You Can't Change the World

Many people wonder why they don't have a significant other. They ponder their numerous wonderful qualities and then look around and see no one lining up to date them.

Well in truth you probably are quite wonderful, but here's the catch. You can't change the world. You can't change how people view you and how desirable you are unless you first change yourself. I'm not saying go out and get a nose job or liposuction, I'm saying that you should change your approach to dating.

If you don't put your best foot forward and consistently appear like you don't care, then those around you will notice. They'll see that you're not trying and assume you're not interested in people finding you attractive.

Whether you realize it or not, you send out subliminal messages with how you dress, converse, and move.

Think of it this way.
(And yes I'm totally about to use Disney as a comparison)

We're going to use Winnie the Pooh and the characters in it as a way to show you that your presentation is affecting your life.
Consider if your personality matches any of the following.

Rabbit: A complainer. You find the worst in people and things and you make sure everyone knows you're displeasure. You're pessimistic and act as if you want people to leave you alone, and surprise for the most part. They do.

Eeyore: Depressed. You have a cloud over your head and see the world and its opportunities half full. Your soul is dark and you believe that you are unloveable, and because of believing yourself unloveable, you make it hard for people to love you, due to the fact that you're not accepting of that love.

Piglet: Timid. You find yourself not believing that you will ever be in a relationship, due to your horribly shy nature, however, as with most people, once people get to know you they will find you to be exactly what you are, a generous, kind, and friendly person.

Tigger: Hyperactive. You find yourself constantly searching for something more fun than your current activity, also known as bigger-better-syndrome. You become bored easily and need constant activity. This is overwhelming for a lot of people and due to your consistent activity it can become difficult to sustain a relationship in which you are bored. So you are always searching for someone who can keep you occupied or allows you to be occupied with other activities.

Kanga: Mother figure/ or the Caring figure if you're male. People with this personality like to dote upon their significant others and friends, taking care of them. They're very loyal and love to make sure that your life with them is as easy as pie, as long as you wipe your feet before coming in the front door.

Roo: Is too young to be dating, and you know it.

Winnie-the-Pooh: The Thinker. When you come face to face with a problem, you would much rather sit and think about how the problem can be resolved, while eating something. However you seem to be much more talk and a lot less action. You tend to do the best with what you have and overall show a positive face to the world, unless the world ran out of honey. Then we might have a problem.

So the question you have to ask yourself, is what face are you showing to the world? Are you overtly energetic, a pensive soul, or a complainer? If you begin to think about your positives and negatives and how you're representing them to the world then you might realize that you can change your negatives and the face you present. This ability to change yourself, will give you the opportunity to find out if in fact how you seem to other people is the reason for your lagging love life.

I'm not saying that you have insurmountable negatives or that your negatives make you a horrible person, but the knowledge of what your negatives are in proper scope with your positives, can give you the power to present a more positive face to the world. Because you can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself.

Single for the Holidays?

A lot of people I know will be going home for Christmas or Kwanza or New Years alone this year.

And that's o.k.

Don't force a relationship just because you want to show people you're not alone, in fact, that could be the worst decision of the whole year, because after the holidays, you're going to get questions from Aunt Sue, or Uncle Tim, and Cousin Kelly until the next time you bring another date to a family gathering. Or until you break down and cry because everyone else in the room is married or engaged and you recognize your future fate as the family spinster or ornery perpetual bachelor.

So here's a few ways to accept your singleness and fend off the questions, you and I know will be asked of you at the family table.

1. Bring a best friend. Best friends are few and far between, and more often than not, they don't disappear due to a break up, unless they mistakenly send you a text calling you a bitch behind your back. Best friends are also usually already acquainted with your mother and father, so it will make the whole affair less awkward, because they'll only be meeting family they haven't met before. They're also less likely to be attacked of question of your looming engagement or babies.

2. Master the, "take a drink and cough" routine. They ask a question you're uncomfortable with or not eager to answer, such as, "so are you one of those gays?" or "do you just have a low libido?" You smile and take a drink (KEY: HAVE DRINK IN HAND, THIS DOESNT WORK WITH AN IMAGINARY DRINK). Pull drink away from your mouth, and then start coughing, as if choking, get up and walk to the bathroom to take care of yourself, when the fit is over. Also works with eating a snack, like pretzels or chips. They become so concerned for your well being, the question gets dropped.

3. Avoid people, hang out solely with your brother/sister/cat.
(However this just perpetuates your image as the perpetual bachelor/spinster/crazy relative).

4. Faint.

5. Create an imaginary significant other. (This is harder in the age of facebook especially if you're friends with your family members).

6. Say you're trying to find yourself, before you drag an unsuspecting victim into the reaches of your crazy ass family.

7. You could also be between boyfriends/girlfriends.

8. Say you've met someone, but it's just not serious. Another form of the I'm dating lots of people, just no one serious.

9. If you're baking savy, stay in the kitchen and bake for the evening. Bake, NOT cook, because baking requires precise measurements, which requires your utmost attention, which means you can't answer Great Aunt Maud's questions about why you haven't had a boyfriend for the last five years or why your last girlfriend disappeared. Even if they haven't finished the 10 cakes you bake, at least you don't have to answer their questions, and you can send everyone home with a cake for a present.


And my personal favorite, JOKE.
10. Bring up their failed romances. It's known as the dodge and jab approach. They ask, "so are you still seeing that cute construction worker?" and you respond, "no, i really found him rather boring, but what ever happened to your first husband? He was so sweet."

If the last method is employed, be ready to jump and run, because depending on how hard you jab, they might actually slap you.


So while you'll be going home for the holidays, alone, you wont be without an arsenal of tactics to defend yourself against nosy relatives and curious family friends.



A SIDE NOTE: BE WARY OF YOUNGER COUSINS/ FAMILY FRIENDS WITH FIANCES OR SERIOUS SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.
Their questions will be more piercing and more mocking than your older relatives/friends, because they're attempting to one up you. Responses to them should usually include an embarrassing story in order to make them realize you wont play nice if they wont. If you can't get in your response immediately, bring it up later in front of their significant other. Otherwise, they'll think they can walk all over you.

Ain't No Walk in the Park

So this might have taken me a bit longer than most people, but after years of dating, I have established something.

Dating is hard.

You can spend months with Mrs. Perfect on Paper only to discover she's in love with someone else, which is totally o.k., because you only dated her because your friends told you how perfect she was. But now you've wasted all those months where you could have dated Mrs. ACTUALLY Perfect.

You could spend a year dating the wrong sort of guys and then date the right sort of guy, only to have them swept away with graduate studies.

You will spend countless minutes on the worst date of your life praying that the girl across the table will morph into the last girl you dated, because she was perfect and this girl can't seem to keep her mouth closed while she's eating.

The question is how can we take this crazy world of dating and make it into something positive, where everyone comes out with the love of their life?

It's difficult to say, because a huge hinderance in dating someone you don't know, i.e. the majority of people you will date, is that you don't know them. That's the whole process. Even if you've dated them for two months, you still don't know the reason to why all of the sudden they seem like hell on wheels.

And this is where the majority of early, promising relationships fail. Lack of Communication.

And you're thinking, but I talked to her all the time!
Yeah, but did you ask about her day? Did you ask why they seemed to be pissy? You have no way of knowing unless you ask. Without the ability to honestly and openly communicate with your interest, you'll be losing the most important building block of a healthy relationship.

A while back, I went through hell. My closest friends were the only people who really knew, aside from my family, and all the ladies at my mother's office (gotta love her). I, also, happened to also be dating someone at the time. The guy's lack of compassion or curiosity for my own plight, while I had been nothing but supportive for his constantly-consistently-high-levels of stress, doomed the relationship from the first moment my uncle decided I needed a taser. (I did not tase the guy I was dating, but Oh yes, my life got ugly).

Now I'm not saying that you're supposed to lean on the person you're dating for all your emotional support and needs, because early on in a dating relationship that's more annoying than necessary, but being able to talk about the big struggles in your life as they occur, allows bonds to be formed between the two of you.

So the moral of the story is this. IF you want to make a relationship work. If you are tired of being single and think, just maybe this one here, the one I'm dating now, could be a great relationship, remember this. IF YOU DON"T COMMUNICATE, If you don't make an effort towards learning about the person and attempt to establish a healthy communicative partnership where you share hopes, dreams, struggles, and life; you're dooming yourself to go through the entire process again.

Expand Your World

A lot of my friends seem to date the exact same people. The Jock; the Music Junky; the Pot Head, and while I'm sure that's great, the only real knowledge you gain from that is which protein powder works best or which type of leaf smokes best, and if you're into that fine. Have at it!

On the flip side however is dating a wide variety of people. Why date the college cheerleader over and over again, when you know you're going to listen to multiple tales about how Susie never held her pom-poms right?

It's pointless to only date the exact same type of person over and over again.

Dating should be used, in my opinion, as a way to expand your horizons and learn about new cultures, foods, and experiences. Sure you love Mexican food, but how do you know exactly how much you appreciate the taste of a charbroiled fajita without experiencing the salty twang of a grape-leaf something or other at a middle eastern restaurant?

People so often pigeon hole themselves into believing that they can only like one type of person, that, to be blunt; they're missing out.

Why not date against type? You have no idea the knowledge which could be strewn at your feet, personally from the masses I've learned to count to 10 in Albanian, how to mix the perfect buttery nipple (haha), and how to pretend that I like cars. For the record, I don't like cars. I like the ability they have to get me from here to there and I love my little box a car, Terrence, but aside from that I have no idea what a hemi is, and to be perfectly honest the argument of rotary versus block engines, makes me nauseous. On top of that, due to the school I just graduated from, if I have one more man yell at me or start an argument against my religious or political views, I'm going to punch them. But now I know that.

I've learned the finer points of president Abe Lincoln, the intricacies of electrolysis therapy, and believe it or not, did you know pit bulls are actually terriers?! Go figure.

Here's what I'm saying.

You could be an expert in Pom-Poms or you could get a rounded out view of the world. Catch the drift? I don't mean to pick on cheerleaders, but there is a whole world out there, which you can learn about via dating.

If you haven't had the chance to travel around the world or visit small town America, dating can give you that rounded out world view. You can date a guy from the backwoods of West Virginia one night, and a world traveler the next. You can get those experiences and at the same time; you'll also be getting great travel tips.

Why put your friends through the difficulty of remembering Big Jock # 6, when you could give them names like Prince of Serbia or the Lumberjack?! I'm just saying that dating a wide array isn't just beneficial for you, but is also beneficial for your dating life, because there's no way in hell that your friends can confuse the 6' 12" (joke) basketball player with the tiny yet burly doctor. You get the drift? Essentially you'll never have to worry about your friends cross naming people. I.e. Tony will never have to be worried about being called David and vice versa.

DATE AROUND! That's the point, if you haven't gotten it.
You'll not only expand your mind, but you'll also learn more about your likes and dislikes as you go along.

Internet Dating...

Or... how I can decide in .352 seconds whether or not we're going to have babies.

The fad.

You joined it.

You're tired of the endless string of pictures.

You have no idea who out of this endless sea of fish would be a good potential.

I have the solution...

A list of things, which will help you decide if he's NOT mr. right, or she's NOT miss perfect, in .352 seconds.

1. If his tongue is sticking out... no.
I once had a friend tell me if I stuck it out I was going to have to share it... since then, people who stick their tongues out in that playful, cute way now only mean once thing... I wanna share this with you.

2. If there are no close ups of your face... no
For all those people who are pondering, but she looks great, look she likes doing blah, blah, blah. Odds are when you see her up close for the first time. You'll know why there were no close ups.

3, The above rule also goes for faces hidden with glasses, hats, scuba gear, or halloween masks... no
If I can't see your face, I can't tell if I'm attracted to you, so for the love of all things right... CLOSE UPS people.

4, The picture with their "banging bod.".. no
Why would you want to show an internet full of people, the skin underneath your clothes. Now granted yes, you have a six packs, and those pecs/ upper body looks amazing, but there's a reason these people are attempting to sway you to date them/talk to them using their body. The lack of personality from spending more hours at a gym than broadening their minds, typically means that the only thing they'll have to talk about... is themselves. So, if you like narcissistic dates, then have at them, otherwise, admire the wrapping and move on.

5, If the potential is surrounded by biddies..no
First, you want to know 'what is a biddie?' It's a person of the same sex/gender as you, whom appears to be overtly slutty, whiny, dramatic, or a man stealer. They typically hang around members of the opposite sex looking for handouts or sex. If you notice that the potential is surrounded by people who look like biddies... RUN. Why? Because it means either one of two things, one, if they mean nothing to him, then he's literally a biddie chaser, or two if they're his closest friends, you should be prepared to become acquainted and hang out with said biddies. Your choice, but I highly don't recommend pursuing.

6, The person who looks 12 but it says 18.
Odds are if this person looks 12, and picked the just legal age of consent... They're 12 and are just trying to attract older prey. Stay away unless you want a potential law suit and some jail time. :/

7, The guy/girl, who holds up their collar to prove that they can pop it.
come on... really?

8, The person sitting on a throne.
Every girl deserves to be treated like a princess. That doesn't mean that they have to demand it. Same goes for guys. If anyone is sitting on a throne in their photo, they're essentially saying if you don't adore me like a peasant and treat me like the royalty I am, then you're going to feel my ruling rath!

9, If they have more than one picture where they appear to be imbibing alcohol... no
Why, you ask, should you hit next, when coming across this person? Easy. If they're that obsessed with alcohol, they're either an alcoholic or a social alcoholic. If they couldn't find pictures of themselves not partaking of the sauce, or they're using the pictures to show how much fun they are, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the only fun they have is drinking. This limits other fun activities, which don't involve hangovers or drunken revelry.

10, If they're making more love to the camera than they should... i.e. They're lecherously staring into your soul via the internet.
These people want one thing. I'll let you imagine what it is. But you're thinking, so do I! People who look lecherously into a camera don't care that the camera isn't real, they're also not going to care about whether or not you say no means no.

11. If they're making out with an old hiking boot (I WISH I WAS MAKING THIS UP).
If the object of the profile has photos where they're making out with inanimate objects and it's actually, not, funny, i.e. hiking boot. It's time to move on. If they're 'making out' with things that are funny, see sting ray, statue, or a mascot, then you can judge based on how funny you intimate the photo is.

12. Model Shots.
You know exactly what I'm talking about. It looks like the same setting, the same lighting, and boy do they look too good to be true. Odds are, either this person is a model (go for it) or this person found an attractive person via an internet search and used those pictures as their own... If you want to see whether or not this person really looks like the person they have represented themselves to be, ask for a casual shot of them... outside of the workplace.


After I've completely berated nearly everyone using internet dating... I'm going to be real. There are people out there using the internet to find real relationships, who aren't full of bull, and who aren't going to screw you over. The problem is trying to find these people is like searching for a pearl in a sea full of oysters, we know they're out there, but it's just difficult. I'm not saying it's not possible, because my brother found his girlfriend via the world wide web, and she's absolutely a sweet heart.

What this blog could get me...

So I realized today as I was reading MSN articles between transcribing footage, that blogs are an imperative part of todays job market.

Did you know that? Apparently, blogs are a great way to show writing samples and allow employers to show how dependable you can be.

After a quick rundown of my blog content, I realized plunking down a post on the desk of one of my potential employers in the television and film industry, might not be the best idea.

So I thought I would explore my options and tell my readers about the jobs I could get as a result of this blog.

1. Relationship Counselor
2. Match.com/Eharmony/etc... employee
3. Matchmaker
4. Relationship Blog/Columnist for Glamour.com
5. Escort
6. Prostitute
7. Bartender

You might question bartender, but when a bar is quiet, and the regular patrons are shuffling in (think cheers), how many times did Sam have to give relationship advice to the patrons? Exactly, I see this working out in the long run.

I'm Sorry, Too Busy

Rinng. Rinng. Beep. Beep. You've Got Mail! Tick Tick, clack clack.

Those are the noises of globalization.

The world as we know it is getting smaller and smaller.

I can sit on Skype and video chat with every friend I've ever wanted to.

I can send 20 separate texts a minute.

I can call all corners of the world... if they understand my broken Spanish or languid English.

But for some odd reason, amidst all this communication. People seem to still be too busy to be there when you need them or to be there when you're dating them or to be there in general.

I know my girls and my guys have run into this exact problem. You're dating someone, it's going good, and then summer is over, or they get a job, or they join an intensive daily kickball team. They'll swear to you up and down, yes I like you, but I'm just too busy to talk/call/text.

I'm going to be real with you. This is BULLSHIT.

I've heard the Doctorate excuse, the Grad Excuse, and the work excuse all before. I've heard it. I get it. You have way too many excuses for why you can't send a text, or you can't send a message. That's fine, but what you people out there using these excuses seem to forget something.

We're all busy.

For some odd reason for the past 15 years of my life I decided to throw myself into every extracurricular, academic achievement, and opportunity that arose. I've taken 4 grad classes in a semester on top of an internship, a job, painting and photography classes, and on top of that, running around in a mascot uniform once a week for four hours, and for some odd reason I was also able to find the time every single day to not only eat and sleep, but to also talk to my friends and family. I might not get to every single friend/family in one day, but in a week or two, I'll talk to every one in my life that matters. Through text, email, Facebook, or phone calls.

When you run into these people, who are just too busy... RUN don't walk. One day they'll become un-busy, but if you stand around and wait for them, one... you look desperate; two... you could wait years; three... you will have missed out on possible relationships or quality friendships with the people around you.

If they are actually interested in you. They make an effort, whether it be, a "Hey I'm thinking about you' text or an email sent from them as soon as they get done with their commute, or a five minute phone call during a study break.

If they're not interested... you'll be getting that busy excuse a lot.

BUT to those of you out there, who are just TOO BUSY to find out how the girl/guy you like is doing, and you actually DO like them, stop d@cking around.

When all it takes is a 5 second text, to see how someone is doing, and you've represented your feelings as those of caring towards someone, and you avoid/"forget" to text, you actually just might be a HORRIBLE person.

Now if you've moved on that's one thing, but if that's the case... you need to tell them. Again, Slow Fading or Avoiding people because you don't like confrontation, is just obnoxious.

The Cure.

Last month, I posted the hit post, "Do you have a Fever?" and promised the cures to the fevers mentioned.

This is the answer to your problems. The Cure for your love illnesses.

1. Paranoid Lovamania - As you stand in the check out line, determined that the guy in front of you is madly in love with you, imagine that he has a wife, a kid, or a girlfriend whom he's going home to right this minute. Imagine their very very happy life together and then realize, you play no part.

As someone passes by you staring uncontrollably, with what you are sure is lust, look down at your clothing, odds are, you have a stain, something's unbuttoned, or you have chocolate on your face.

Begin to realize and accept that people are making eye contact with you, because it's the courteous and right thing to do. Accept that people out there in the world, aside from just those raised in Texas, can and do make eye contact as a sign of respect, not because they're looking for a way into your affections.

2. Charmavirus - Maintain a safe distance to your friends when talking to these charming people. If something seems clichéd then it probably is, don't fall for the tricks in their book, realize that they are playing you in a game of poker you can't afford to lose. Find flaws. Find them quick or you might wind up flat on your back in a flat somewhere in the North East part of DC with no way of getting home.

3. LTRitis - The next time you escape from the holds of a Long Term Relationship. Make it a personal goal of yours to date a certain amount of people, before you consider becoming serious again. If one of these people you date seems to have potential, continue to date them, but also continue to date others until your sure that this is the one you want to spend the next 3 years of your life with.

4. Analyticologist - Stop. Run by the exact actions or words of the crush with someone of the opposite sex or someone whom you know to be very very blunt. Odds are, their actions and words are meant in the exact way they were said or done, without any other thought behind them. Your shoes are fine, they don't hate you and while they might want you, they're probs not going to just walk up to you in broad daylight and say so.

5. Daterphrenia - Being excessively guilty of this illness myself, I personally think nothing is wrong with daterphrenia within reason, ie you realize that they're fake relationships, but if you seem to only be living relationships out through your head and not living them in person, then you might need to broaden your horizons and actually go on a date. While your 3 year relationship with Angelina Jolie seems perfect, unless you're Brad Pitt, it's imaginary and you need to seek a healthy outlet for your love, versus only imagining that you're in a relationship.

6. Handteria - I just really don't want to talk about how to fix this. I'm no Christine O'Donnell, but this is a compulsion that is far beyond me explaining how to deal with it, especially if you have a legit problem with it.

7. Hate Pox - Step back, think of all the people that actually love you. Your friends, family, or pets, and realize that you are a person who has love coming at you from every direction, the odds of your crush actually hating you, unless you've shot and killed their dog or ran over their foot, is very unlikely. Just accept that they have yet to have a sufficient amount of time to get to know you and appreciate you as much as you appreciate them. Maybe in the future they might hate you for some unknown reason, but believing that they hate you without warrant is ill-imagined.

8. Burly Fever - You have the need to feel protected. If you think that this is detrimental to your life, then take self defense classes and learn how to protect yourself, otherwise, accept that burly men are just white knights looking for a damsel in distress, and you just happen to need saving.

9. Shotgun Disorder - If you have to get pregnant to keep a guy. Odds are he isn't worth keeping in the first place or maybe you need to reevaluate your current situation and figure out why he desires to leave you. This could include talking to a counselor, or sitting down one on one with your significant other.

10. Jerk Syndrome - If he seems like a jerk, then don't date him. If he starts to blow you off, he's a jerk. If he hits you, he's a jerk. If he kicks little puppies, he's a jerk. If he complains about how horrible your cooking is, he's jerk. If he starts sleeping with someone else, he's a jerk. Dating him, is only going to hurt you. Find a nice guy, and date him instead.

11. Extalgia - There was a reason the two of you separated. Relive that reason. If extalgia still occurs, relive the pain, anger and frustration which occurred with the break up. It's painful. It sucks, and there is no reason you should have to relive that. Yes, you had many a happy time, but the pain isn't worth attempting again for a few brief moments of happiness amidst it.

12. Intoxapareunia - If you seem to only have intercourse with people while drunk. You probably have a problem. The way to cure this is to simply, not become inebriated. If you are at a party and feel yourself beginning to become tipsy, then you might want to start drinking water. Another way to avoid intoxication is to space out your drinking while also drinking water. And while you're thinking, but that doesn't sound like any fun, remember how much fun it was to wake up next to Victor the Janitor or Sally the Stripper yesterday, and maybe you'll think more positive about sobriety.

It's Better to Know

I have this friend, and recently she went on a first date with a guy whom she wanted to date for a solid while.

She had been fretting over the right texts, the right clothes, the right parties to attend, and she had given a pretty solid go at it.

However, during her supposed-to-be-perfect-date, she discovered, much to her chagrin, that he was moderately to horribly not perfect. I'm not going to go into his flaws, because, that's not my story to tell, but what is my story, however, is this ideal of the perfection for which we strive so hard, crashing down around us.

I'll admit, I've asked friends to check texts, and I've asked them, wait... should I be posting this? And I've asked for help in outfit choices, because, if I'm going to look like an ice skater on a second date, I better look like a damn hot one.

But amidst all this worry and fretting, a part of us, becomes lost.

Imagine a world where you just said what you thought, straight out of your head, you didn't second and third guess every little thing, and you sure as poop didn't buy 4 different kinds of stockings to try out for your perfect date. (cough).

This is the world of you. Yourself. Nothing more, nothing less. Imagine a date where you didn't have to try to be perfect, and you weren't worried about whether or not your hair was out of place, because the person on the date with you, doesn't care. They want to be there with you because they enjoy you, for you. I know it's a hard thought to process, but somewhere in the world, right now, is a person, who will laugh at your worst jokes, who will know that you like silence, and who will know not to fill the silence with uncomfortable chit chatter. Who does all the right things at all the right times, and at times says the exact same thing you say at the exact same time you say it, and it's not annoying, it's cute.

Now imagine that's your perfect.

Isn't it better, to ask someone out, and find out if they're your perfect? Versus, sitting on the sidelines and waiting to see if they MIGHT be your perfect? People today hide behind their shyness. I do. My friends do, but we shouldn't have to worry whether or not the cutie in chem or the hottie on the metro likes us as much as we're heads over heels for them, instead, we need to take the initiative, like my friend from the beginning of this post and Ask. Them. Out. You don't have to ask them on a 5 course dinner, you can ask them to coffee, or the boardwalk, or Annapolis, or something fun, where even if the date turns out to be the worst experience of your life, you still had the opportunity to have fun.

Because, in truth, isn't it better to know that Hottie McGorgeous is 2 fries short of a happy meal, rather than spend the next 2 years pining after him, only to figure out at that time that he moved and forgot the furniture (i.e. the wheel's still turning but the hamster is dead). Or find out that he has some other flaw yet unknown.

The key is, you could buck up now and take the chance, or take 2 years to build up the courage only to realize that your ideal person, is horribly non-ideal. Because isn't it better to know, now?

Are you confused, because I am

Did John say he played hockey, or did Frank? Is Gina a rock climber or is Shaina?

Odds are if you're playing the field... you're level of comprehension over who's on first is out the window.

In fact, you have no idea which guy said what and which girl does what.

So you could be asking yourself, Rose!? If I'm dating multiple people, how do I keep them all straight.

Step one, don't date people that look alike. This is a major faux-pa. Why? Because If JC is just a bigger version of Samson, then you're going to become confused, extremely confused. If your friends are telling you, wow, doesn't he look like that other guy you're dating, Dave, then you probably shouldn't mix the two at the same time. Wait till you're done with Dave and then move on to Smith. BECAUSE, and this is the biggest because of all. Consider the following statement the Holy Grail of multiples dating: IF YOUR FRIENDS THINK THAT THEY LOOK SIMILAR; THEY'RE GOING TO CALL SMITH BY SAMSONS' NAME AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME.

Imagine this: You're sitting, snuggled up on the couch with Gina and all of the sudden your roommate walks in... You're also dating ruth and betty, but Gina doesn't know. Why does she need to. Then it happens. Roommate looks down at you, Hey Roomie, oh hey Betty, good to see you again!

Gina sits up... and is now confrontational. You now have a pissed off girl on your couch and odds are, you're going to get slapped.

Step two, write down, everything you remember about the girl after you have your date, unless you have the memory of a God.
I once had a professor, probably one of the most friendly professors I had, and he would tell the class that the reason he was so good at networking and building up trust and relationships with thousands of people was because he had files on them all. Now I'm not saying that you should start a filing cabinet, or keep your notes in a place easily found by girls/boys you're dating, but what I am saying is that it might be beneficial for you to write down your thoughts and facts about the girl so that you can brush up on who she is before the date. Because no one likes to be told they like to ice skate, knit, and sew when they actually would love to surf, snowboard or sky dive.

Step three, if you still are having trouble telling Steve from Peter and Sally from Sam, then here's my last piece of advice. Stop dating so many people. No, but really. If you're literally dating 3 or 4 different girls every week, then to be perfectly honest you need to consider what's wrong with you. Why do you have such a high turn-over? Maybe you're crass, maybe you're an ass (if you're dating this many peeps, you probs are). You should probably limit your dating quotas to something more managable so that you're giving a fighting chance to the girls/guys you're dating. No one can live up to perfect expectations, and by you expecting them to, you're only hurting yourself.

Mr. Perfect.

If I had to pick my dream man, he'd be built like Gerard Butler (cerca 300), look like Angus MacFadyen (cerca Braveheart), have the heart of Pope John Paul II, and have the personality of Adam Richman from Man vs. Food.

The problem with my amalgamation of dream characteristics is that... 1. It's never going to happen and 2. It limits me.

I can sit around waiting for this perfect man to walk into my life, which odds are, will never actually happen, OR I can look around and be proactive about finding the perfect FIT.

What do I mean?

Well there's my ideal man, he's perfect, he likes scuba diving, LOVES the ocean, likes sitting at home snuggling, watching copious amounts of movies, eating brownies, eating in general, spoiling me, being spoiled, loves kids, is the most patient man on the planet, loves the way I decorate, has the memory of a God, and can grill like nobodies business.

20 Bucks says this man who looks like Angus Macfadyen/Adam Richman/Gerry Butler, and has all the above qualities, doesn't exist. In fact, if I ever find him, I'll propose on the spot, BUT what does exist are thousands of men who match, can give me all the love and attention I need, without being EXACTLY what I want. In fact I would say, finding someone who meets exactly what I want, would be horrible boring... unless they look exactly like Angus, but the unknown factor that these thousands of men do bring to the table, creates excitement.

Having these ideals, is good, but when you limit yourself to finding future happiness, because you're so blinded by finding perfection, you're not only losing out on the chance to date people who could potentially be your soul mate. You're missing out on the opportunity to find happiness because what you think will make you happy is the only thing you're willing to consider.

For example, my mother, did not want to date Mr. Rose, because he was skinny, awkward, and horribly annoying. He would sit behind her in math class, feet on her seat, and because of his restless leg syndrome, he would shake her silly. She'd turn around and say, "stop, quit, please take your feet off of my desk," and he would do so, forget five minutes later and repeat the whole seat shaking event, much to my mother's chagrin.

One day, Mr. Rose, says, "hey you wanna go out with me..." my mom says, "HELL NO," probably without the cuss word, but still quite as emphatically. 'Why,' she thinks to herself, 'would I want to date the awkward kid that wears a wetsuit to school, because he doesn't want to ruin his clothes while riding his motorcycle.' She goes home, talks to my grandmother about the whole situation, and my grandmother says, "just one date, it's not like you're going to marry the guy, and it'll get him to leave you alone".

Needless to say 40 years later, here I am, the product of a 40 year long marriage and countless happy times.

Now I'm not saying that you should date the creeper staring at you in the corner, licking his lips, but what I am saying is that you shouldn't discredit someone just because they don't match your ideal man, you never know, they could be the Yin to your Yang.

No Follow Through

You have been waiting all week for this. The Saturday night date. They promised you butterflies and rocket ships and you are more excited than you've been in a long while.

You shoot the potential a text earlier in the day and get....

nothing.

No worries, you think, maybe they're still stuck in bed after a crazy night.

So you keep going about your day.

Then it gets closer to the time, and shoot another text.

And you get...

nothing.

Now you're kind of irked, it's like 4 o'clock and really no one should still be sleeping unless they have the flu, and you hope to God they don't have it, but you're pretty sure they don't.

Now, barring serious illness, family/close friend emergency, or a car crash, the following information stands as is.

So it's about an hour before hand, and you're getting ready hoping that maybe they'll show up, but you're not too sure. So you give them a call.

Ring

Ring

Ring

Voicemail.

It's the point of your day where your emotions have hit an all time low. You've been turning down plans from your friends all day, because you have a date, which is supposed to be out of this world, but your magic night is now seemingly out of your grasp because Joe Schmo isn't answering his phone.

You could call again, and maybe get a response about how, OMG I totes forgot, but the odds are you're going to get voicemail... again.

Point of the matter is if this person cares enough about you, then they should have the respect for you to let you know that they aren't going to be able to make it, or that they had an emergency.

But if they just aren't making the effort to return your calls, then it's probably in your best interest to call up your friends and make evening plans with them to replace the ruined date night.

Why sit at home, waiting for the phone to ring, moping and eating caramel coconut brownies, when instead you could be eating caramel coconut brownies in a group, commiserating with people who know what you're going through.

Now if your date for an event isn't returning your phone calls and it's an hour or two before a huge gala where you paid for two people, then it's time to hit up that phonebook. An important friend that every single girl needs is that platonic straight/or gay friend that is there for you no matter what. She/He's the one you call when you need a jar opened or a light bulb changed or a helping hand to move your belongings out of your recent exes apartment, during a snow storm.

So if you don't have that platonic straight/or gay friend, you really need to start looking for one of these first, prior to whole dating game, because that friend can be the difference between wasting $50 on a ticket for a no show, and having a great night with good friends.

In conclusion, a man/woman with no follow through will only continue to disappoint you in the long run, and who needs the stress of wondering if this time they'll show up for the next date or the next event or the next thing when you need them to be there for you. It's better to cut your losses and find someone who values your time and respects you.

Cut and Run

If you have been a smart dater in the DC area, you've been dating a few people in various ranges of seriousness. Unless that's just not how you roll and then you've been dating just the one or not at all.

But there comes a time in nearly every relationship where it's time to shank a relationship, by which I mean, kill it and run away.

It sounds gruesome I know, but the idea is that of a bandaid, that the quick act of killing a relationship dead is the best.

But how do you know when?

Probably when they've stopped calling... texting... or emailing/messaging you. I'd say that's the safest time to shank it and be done, but in that case they might have shanked you.

So we come to the question of how to do a preemptive shank before you're left wondering, "but he wanted to hook up all of my friends with all of his friends, and now he clearly doesn't even want to hook up with me," or "but weren't we going grocery shopping?"

SO HOW TO TELL:

1. You can see in their eyes the following emotions: shame, hate, disgust, anger, lust (as he/she looks at another person), or fear (BLINDING fear).

2. They don't hug/kiss/f(*% you anymore or have clearly no urge to do so in the future.

3. They stop making plans. If you typically had a weekly/bi-weekly date night/ coffee break/ study break/ eating session and those plans stop happening/ the other party no longer attempts to plan them and they seem uninterested when you try to plan them, probably time to let go.

4. They begin to talk about/ walk about/ eat about/ flirt about with other girls/boys. (even worse if it's in front of you).

5. They ignore you. (I'm not talking you think they're ignoring you, I'm talking they've seen you sitting in the coffee shop, have made eye contact and then run the other way ignoring you). *This feeling here, is probably the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my entire life.

6. They become "busy," for no reasonable reason, and you seem to have the following conversation over and over.

You Call: HEY Hon, how goes it?

Them: Good Good, you?

You: It's crazy, but I just wanted to call and see if we're still on for thursday

Them: Oh, wow, I'm sorry, I don't think so... I'm really busy.

You: well what about next week sometime?

Them: Well I just have so much on next week, and the next, it's not looking so good either.

7. They begin to use you.

Characterized by:

A. They have a long-distance girlfriend they never see, but seem to think dating you would be a great idea.

B. They seem to be only calling you after ten p.m. to see you that night.

C. Can we say, BUY ME SOMETHING.

D. Only will see you in public holding hands at events, never ask you to hang out one on one in private.

8. Your own disinterest.

Some of these you might disagree with. My suggestion is that if you begin to notice a slew of these while in a dating relationship, then maybe it's time to cut your losses and look for a successful relationship elsewhere.

Why? Because you deserve someone who will fight to be with you. You deserve more than just a cursory (or none at all) text message every week or two. You deserve the happiness that you know you deserve.

Where'd ya meet... well... uh... um?

I met him, online.

No, but really.

I'm not quite sure why that phrase frightens to the extent it does. The social connotations of meeting someone online are still considered negative, though slightly improved over 5 years ago.

I still remember while in high school, my brother's girlfriend IMed me, they'd met online and while I had yet to meet her, she was still very interested in getting to know me, even though she wouldn't have that chance in person till much later.

People believe that meeting someone online is like the last desperate search for true love.

I disagree.

Online dating is a proactive way in which to further your search for a soul mate/ date/ activity partner. If you look around yourself and wonder, where are all the cute men? Why haven't I met someone? When is he going to arrive? Then you must also ask yourself, what am I doing in order to make my love life happen.

People who join online dating services usually realize that while they haven't found perfection around them, they are extremely hopeful that perfection exists and they are willing to take the risk, virtually, to meet them. It's no different than going into a bar and picking and choosing that way, in fact finding a person online might be even better.

Here's why:

1. While E-harmony doesn't use a picture and a paragraph, it's still more information than you would get from just blindly choosing a guy in a bar, and sites like E-harmony and Match.com and all the ones you pay for, usually offer an in depth personality profile of the person, viewable, before you even send them a hello. Sure, you have the 360 degree view of in person, but by reading that paragraph, you can already tell a person's personality, judgement, thought process, and relationship goals.

If you can get all that from just saying, I choose you at a club, I'd be baffled.

2. You don't have to do anything you aren't ready for. Most people will say, I dont have to do anything in person either, but here's what I mean, If I'm at a bar and it's closing time and George has just asked for my number... I'm far more likely to say, yeah, than I am to say, here's my digits to a guy on the internet... why? Because by getting to know someone through Iming or emailing, you have the ability to STOP responding and not have to look the guy in the face and say no. (A plus for the shy people in the crowd)

3. He/She's not DRUNK. I don't have to point out the serious advantages of this idea.

If you meet someone while drunk, what are the odds, they'll remember you in the morning? What are the odds that that they'll puke on you/grab you/ manhandle you? While alcohol is the social lubricant, the girl that has not only made out with me, but also my best friend, is probably not the girl you want to bring home to mother... unless she has thoroughly redeemed herself a year later and proven to be quite awesome.

4. Bars = Alcohol = Goodtime = Loosey Goosey

When you go to a bar, what are you looking for? Depending on who you are you could be looking for a number of things, usually I go to hang out with friends, hit up my favorite bartenders, and potentially dance the night away. Some people however use bars as their personal sex buffet. What do I mean? I mean that some people literally go to bars with the direct intention of meeting someone, giving them lots of drinks, have a good time, then have and GREAT time, if you catch my drift.

Odds are, morning after, you have to crawl out of their bed at 6:00 a.m., hailing a cab and forgetting your knickers. It is possible to find people who are into the above, but if you're not into that, online dating offers you a plethora of means in order to get to know someone, before you get to KNOOOOW someone.

I am not saying that online dating is an answer to all of your prayers, but what I am saying is that, if you're looking for something a bit more serious than a nightly fling, you might want to consider alternatives (not just the internet) to clubs/bars in your search of Mr/Mrs Right.

Do you have a Fever?

I might not be Dr. Laura, but I have noticed an upsurge in the illnesses associated with love. Feverish with love is no longer an expression, my loyal readers. NO. In fact, you might find yourself burdened with some of the diseases on my list.

1. Paranoid Lovamania - The uncontrollable belief that EVERYONE, is in love with you. The man at the bar. The girl on the bus. The dog peeing on the hydrant.

Sufferers complain of feeling like everyone is looking at them lecherously.

2. Charmavirus - A horrid virus where the sufferer becomes infected with the charms of those around them. They're easily susceptible to bad pick-up lines, winking, and offers to buy them ponies.

3. LTRitis - Long Term Relationshipitis is an infectious disease, whose symptoms include the need to be in multiple long term relationships, back to back, without exploring what else is out there.

4. Analyticologist - The Study of Analyzing what happened to you five minutes ago. An Analyticologist is in the business of overanalyzing every word, every gesture, and every thought regarding their potential/significant other. They constantly are pondering the third and fourth meaning of every statement.

i.e., Actual Statement: "Hi!"

Double Meaning, "I want you."

Third Meaning, "I hate you."

Fourth meaning, "Those shoes do not go with those socks, but if you'll come a bit closer I can forget about it.... for just one night."

5. Daterphrenia - Someone who frenziedly dates everyone in sight, within their own mind. They consistently turn people down, because they can never surpass the relationships they've already had, mentally, with George Clooney, Angelina Jolie, or Lil' Wayne.

6. Handteria - "-teria" is the suffix for an establishment that is self service... Handteria therefor means that you need to figure this one out for yourself.

7. Hate Pox - A rash of ill-contemplated/judged decisions about whether or not a person likes you. Usually makes the sufferer believe unsupported that their crush/significant other actually hates them, no matter what anyone else tells them.

8. Burly Fever - An elevated desire, well above the normal range, towards people who are burly.

Symptoms include searching for the largest, though slightly muscled person in a room and seeking out their companionship.

9. Shotgun Disorder - A need so intense that when it occurs, the sufferer believes that in order to maintain their current relationship, they need to produce a pregnancy.

10. Jerk Syndrome - essentially a long string of relationships with jerks, even though one knows that in the end, they'll be left empty handed, frustrated, and broken-hearted.

11. Extalgia - The constant reminisces about how great your ex is in comparison to the person you are currently seeing. Sufferers might also find that they incur extalgia when single as they pine for their past love life.

12. Intoxapareunia - The well documented need for intercourse while one is drunk. This is not a one time occurrence. People who contract intoxapareunia constantly seek out people in bars, clubs, pool halls, and proms while thoroughly intoxicated in order to engage in sexual activities.

While current medicines cannot properly alleviate the above diseases, knowing what you've contracted is the first step in recovery.

However, in our next post, we will address possible holistic medical procedures to alleviate your concerns.

The New Phase

Recently I moved into a new apartment, and as I sit and stare out my window a bit past midnight, I can't help but look at the trees. They're everywhere. The dark shadows contrasting the nightly haze of DC in the background and it made me wonder.

In a world full of darkness, how does anything stand out.

Light.

Many people become discouraged over their constant state of single. It's hard. In a metropolitan area with hundreds of thousands of singles searching for their soul mates, it can become discouraging to wake up every morning knowing that you haven't quite pinned yours down yet.

But let me illuminate the situation for you, and help a few facts stand out from the ever living shade of dark.

1. When buying a car, do you walk into the lot... shout, THAT ONE! and immediately grab it and stroll away? No. You take the time to walk around the car, check for damages, learn the features, test drive the equipment, you get a second and third opinion and then go into heated discussions with the sales man about the worth of the car and what you're willing to deal with as a price.

Shouldn't it be the same for the person that you're supposed to spend the REST of your life with (We're pretending divorce doesn't exist). Cars only last for what? 10-20 years before you have to replace the engine or do a total re haul? A soul mate is in theory, for life. That means you're not just checking to see if this person is supposed to be with you for the next 10-20 years as a car would, it means that you're searching for someone who fits you like the contoured leather seats of an Audi R8 or the fabric comfort and safety rating of a Honda Civic.

2. When painting a room, properly... there are so many steps... and if the room previously has 20 layers of paint or 13 layers of wallpaper, you have to peel back the layers to find the actual wall... Then once you get to that true wall, it takes time, and effort to perfect the turnout.

You don't just toss a slab of paint on the wall and walk away... To truly discover the heart of a person, it takes time and effort, it also takes that same time and effort to leave your mark on their heart, and if you do it right and properly, the mark you leave might be ever lasting. Painting takes time, it takes a primer, and at least two coats, it also takes time to dry and to look at how it works within your room. I'm not saying go window shopping for a guy or to make a girl look exactly how you want her. I'm saying that like the time and struggle it takes to paint a room, finding your perfect "shade" takes a while.

and finally

3. Stop. Look around you on the street. You might complain about never meeting someone... but how often do you pass people on your way to work/school/eye doctor appointments? Like I said, there are hundreds of thousands of singles in the metro area... don't limit yourself to only the people you know, right now.

Let's be honest, saying you met a guy at a bar, doesn't sound like a great story to run home and tell mom about. Saying, well I was walking across a cross walk, when this gorgeous fellow smiled at me... I dropped my bag and he picked it up, helped me across and we stopped for some coffee... No but really?! Doesn't that sound amazing!? (Minus the part where you're clumsy). The majority of people aren't observant. They don't look around them when they're walking. People don't take the time to actually LOOK at the people around them. When walking with friends, sometimes I'll say, "wow did you see that whack hat that guy was wearing." They usually respond, "what guy? I didn't see anybody wearing a hat." Did you know that most people who are mugged, only remember the color of the person's skin... The key here is being observant, you NEVER know who you'll meet if you just take the time to look around and smile at the people walking past.

I don't have perfect advice, and I don't have all the answers, but this here... these little tidbits of hope, might help you begin a new phase in your life... a new phase where you actually do land the prince.

It's Horrifying

I recently watched one of the most gruesome films that I've ever seen.

What you need to know about it is that it's called "Dead Snow," and it's intended to be a comedy horror film. As I watched it however, I slowly began to realize how intrisically the film relayed into life. The stereotypes of people within the film were deeply accurate to people you meet in real life and as the people started to die off as the film progressed, I began to realize, O.M.G. This would be a great dating advice blog.

So here it goes.

How to survive the dating pond OR How to NOT die in a horror movie.

1. As everyone knows the first person to die in any horror movie, is the ober slut. Yes you might have the horny guy who spouts off suggestive catch phrases, but the ober slut, usually gets killed because she's besmirched her character and sullied her family name. However as in horror films, it's important in the dating sphere, to not be the ober slut, because no one will respect you. As an ober slut you are throwing yourself at the first available guy and not waiting to get to know the person you're jumping at. While it might feel right to forgo introductions, it's important to know the person you're dating, before you shack up.

2. The first one at the scene/club/bar/party.

Hello desperation, thy name is you. There's a reason the cliché is "fasionably late" and not "fashionably the early bird." No but really. If you're the first person at the party, you either drink more to make the awkward go away, or you stand awkwardly in a corner waiting for people to arrive, at which point, you look like the "awkward girl" who seems just a bit too desperate and awkward. If you're not throwing the party, and you're not the host's best friend, save yourself the sadness and show up later.

3. The person without the personality.

You know those people that die off pretty early in the film, because you just never get to know them. There's no character development. Guess what! It's safe to say that if no one is getting to know you and you're not trying to get to know anyone else that you're going to be forgotten as soon as you walk out of sight.

4. The guy that has only one obsession.

I love movies. I love them a lot. I also love horseback riding, boating, swimming, and cooking. It's called multifaceted. If you only have ONE thing that makes your heart sing, I'm telling you now, you need to get out more. I'm not saying that it's bad to love doing something with a passion, what I'm saying is that if you really love X and not Y, Z, or A and a bloke comes a long who is really passionate about Z and A, but you only care about X, then you're not going to have much to talk about... are you?

5. The one who is consistently funny.

Humor is never a bad thing. In fact, I usually resort to humor in nearly every situation in my life, but there's a time for humor, and there's a time for seriousness, sadness, love, hate, and a plethora of other emotions. It's the same idea as the obsession, unless you have the ability to express a multitude of feelings and are willing to share them with the people you date, then you're only hindering yourself. Cracking up and having a good time is great, but if you're on date 238 and you still haven't had a serious conversation about anything aside from Dane Cook, you might want to reevaluate your relationship.

Who you want to be is number 6.

THE PERSON WHO EXPERIENCES LIFE AND FEARS AND GROWS THROUGHOUT THE FILM.

You want to be you, but at the same time, relationships/dating is about sharing your life with another person in order to discover if you want to share your life with them forever. You can't know that unless you express your fears, hopes, dreams, and goals with that person. You need to discover the compatibility factor. And a huge part of that factor is the ability to grow with your significant other/date/boyfriend/girlfriend. Exploring who you are with another person is the greatest experience, because they see you for who you are and can see and recognize how you've changed as life happens.

So essentially, you want to be a multifaceted person who takes it slow and doesn't show up before the party starts. I'm just saying. :)

If you use this list of who not to be, and who to be, you might just survive the harsh world of a horror film. You might also survive dating, too.

Mixed Take 2

I'm not saying that I'm the all time guru of relationships and/or being single.

I know a fair bit, and what I don't know I research, (see very large stack of relationship memoirs and a well honed knowledge of msn.com's encyclopedia of relationships + a thorough study in anything newly turned up in science).

But there is one thing that no one can research, because it's all within the mind of another person.

Mixed Signals.

One day she's calling you baby, the next day she's looking at you like you're something she stepped in.

The problem with the mixed signal and the reason that they cause so much drama in burgeoning relationships is the fact that Party A. can never jump into Party B.'s head and therefore will never know what Party B. is thinking, unless they tell Party A.

For example, I could find the dreamiest, handsomest, lecherous (in a good way), and kindest man on the planet tomorrow, and have a beautiful relationship, but unless I tell him how I feel, instead of making him guess, one bad day and that new found crush could be packing up his bags looking for the next Quirky-Texan.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Signals become mixed due to a lack of communication.

A wise professor once made me create my personal mantra (in 3 to 5 pages), which outlined everything in the world I cared about, and my feelings towards everything in my life. I literally had to decide what the most important thing in the world was to me and write it down, for the world to read. If you must know I got an A on my personal mantra, but the thing that it really drove into me, was the fact that my life, is so incredibly short.

The reason that this revelation is so important is because it made me realize, how little time I have and how little time I actually have to spend with the people around me that I really care about.

This revelation also made me realize, how important relationships are. Waisting time trying to decide if girl A, B, C or D is right by playing games and playing the field is all well and good, until you begin waisting their time. This is where the Mixed Signals for this post comes into play.

A lot of people I know have backup dates/girlfriends/friends. They put them on the sidelines incase their first choice doesn't work out. Now that's all well and good for making plans, but the aggravating part about it is that people don't consider the mixed messages and pain they could be causing.

Not answering number 3's texts because number 2 is available is ridiculous, and blowing off plans with number 4 because number 1 suddenly became available is discourteous, and it all sends the wrong message.

I'm not saying don't date around, what I'm saying is that playing games, which causes mixed signals is wrong. Be honest about what's going on, tell your date that you're dating other people (unless you're dating the entire cheerleading team, then keep that bit to yourself).

You'll cause a lot less grief for yourself and the people around you if you just stick to your true feelings about them. If you honestly care for someone/ like someone/ love someone, then you should be able to show that someone, without feeling awkward or pushy or overbearing or silly.

Love my friends is a battlefield and when you shoot your own chances with friendly fire, you're just screwing yourself over in the long run and hurting your hopes to win the war. By keeping everything bottled up, unshared, you're keeping the other person in the dark. Say you really love Party A., but you've had the day from hell and ignore them in the grocery line, because you're too caught up with your own drama, well guess what Party A. is going to think you don't like him, because you're chasing thoughts no one can no aside from you.

The only solution for mixed signals... communication, which is the answer to most problems involving two or more people, and it's the only solution, which will lead to a future.

Competition

You know one of the most frustrating part of facebook?

How it instigates jealousy.

Awhile back I had a boyfriend who in one day posted on my wall 20 times, because he wanted to get one post from another guy off being on my main page.

Let's consider. A random guy posts on my wall and my now-ex-boyfriend had to post 20 times in order to feel better about it!?

Facebook allows the world to see your personal life in a long lasting visual media setting that can be clicked on again and again. For many people in the dating scene it's hard to see all the other gorgeous people posting on their potential's wall, because it breeds discontent, hatred, self-loathing, and jealousy.

Personally speaking I have a ton of very strong willed, confident women as friends, but if they're crushing on a guy, all confidence is out the window. It doesn't matter if the guy sent them 20 texts in one day, if they go to his facebook and discover a "Hey, Had a Great Time Last Night, We Should Hang Soon, When Can I See You?!" Message from some girl they've never heard of, they'll immediately feel less gorgeous, less confident, and less of a romantic interest.

I'm not saying that it's your crushes job to ladle endless compliments towards every hour on the hour, but... isn't it!? (JOKE)

And I'm not suggesting that everyone in the world stop trying to hang out with people they're friends with, or stop posting on your friends walls when you haven't seen them in FOREVER. What I'm saying is a little sensitivity. To be perfectly honest, if you're actually friends with someone, you shouldn't need to post on their Facebook wall to say HEYYYY HANG OUT WITH ME. You should be able to send them a text, saying the exact same thing. It's private, intimate, and more personal than a virtual shout out of "hey what's shakin!"

It's the idea that, my now-ex-boyfriend shouldn't have had to post on my wall 20 times to prove that he was the alpha male in my life... he should have just been able to shoot me a text or a call to let me know he cared versus, competing in an online battle over my affection.

It's the idea that virtual society now makes it easier to view and review constantly the object of our affection at anytime of day or night, which subsequently makes it to where they're constantly on our mind.

It's unhealthy. We dig these holes of affection for someone into which we fall in and don't know how to pull ourselves out. The constant need for reinforcement of a person's affection towards us, through facebook and myspace, only confirms our naive ideas that they don't really like us, because they haven't posted, like, every hour on the hour on all of our pictures...

Wake up. Smell the coffee. People need to realize that vying for affection virtually will only blow up in your face. Contact, actual physical, verbal and emotional contact is the only way to guarantee that you're not competing against the entire cast of Pretty Little Liars for your man's affections.

So please, step away from the trackpad and realize that cyber stalking will only hurt you in the end.

oh HEY! aka Effers who want to hang out with you romantically when they have another person they're dating...

So a friend of mine recently relayed the following story to me.

Once upon a time, a lovely girl in her early 20s met a man at a party in his mid/late 20s and they hit it off. They exchanged numbers, went on a few dates, and over all enjoyed each other's company.

BUT THEN! The evil summer arrived and split the blossoming romance in twain, the girl had to journey back to the north while the man languished in the damn DC heat. They called each other and texted, but still the distance was too great, until fall returned and the girl made the trip back down to DC and rejoiced to be with her highly attractive friends ;) once again.

After making plans to hang out with the girl, the boy flaked. They made more plans, and the boy flaked.

Finally the girl was like, 'yo what's the deal,' and the boy said, 'sorry i've been real busy with work and the girl that I'm involved with.'

The girl was shocked, as was I when I heard the tale, but the question is... what to do?!

Well I don't suggest bashing the windows of their car in (or do I?).

But you do have a few very important things to decide right there and then.

1. Ask him if he's serious/exclusive with the other girl. If he is, then you have some options.

A. Continue seeing him, damn the other girl, he's fine and you want him now... and tomorrow... and the day after that. (This is also know as being the "other woman." If you are prepared for this highly contentious title, go ahead, but I can guarantee the emotional stress will take a toll on your life and strain your relationships with those around you.)

B. Stop seeing him.

C. Be his friend, if you're the bigger person. You could also just lay and wait till he dumps the other chick and swoop in when he's emotionally fragile.

2. Let him go.

3. If he isn't serious/exclusive with the other girl, he might just be keeping his options open. In today's society it's not unknown for people to date 3 or 4 girls/guys at a time, because you never know which one is greater. Also known as, unless there's a rock, it's not official.

For this option you should be glad to know that he is still interested in seeing you, however, you should also be prepared to take certain precautions for intimacy, because if he's doing you, he's probably doing her, and you don't know her... so you don't know what she has...

All in all it's a complicated situation in which you need to talk to the other person involved and decide for yourself, where to go from here.

The Stand

It's 7 a.m., your eyelids flutter open. You yawn, start to stretch, and your arm hits something.

Rolling over on your side, you look down on the body of someone you don't know, lying next to you.

And now, you panic.

When did they get here? Were you that drunk? Were you safe? Do they have aids? Who are they? Do they have a name? Wait... are you in your apartment or theirs? Do you know where their apartment is?

The one night stand.

Either the joy of your life, or the bane of your existence. If you enjoy them, then you probably already know the following, but if you haven't experienced one then keep on reading.

What do you do when they happen and how do you deal with the after effects.

Well if you're a boy, count yourself lucky, all you need is a quick trip to a medical professional and a prayer to the lord above that the girl didn't steal your prize rookie baseball card under the stack of underwear in your dresser... if you were a bit more manly you'd look now, but then she'd get suspicious and check while you go to the bathroom.

If you're a girl, mate, you pulled the short straw. If you know for 100% certainty, that everything was safe and you've been regimented in your 'control' then you should be fine. Just take two tylenol and call it a day, but if you weren't 100% sure, it's time for a trip to your local medical professional and then one short stop at the CVS to pick up a certain 'b' product.

But once you've got all the medical and physical jargon out of the way... what do you do while you're lying there and they are still not awake.

Few options...

1. Wake them Up, while you're getting up. - Say you're leaving and hit the door. If they try to pull you back into bed, enter at your own risk.

2. Get your stuff together and then wake them up. - Tap them with a foot, say you're out and hit the door.

3. Wake them up while still in bed. - Fancier version of this is sneak out of bed, brush your teeth, fix your face and then hop back into bed where you can properly seduce them.

4. Run. - Slide out of bed, turn off their alarm, because you don't want it to go off while you're hitting the road and have them find you halfway down the hallway. Grab your belongings; don't bother changing, and slowly/quietly open the door and start running. One version of this doozy, is to leave your business card and pray they don't call you, unless you really want them to call you... now if you've just USED the person still laying in the bed and you're leaving because you don't want to deal with questions about a future relationship, but you want them to get the impression that you still want to have 'fun' with them, maybe the business card is the proper way to go, but either way, I think it's just a bit sleazy to bolt on a one night stand and leave your business card, but. that's. just. me.

Aside from that I really don't have any opinions to whether or not one night stands are good or bad, I think it depends on the pair's emotional maturity, but that's for another blog.

"I Want Love" - Elton John

Randomly I was reintroduced to the Elton John song, "I Want Love" today.

With the heart wrenching melody and the very intimate lip-syncing of Robert Downey Jr. in the video, within a month of his emersion from rehab, I began to pay attention to the lyrics with a bit more study than normal.

For those of us, who have loved, lost, been heartbroken, had our hearts trampled on, or were pushed aside, the lyrics to the song, might ring a bit truer than to most, but the message of the chorus has something more, which really sticks out to me as someone dating in today's sea of men.

"But I want love, just a different kind

I want love, won't break me down

Won't brick me up, won't fence me in

I want a love, that don't mean a thing

That's the love I want, I want love

So bring it on, I've been bruised

Don't give me love, that's clean and smooth

I'm ready for the rougher stuff

No sweet romance, I've had enough..."

The first stanza, aka, chorus, has a lot of Elton John's yearnings for his future relationships, speaking towards a love that allows him to be who he is, without judging him. I can't agree with him more. When falling in love with a person, it's most important to realize that you shouldn't just want a love that "won't brick [you] up, won't fence [you] in.." You should need it.

I've noticed one too many of my friends jump into a relationship with a guy, just for the sake of being in a relationship with this cute/handsome/gorgeous guy, only to discover that as they go through a relationship with him, he changes how they interact with friends/ how they view their life/ and how they evaluate their dreams and goals.

A significant other, should never ask you to change who you are, they should never limit you to what they think you're capable of. They should be there to support you and your endeavors, to lift you up.

But a lot of people are so worried about being in a relationship that they forget themselves and just try to please the other person, so that everyone is happy and no one get's hurt, but without stating your feelings/wants/needs you can't learn who the person you're involved with is to the core. You can't get to know their entire being without the conflicts.

I've heard a lot recently in the relationship spectrum that people who have the straight/plain lovey dovey relationships, without the rocks, without the arguments are less likely to last in the long run, because when something tough does come about... they don't know how to deal with it.

I'm not saying have a fight every two days about the same guy texting your girl, but the big conversations about what to do in 5-10 years down the road, the direction your going, should be talked about. Conflicts create compromise and compromising is part of building a great/stable relationship. I'm not saying argue for arguing's sake.

I'm not big on fighting with someone you love, but creating a dialogue about things that you need in a relationship is important, and I really think that it's this idea that John means when he says, "[He's] ready for the rougher stuff/ [he's] had enough of sweet romance." And to be very honest with you, I agree with him. The sweet romance has its part and every relationship should have a bit of that in it, but it needs the rougher stuff in order to make sure that it's a relationship that will last the long haul.

So as you begin thinking about the future of your single life, and the people you begin to become involved with, I think you should just take a listen to Elton John's song, and consider the message that he's trying to tell us.

Gamer

Do I call her back... or do I wait two days, to make her reeeeally want to talk to me.

Maybe this is cranky me talking, but normally I would say that 98% of people (yes I made the statistic up, but I'd say 9.8 out of 10 friends agree) dislike playing games.

Oh yes, you like them at first. Sophomore girls represent, but then you start to see a certain pattern, and you're not liking the findings.

If after a date you have to wonder "o.m.g it's taking him like 7 hours to respond to me!?"

Or "why isn't she answering her damn phone?"

Then you my dear, are the target of games.

We all think we're so very suave walking around with our curt nods and our sly hugs in front of the person we're crushing, but in truth, we're making them mad and ruining their sense of pride.

People have this need to connect to one another. It's why sex where there's a visual eye-to-eye connection is more intense. It's why people form bonds and create friendships, we need to feel understood, but throw a stick in the bicycle spokes, and people become confused.

Games make no one feel understood, and they seem to be reciprocal. I.E. If I play someone now... three days/weeks/months/years down, I'm probably going to get gamed too.

Let's go through a typical game.

Boy meets Girl.

Girl likes Boy.

Boy likes Girl.

Girl friends Boy immediately on facebook...

Boy takes three days to accept, then sends a message.

Girl reads message and then takes a week to respond.

Boy gets pissy and puts Girl on limited profile.

Girl gets angry and defriends Boy.

Boy and Girl lose a potential friendship/relationship due to games.

Now you're asking, but what if I didn't respond to the friend request, because I was really busy. Sit down. Shut up.

How many times a day do you go on facebook... well guess what... facebook chat, shows when you're on. People are quite clever with reading names in chat lists in today's day and age.

We're in a world of constant-instantaneous communication. We text our friends; we email our boss; we call our moms/dads/sig-ots all the time. The people we meet who might potentially like us... know this. They know how fast communication happens. Old fashioned in today's society is going out on an actual date with wine/flowers/the whole she-bang, but some how in this modern age, sticking to the whole three days calling thing, still entices people.

Stop it. If you like someone tell them.

Ok... maybe don't run across the quad to the cute girl in your bio class, but if you have someone you just started dating and they're pulling the I'm too cool to show you how into you I am, game. Then call them out on it. Games are ridiculous. People who let themselves get gamed are essentially saying here's my feelings, have fun stomping them. Tell them within reason. You don't have to come out and say, "I like you, you're a peach!," but you could say, "I enjoy spending time with you."

So For the Future Potential Relationships out There, a few rules to live by:

1. HONESTY.

2. COURTESY.

3. NO FRIGGIN' GAMES

4. HAVE FUN!

&

5. ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET TO KNOW A PERSON (More on this in a later Blog!)

The O.M.F.G. What is she thinking blog.

WATCH THIS

If you haven't seen that... then I highly recommend you take the 4 minutes and 9 seconds it takes to watch it.

I noticed for the past few posts I've been directing my comments to the girls. So guys, here's one just for you.

I've come up with a few scenarios with the help of a few friends, where most of the time, guys wonder, 'what the f*^& is she thinking?'

1. She puts on too much make up.

She's thinking that either her skin tone is really uneven or she's actually insecure in her natural features. It's also possible that she really likes expressing herself with makeup. If you like a girl who puts on too much makeup, you could tell her while she's in her natural state, how gorgeous she looks. This will usually get her to think, wow, maybe I don't need five layers of foundation or the G-d, awful blue eyeshadow.

2. She texts you, 'hey how's it going!'

What she's not thinking is I HATE THIS MAN! She's probably thinking (if you're not close friends) I like him; he's fun; I want to hang out with him. If you're interested it's probably in your best interest to attempt to make plans with her.

3. She's grimacing/Jaw oddly set/she's raising her eyebrow and not in the good way.

I'd say she's unhappy with something you've done. Or she thinks the meat kibbeh tastes oddly like a pumpkin pie. If she's doing all three at the same time, (one) she's talented and (two) she probably doesn't agree with you or is finding some flaw in something you've done. Best to just apologize and move on. She'll forget about it in an hour or two.

4. She's Smiling.

She's happy. What'd you think it meant!?

5. She's smiling awkwardly.

She's uncomfortable...

6. She just called you and you're not sure what she wants, because she keeps talking and you're getting confused, because she's not actually trying to make plans, but she keeps going on.

You, sir, have got yourself a talker. She's probably talking about her feelings and things that happened that day. I don't envy you at all. She's thinking that the only relationships that she knows are the ones with her close friends, which involve constantly talking about things that seem very menial to you. However, don't think that she's doing this to make you miserable, in fact, she's doing this because she likes you.

7. She answers her phone during a date.

Unless this is her MOTHER or her FATHER who might be paying for college, and the conversation goes past, "hey mom/dad, I'm busy can I call you back later!?" Then I would say that her interest is beginning to wane, or she might just have poor date etiquette. If it's the former, then I'm sorry... If it's the latter, sucks to be you. She probably has a cat that she talks to all the time too, calling it pooky bear, which isn't actually too bad, until she calls you pooky bear too... which shows that she's masking feelings for her animal towards you, and that's a psychological bird of another feather.

8. She answers your call, or calls you back in like 2 seconds.

She genuinely cares about your feelings and wants to make sure that you understand that you can rely on her to be there if you need her.

9. She takes one look at you and walks the other direction.

Yeah, for those pursuers out there, this does NOT mean she wants to be chased. It means she wants you to leave her the 'eff' alone.

10. She doesn't go in for a hug or acts awkward when you touch her, during a first date or in a group setting.

She probably feels awkward in the new situation. I would recommend a second date, where there's a physical activity that you can interact with her in a more personal way. I wouldn't say that this means automatically that she thinks you're disgusting, unless you chewed with your mouth open the entire time and spit food all over her. She also might be a bit shy, which would explain the lack of touching or physical intimacy, this improves over time.

11. She doesn't respond to your texts or answer your phone calls... like, ever.

I'm sorry she doesn't like you, it's time to move on. There are lots of attractive/fun/awesome girls out there in DC and to hang yourself up on one, who isn't interested is limiting your interaction with the others who probably are.

How to Navigate The Cold Cruel World of the Bar

It's Friday night, and you and your closest friends are headed out to a bar.

Jill wants to dance the night away.

Janet wants to flirt with the bartender.

Janie has a gun... (JK)

and you are on the look out for a potential, dater.

What do you do?

Well, first you satisfy the girl who wants to flirt with the bartender (Blair keep your mouth zipped!). Why? Easy, you get this girl in with the man with the drinks, there will be easy flowing beverages all night, plus the closer to the bar the more likely you are to meet other people making bets and buying rounds.

If you're lucky enough to grab a hottie right off, like a certain friend I know, then you're done for the night, but if you're like other people I know it might take a bit longer. SO, what you do is this. After, Janet has had one too many free shots of "water" let Jill drag you to the dance floor.

Why?

Well it's easy. When you're having fun, you smile. When you smile, you get noticed. If you're dancing and you get noticed, your face will be flushed already. If your face is flushed, it reminds people of invigorating activities which might lead to a conversation on the dance floor.

I don't however, recommend allowing yourself to be picked up on the dance floor, for a very good reason. People on the dance floor more than likely want one thing, and if you're down for that one thing then so be it, but if you're looking for a number and a date later in the week and not later in the night, then I suggest batting the men ON the dance floor away. Most of the ones I've encountered are sleazy anyway.

What I do suggest however is after 3-5 songs of dancing with your peeps, you drag them off the floor to retrieve a refreshment. Your face will still be flushed. You'll still be on the dancing/endorphin high, and you'll be more likely to talk to people you've never met before in your entire life.

I then recommend standing next to a group of people of the opposite sex or whatever you desire... and then I recommend this. Let the girl, who has spent the first 45 mins of her night shamelessly flirting with the bartender dive through. From here you have a couple of options...

1. Apologize for your friend. This engages the people around you in conversation. Mention how what they're drinking looks good or comment on a peculiar piece of jewelry.

2. If your friend spills their drink, which is probably likely since they've been receiving the solid end of free booze for the better part of an hour or two, then offer to buy the person she spilled on their next drink.

3. Tap one of them on the shoulder and whisper/shout in their ear your drink order and ask to pass it along to your friend. You would have asked them to move, but the view from back here was just too good to pass up (ONLY FOR THE BOLD)(Works best with a wink).

4. Stand there... smile at the people around you. Say, "Hi!" Odds are that they're there for the same purpose, to meet people, and who would pass up someone who already looks interested and is SMILING. I don't think that I can say this enough. If you LOOK approachable, ie., like you're having a good time, and you look like a nice, fun person, then the odds are that you will be approached.

If this method doesn't work the first time, then let Jill pull you back to the dance floor a couple more times, it's like your hair, rinse, lather, repeat... As long as you don't dive back into the same group of people that 'rejected' you, and I use the word LIGHTLY, the first time, then you stand a greater chance of success.

What Tragedy Can Teach You

This past Wednesday, my last surviving grandmother, Rose Mary Rose, passed away.

Her and my grandfather, Bill, had been married, just two months shy of 60 years.

In total I've been alive for just over 1/3 of their entire married life... 1/4 of their total life span...

Today looks grim for most single DC-ers, with the intrusion of the real housewives of DC and politicians scrounging up new lovers every day, it's hard for the single people out there to step back and breathe the smog-ridden air and not think about the rat race that is hunting down relationships in the bars and kickball leagues of this city.

So I've come up with a few little life gems, along with the help of my mother/father/grandfather, which might not be relevant to you today, but they should help you along as you grow.

1. Stop obsessing over George Clooney/Anna Paquin. It's not going to happen.

Pinning all your hopes on the impossible-to-attain-lover, only sets up your future relationships for failure. No one can compete with the vision of perfection you have in your head and it's not fair to make them.

2. Settling down with a person who has opposite life goals, will only hurt you both in the end. If you want three kids, and they want nothing to do with children, you'll only wind up with high-blood pressure and a headache. Finding out five/ten years into a marriage or a relationship that they don't want to have kids/dogs/join homeowners associations/invest in hedge-funds will only stress out the relationship and bring it to the brink of possible failure and heartbreak for both parties.

3. You can't change someone's moral/ethical values. This particular piece of wisdom from my grandfather, might seem erroneous to some, but in honest truth, I find it the most important rule of all. I'm not going to get preachy, but opposing moral values can strain relationships. If you believe ardently about giving 20% of your income to helping the poor and your significant other thinks that you're wasting money on bums buying alcohol and refuses to support you in your charity work or vice-versa, then at the end of the day you have a huge moral dilemma on your hand that could have been avoided had you picked a mate with a similar moral compass. I'm not saying that people of opposing religions can't get along... I'm saying that if you and your spouse/sig-ot don't agree on the directions of your life and your impact on the world as a couple, then you're going to have problems on your hand.

4. Perfection doesn't exist. Hard to accept, I know. However, someone with flaws that you can surpass, does exist. Make sure that at the end of the day, the way they click their teeth up against a fork isn't going to drive you crazy. Learn to love the whole person, from the leaving the seat up, to the forgetting to clean the hair from the drain (disgusting, I know).

5. You don't live forever and neither will your spouse. My grandfather said something tonight that stuck with me, "I was given 60 years with someone, I didn't deserve a day with." There will be fights. There will be arguments. There will be moments you want to take down the 22 and blow their brains out, but the truth of the matter is this. When you find someone with whom you decide to spend the rest of your life with, cherish it. Everyday is a new adventure and you never know when someone will kick-off before their time, but you shouldn't take the time you have with them for granted.

Every relationship in your life, brings you to where you are. From your relationship with friends/family/lovers/boyfriends/girlfriends, etc... There are lessons in every moment of your life that brings you to who you are and to the significant other you will become. As long as you remember that the life-gems around you always have things to teach.