Friday, April 29, 2011

But I don't want to flirt with him...

I recently read a book by Ronda Rich called, "What Southern Women Know That Every Woman Should," and while the majority of the book told me was things I already knew, it also put down into writing something my friend Shaina constantly confirms with me. I flirt a lot. Now southerner's typically are horribly astoundingly friendly, it's how we're raised and according to Rich's book 'flirtation is merely a descriptive word for being reeeeeaaaaaaallll nice. We flirt with everyone including other women, children, elderly folks, and of course... men.'

You're probably wondering what this has to do with the title... Well, based on the fact that as a southern woman, I'm technically flirting with everybody, when it comes to flirting with someone who really counts, my encyclopedia of flirting techniques is so well rounded, that my comfort level when in an environment that really counts, such as cute bouncer who has a really full club, is above normal since I've been in situations similar, and I have a plethora of experiences to pull from due to consistent practice. As my softball coach used to say, practice doesn't make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect. Because let's be real, being nice aka 'flirting' with everybody, usually makes the person I'm "flirting" with happy, and that means they're more friendly towards me, which means that my solution will be ameliorated quickly in a positive way, which means my blood pressure stays at a pretty consistent level, and that means that at the end of the day, I'm either drinking something free or getting parking tickets dismissed while also maintaining good heart health.

A lot of people I talk to have a problem with being able to jump from potential to involved. This means that they have difficulty engaging their potential in flirtatious conversation in order to gain a date from the interaction. Now if there's one thing I've noticed from my friends who do have people they're involved with, is that they're highly flirtatious, which means they also have oodles of practice flirtations under their belts.

So here's the point. Flirting is the way to your potentials cell phone contact list, and If you find yourself lacking potentials for future interactions, I have a suggestion. You can take it or leave it, but I have yet to see someone not succeed when using this tactic. FLIRT with everyone. If experience telling this to people gives me any inclinations of how you are feeling with that suggestion, I can tell that you're probably very skeptical. But it's an honest, tried and true method. It'll probably make you horribly uncomfortable for the first few days or so, but if you make a commitment to increasing your friendly interactions with those around you, I can assure you that your dating life will improve.

Now if you're uncomfortable being overtly friendly to the lady at the DMV, o.k. I get it, but try someone more your type. If you can find them. If you can't find your IDEAL, go for the closest thing in the room. Say there's a cute guy at the bar, but he's a little shorter than you would like, make the effort, because you'll 1. be practicing for when someone more your speed does enter the picture, 2. engaging in a conversation with someone new, who might have valuable insight to a new club/restaurant/concert series/etc... and 3. This person whom you never considered for anything more than harmless flirtations, might be someone wonderful.

So there's really no negatives. Because your increased friendliness will be noticed by all around you, which will lead to more positive interactions with everyone, from the cashier at Chickfila to the man at the parking garage, to people in your work environment, who will in turn think of you as a positive, friendly communicative individual around promotion time (just a thought). It will also improve your daily outlook on life. So flirt, people. There's really nothing to lose aside from a few rejections, but even George Clooney has been rejected, so I wouldn't think of it as a bad thing. Just a little life lesson.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


For the past 5 months or so, I have had the following phrase on my dating profile, "...and I can successively use semicolons."

According to my, oh so handy Apple Dictionary the word successive means, "following one another or following others."

I love language. It's one of the most beautiful parts of my day. I live for the poetry in Charlotte Bronte's works. I'm pulled by the characters popping off the page in novels by L.M. Montgomery, and just a few words placed in the appropriate order with perfect comedic diction can send me guffawing over the memoirs of Jen Lancaster.

So it's an understatement to say exactly how important word choice is to me. Now I don't know if guys are just so excited that they speed through my description, or if they are caught up by that 'whloe yu can tel waht wrods a prsoen maens withuot' the spelling being correct theory, which states something along the lines of as long as the first and last letter of a word is included along with the majority of letters that the word possesses, you can infer the word without the parts being in the right place.

If that was a bit convoluted, just go with me. I've watched so many episodes of Bones in the last 24 hours that Temperance Brennan's way of speaking might have rubbed off.

Anyway, the point is, I've gotten no fewer that 36 responses during November through February, saying something along the lines of, "Wow, I'm impressed with your successful use of semicolons," or "maybe you could teach me how to use semicolons, successfully," etc...

I just want to know, if I'm expecting too much from the online dating community. I'm not expecting Ernest Hemingway, but if someone is trying to impress me and entice me to go on a date with them, I'd really hope that they would read my profile thoroughly before making a linguistic fool of themselves.

Now here's the kicker. I can't figure out for the life of me how to delete my dating profile, because POF is ridiculous, and horribly unorganized. So, on top of the successive/successful wording issue I have on my page, I also have the following phrase HEADLINED, "NOT SEEKING NEW DATING APPLICANTS, COMPLETELY CONTENT." This phrase has been up since the middle of March, and if I could tell you of a day in the last month when someone didn't send me a message asking me for a date or wondering if I'd reopen applications for them, it would be news to me.

This is in that same vein as the "A Girl Walks into a Bar" post. Not seeking new people to date doesn't mean if you're hot enough I'll consider you. It means I don't want to date you because you're not my Knight in Suede Shoes. SO! People out there in the online dating world, if you are trying to put your best foot forward in order to peacock about for the peahen of your choice, then remember this little helpful tidbit of advice, "If you don't take the time to read what your potential has written in their carefully worded introduction about themselves, what makes you think that they'll take the time to read your carefully worded introduction."

*steps off soapbox.

Monday, April 18, 2011

From Mrs to Mistaken.

Recently, I discovered how ironically cyclical my dating life actually is. But cyclical in a God really has an intense sense of humor, and it's driving me crazy. The reason I think he's being so funny... is because I once joked with a friend about going to college to get my MRS. degree. Of course I didn't have time to achieve that on top of my other studies (I was horribly busy with extracurriculars and writing feature length scripts), but he clearly didn't like the joke, so he's showing me; ain't he.

I say this because, actually, I do keep getting closer and closer to marriage... it's just that I keep getting closer to the guys being married.

In fact! I can count it down by numbers about how close to marriage I'm actually getting.

1. About 2 years ago I dated a guy only to discover a couple weeks in, that a few months prior, he had been in the mall buying an engagement ring for his previous-girlfriend... when she called to break up with him. (Horrible isn't it!)

When I found out about this tragedy in his life it only made me think, aw, poor guy. He needs someone to love, in a very Anne Hathaway redoes a Queen song kind of way.

But things with him ended, and up popped number 2.

2. Exactly a year ago I was dating this great guy (or everyone kept telling me how great and sexy he was). Prior to our date-scapades, he had actually been engaged to a gorgeous woman. I'm talking tall, great body, gorgeous features, everything-a-man-could-ask-for-woman. They were engaged for 2 years, until the month before, when she broke up with him, and (oooh lucky me!) I snagged him up. (He's now married to the gorgeous woman).

I viewed his recent nuptials as an effect of our dating. Blinded by jealousy and passion for number 2 (in my mind at least), the other woman realized how much she loved him and true love was allowed to be together. Cause to be honest, I didn't find him that sexy.

Time passed and 3 happened along.

3. At the beginning of the year, I met a guy online, and we hit it off instantly upon meeting. We had a few dates and that's when he dropped the bomb. He wasn't looking for anything serious because his fiance of six years and he had just broken it off, two weeks before dating me. (It ended, which is what led to number 4).

Here's where I began to get cynical. Sure, I could blow off the other two as happenstances of romance. Number 1 had been heart brokenly devastated so nothing was really going to work out, and Number 2 and I were clearly not bound for the train of destiny, which didn't break my heart. But Number 3, had just ridden on a 6 year emotional roller coaster, only to pull me in as he was getting flung out of the seat because he didn't wear a safety belt.

And this final guy is when I realized how vapid my dating life had become.

4. I met a guy at a bar a month or so ago, and he was the sound tech for the band, and we had easy enough conversation; he wasn't bad looking. He asked for my number and Wala! We had a date! The following conversation happened 10 mins into our date.
He says, "So I need to tell you something."
"O.K., I'm open minded, shoot."
"I am technically still married."
Shoot. Me. In The. Face.

I don't know about you, but I'm not that open minded.

WHO DOES THAT! I mean I've seen it in movies, but in real life! WHY would you go out on a date, with someone when you know that you're still MARRIED?

After hitting the all time low in my dating life. I have made a pact with myself.

For the next year, I've decided that if someone is fresh out of engagements or marriage, guess what! I'm not going to date them, because (1) I'm more than a rebound and (2) they're usually the men with the most issues. And really if you're starting a fresh exciting relationship... who wants to date someone with piles and piles issues? & (3) The only kind of people I've yet to date in regards to the whole being married/engaged range is divorced and widowed, and I don't think I'm emotionally ready for either.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Girl Walks into a Bar...

One of my friends recently went out into DC and had an awesome time. She danced the night away. Met cute guys, and had some alcohol. She went home with the people she came with, and went to bed.

Then she got a text.

Think late night text. Think tons of texts, over a period of several days. All saying very similar things.
"Hey, let's meet up!"
"Hey, what's up!"
"Had a great time last night! Do it again?"

For a while she responded, and it was just another guy from a bar. But she realized how uninterested she actually was, and stopped responding.

The texts kept coming.
They didn't stop.
But still she refrained from responding.

Then one night, as she was getting ready for the next day she gets a text from him, "Hey do you want me to stop talking to you? Because you're not responding, and I'm getting that vibe" (or something really similar... )

And she responded, "I think that would be for the best."

Hours pass...

He says, "So... should I delete your number."

"Probably so..."
"Is it because I didn't take you on a date?! Would you want to go on a date with me?!"
"Nope, not interested."
"I guess I lost my chance, :("

She doesn't respond and crawls into bed.

at 2:43 in the morning, he texts again... "I could have loved you." No joke. A random guy in a bar actually texted her, "I could have loved you."

First off, mad props to her for grabbing a guy's heart in only one night.

Now here's my question. What planet is John Doe living on, where that is a kosher text?! I can understand being disappointed in losing a potential, but how does someone go about deciding that after their potential shoots them down point blank, they should mention love?

Desperation people. Stop resorting to desperation. If someone says no... that means no. There are nearly 7 BILLION people on the earth. Resorting to petty despair over someone you hardly know isn't endearing. It's pathetic. Fish. Sea. There's tons of them. Why resort to belittling yourself in order to reach out to one person, who has already said not interested...

Now I'm not sure if the guy was trying to pander to the female need of love and connection, but she already told him that he should stop texting her and delete her number.

So here's the moral of the story: If you meet someone, and they no longer seem interested, stop bombarding them with texts. It's unattractive. Because odds are, with the amount of time you're wasting on the uninterested party, you could have found 2 other potentials. Both of which probably could have loved you back.

(Disclaimer: all texts aside from "I could have loved you" are approximate wordings. Actual texts were similar in meaning)