I have a bizarre ability. We'll call it my super power.
I can stay absolutely still, in the same position for hours upon hours at a time.
This means that in movie theatres, I sit down and never reposition, never wriggle because the seat hurts, and to me getting up to go to the bathroom is sacrilege.
You're probably thinking, "Who the F*ck cares?"
This ability is important because (1) I like to sit/lay/squat in one place and never move, because moving creates unnecessary noise, which messes up watching TV and (2) if we're cuddling you better not be a squirmer. It drives me crazy.
If you were supposed to squirm during cuddling, it would be called squirddling, which aside from sounding similar to a loveable pokemon character, instead just sounds disgusting.
Seriously this thing looks like it's lunging to molest you.
Recently, I was on a date with the Firefighter, this was prior to him turning into a giant asshole.
We both had a long day, a busy night, and it was time for some quality watch some movies/cuddle time, but the f*cker wouldn't stay still.
He rolled to the left. He rolled to the right. He wriggled and wormed for the rest of the night.
Finally, I looked up into his PERFECT eyes and said, "dude, what are you doing?"
"Trying to get comfortable."
"Can I help?"
"No you're just making it worse, your head feels like a cannonball on my chest."
"Should I move?"
"No, I've got a chest of steel, but still man what do you keep up there, rocks?"
"I know you worked on the Waaaaambulance for a while, do you still have their number on speed dial? You sound like you need them."
Oh yes, this is how my romantic evening went.
After not talking/texting/calling me for 5 days the turd face (The Firefighter) has the audacity to shoot me a text on the night I'm out with ManMe, Sam, and Sam's BF - with this gem, "Hey sry been busy as shit friend surprise visited me and been busy as shit lol what u up to Im working."
To first delve into this text, you should know the following. (1) Last time I saw The Firefighter, he called this friend in the middle of the date to CONFIRM that the friend was coming down for the next 3 days, (2) he also told me the reason this friend was coming down was because he didn't have work so he had time to give his friend a tour of the city, and (3) I'm not a bloody, flippin' idiot.
But I digressed from the original point.
In my opinion, "Just Stay Still" is not something to just be said for laying on the couch with a significant other, it can apply to dating as well, which brings me to the point of this story!
Enter Well Placed Flashback
New Years Eve happens to be my least favorite holiday on the face of the planet. I despise it. This year after consistently watching plans slip through my fingers, Sam made plans with her BF and his friends and invited - JG, myself, and some of their other friends.
So let me sketch out my mindset of the night.
1. It's cold as frozen shit outside.
2. It's the one night of the year that I actually despise worse than Hitler.
3. I've just gotten over a 2nd bout of a stomach virus.
4. I was told not to wear a jacket.
We get to Sam's BF's apartment, which wasn't bad because we drove there.
We leave the apartment to walk to the metro at which point I look like a dead, frozen hooker zombie walking towards the metro because my limbs wont function properly.
We appear to have broken up into pairs of some sort and I've gotten matched up with a friend of Sam's BF, who happens to be this relatively handsome guy.... who finishes all of my sentences.
Somewhere in the commotion of me feeling my least sexy on record (great way to start off a year right?). Somewhere in the commotion of me forgetting about men, and dating, and just shivering my ass off. Someone offered me his jacket. And in that instant, Someone with a cosmic sense of humor sent me..... me.
All I had to do was just stay still and not chase after every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
My friend Blair consistently tells me, you find them when you're not looking. However I was looking. I was looking hard. In every other direction but his, and being turned down faster than Carrie after the bucket of blood gets dumped on her head at the dance.
So in all my fractured emotions, I balked at the idea.
It seemed so strange, so bizarre.
Can I hold hands with, me?
Can I embrace, me?
Can I cuddle on a couch with, me?
Can I kiss, me?
Well to answer all those questions, yes. I can. I'm a pretty awesome kisser if I do say so myself, haha! The group went out to get flaming volcanos at this tiny Chinese restaurant in Chinatown.
Just so you know, flaming volcanos are an instant ticket on the train to drunk town. It's a cocktail large enough to stick your head in, filled with more kinds of alcohol than I can name, with a flaming center of more, pure alcohol.
The much anticipated, Drunk Train Express then departed for more drinking at RFDs just around the corner. Both of which were for the most part enjoyable, and elicited enough hungover amusement the next day when uploading pictures, I didn't know I'd taken.
And between the drunken giggles and him falling on me and me falling on him I got a NYE kiss, which I was not expecting, at all.
A well timed, perfectly perfect drunken slobberfest welcomed the New Year, and then it was time to head back to the Sam Hotel, aka her apartment, for some well earned, sleeping. We had kissed. We had held hands. We had cuddled awkwardly in a corner watching the ball drop and then cuddled trying to maintain our balance. And We held hands. All things I was not expecting for my NYE.
But when it was time to part ways, he asked me for my number...
Now first off I have to make a clarification, ManMe is not completely me... He's like the Yang to my Yin in a weird bizarre "you complete me" kind of way, which in all honesty creeped me the f*ck out.
I don't know if you've ever had this problem, but when ManMe asked me for my number, I actually didn't want to give it. I didn't know what I would do if he called/texted me. Why would I want him to text me.... I can just sit and talk to myself in the mirror if that's what I was looking for in a guy, plus it would make it hella easy on the big holidays, all I'd have to do was bring my mirror with me on the plane.
So I refused the number, referencing the fact he had given me his business card earlier in the evening, and that I'd text him later - wholly not intending to, but as I was sitting there detoxing (literally) with Sam and JG the next day, I realized... I kind of liked him. He was funny, charming, witty, good-looking, fun to be around, and exciting.
So... I texted him.
. . .