other ways to do this...

Let's give an example!

Once upon a time, many years ago, I saw a fairly attractive guy walking around my campus. My friends knew him, but they didn't know him well enough to introduce me to him, no matter how hard I asked. So, one day, I began catching his eye and smiling at him, whenever I'd see him and sure enough he would do the exact same thing when he saw me. It became very apparent very quickly that we were attracted to one another. Problem was... we didn't know each other... so one day we happened to be at the same St. Patrick's Day party hosted by a mutual friend. He found me on Facebook through that same friend since he found out my name, shot me a message and shortly thereafter we began a very lovely dating relationship.

This stuff works.
I'm not saying it's going to get you a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband... that I know of, but I can guarantee that it's a step in the right direction towards meeting new people.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Do you Smell that Smell?


You've got them. I smell them. Now what?

I was recently discussing the affects of sweaty men on girls after reading an oh so enthralling issue of Cosmopolitan that I found on a coffee table at a friends, and it got me wondering exactly how deeply the scent attracts a mate in the human populace.

Like exactly how close to someone do you have to be before the pheromones they're sending out hit that little gland in your nose, the olfactory mucosa? I don't claim to be an expert, but it did set me to thinking about which sense more directly affects sexual attraction.

Let's pose a hypothetical situation.
You're in a crowded club... and you're being chatted up by a gorgeous potential.
If all of the sudden you smelled a highly enticing pheromone, would your body become more alert and make you crave finding the owner of that scent? Do you leave Mr./Ms. gorgeous to follow Mr./Ms. Smell good?

Now I'm not encouraging the sniffing out of potential dates literally. I'm just curious as to which one wins out.

So I did a little experiment.

In a controlled environment, I sat down with an awfully pleasant smelling young gentleman at a bar and proceeded to sit there enjoying his company. There were decently attractive men all around me and to tell you the truth, I didn't go run after them. HOWEVER, when I did the experiment in reverse, ie., me chilling with an absolutely gorgeous hunk (this is all eye of the beholder stuff most people would not find this guy attractive) and a man with a delicious smelling after shave walked by, I'm going to be honest I turned around to see who possessed that oh so enticing smell.

My hypothesis is that since smell is tied so close to memory it becomes imperative for your potential mate to be attractive to you... nasally, because you will associate those pleasant smells with their person and therefor associate them with a more positive belief system.

Now I don't know how this translates to the pheromone idea aside from the fact that people wear cologne/perfume/after shave to still entice people towards them with smell. And nowadays you can even find cologne/perfume out there that supposedly enhances your pheromones to be more noticeable for potential mates. My mother always said that when deciding on a new perfume you should spray it on and then walk around for a while as it reacts to your body's chemistry. Maybe this has the same idea.

Maybe you need to walk around with potential mates for a while in order to determine exactly how pleasing their pheromones can be.