Wednesday, December 22, 2010
You Can't Change the World
Well in truth you probably are quite wonderful, but here's the catch. You can't change the world. You can't change how people view you and how desirable you are unless you first change yourself. I'm not saying go out and get a nose job or liposuction, I'm saying that you should change your approach to dating.
If you don't put your best foot forward and consistently appear like you don't care, then those around you will notice. They'll see that you're not trying and assume you're not interested in people finding you attractive.
Whether you realize it or not, you send out subliminal messages with how you dress, converse, and move.
Think of it this way.
(And yes I'm totally about to use Disney as a comparison)
We're going to use Winnie the Pooh and the characters in it as a way to show you that your presentation is affecting your life.
Consider if your personality matches any of the following.
Rabbit: A complainer. You find the worst in people and things and you make sure everyone knows you're displeasure. You're pessimistic and act as if you want people to leave you alone, and surprise for the most part. They do.
Eeyore: Depressed. You have a cloud over your head and see the world and its opportunities half full. Your soul is dark and you believe that you are unloveable, and because of believing yourself unloveable, you make it hard for people to love you, due to the fact that you're not accepting of that love.
Piglet: Timid. You find yourself not believing that you will ever be in a relationship, due to your horribly shy nature, however, as with most people, once people get to know you they will find you to be exactly what you are, a generous, kind, and friendly person.
Tigger: Hyperactive. You find yourself constantly searching for something more fun than your current activity, also known as bigger-better-syndrome. You become bored easily and need constant activity. This is overwhelming for a lot of people and due to your consistent activity it can become difficult to sustain a relationship in which you are bored. So you are always searching for someone who can keep you occupied or allows you to be occupied with other activities.
Kanga: Mother figure/ or the Caring figure if you're male. People with this personality like to dote upon their significant others and friends, taking care of them. They're very loyal and love to make sure that your life with them is as easy as pie, as long as you wipe your feet before coming in the front door.
Roo: Is too young to be dating, and you know it.
Winnie-the-Pooh: The Thinker. When you come face to face with a problem, you would much rather sit and think about how the problem can be resolved, while eating something. However you seem to be much more talk and a lot less action. You tend to do the best with what you have and overall show a positive face to the world, unless the world ran out of honey. Then we might have a problem.
So the question you have to ask yourself, is what face are you showing to the world? Are you overtly energetic, a pensive soul, or a complainer? If you begin to think about your positives and negatives and how you're representing them to the world then you might realize that you can change your negatives and the face you present. This ability to change yourself, will give you the opportunity to find out if in fact how you seem to other people is the reason for your lagging love life.
I'm not saying that you have insurmountable negatives or that your negatives make you a horrible person, but the knowledge of what your negatives are in proper scope with your positives, can give you the power to present a more positive face to the world. Because you can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Single for the Holidays?
And that's o.k.
Don't force a relationship just because you want to show people you're not alone, in fact, that could be the worst decision of the whole year, because after the holidays, you're going to get questions from Aunt Sue, or Uncle Tim, and Cousin Kelly until the next time you bring another date to a family gathering. Or until you break down and cry because everyone else in the room is married or engaged and you recognize your future fate as the family spinster or ornery perpetual bachelor.
So here's a few ways to accept your singleness and fend off the questions, you and I know will be asked of you at the family table.
1. Bring a best friend. Best friends are few and far between, and more often than not, they don't disappear due to a break up, unless they mistakenly send you a text calling you a bitch behind your back. Best friends are also usually already acquainted with your mother and father, so it will make the whole affair less awkward, because they'll only be meeting family they haven't met before. They're also less likely to be attacked of question of your looming engagement or babies.
2. Master the, "take a drink and cough" routine. They ask a question you're uncomfortable with or not eager to answer, such as, "so are you one of those gays?" or "do you just have a low libido?" You smile and take a drink (KEY: HAVE DRINK IN HAND, THIS DOESNT WORK WITH AN IMAGINARY DRINK). Pull drink away from your mouth, and then start coughing, as if choking, get up and walk to the bathroom to take care of yourself, when the fit is over. Also works with eating a snack, like pretzels or chips. They become so concerned for your well being, the question gets dropped.
3. Avoid people, hang out solely with your brother/sister/cat.
(However this just perpetuates your image as the perpetual bachelor/spinster/crazy relative).
5. Create an imaginary significant other. (This is harder in the age of facebook especially if you're friends with your family members).
6. Say you're trying to find yourself, before you drag an unsuspecting victim into the reaches of your crazy ass family.
7. You could also be between boyfriends/girlfriends.
8. Say you've met someone, but it's just not serious. Another form of the I'm dating lots of people, just no one serious.
9. If you're baking savy, stay in the kitchen and bake for the evening. Bake, NOT cook, because baking requires precise measurements, which requires your utmost attention, which means you can't answer Great Aunt Maud's questions about why you haven't had a boyfriend for the last five years or why your last girlfriend disappeared. Even if they haven't finished the 10 cakes you bake, at least you don't have to answer their questions, and you can send everyone home with a cake for a present.
And my personal favorite, JOKE.
10. Bring up their failed romances. It's known as the dodge and jab approach. They ask, "so are you still seeing that cute construction worker?" and you respond, "no, i really found him rather boring, but what ever happened to your first husband? He was so sweet."
If the last method is employed, be ready to jump and run, because depending on how hard you jab, they might actually slap you.
So while you'll be going home for the holidays, alone, you wont be without an arsenal of tactics to defend yourself against nosy relatives and curious family friends.
A SIDE NOTE: BE WARY OF YOUNGER COUSINS/ FAMILY FRIENDS WITH FIANCES OR SERIOUS SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.
Their questions will be more piercing and more mocking than your older relatives/friends, because they're attempting to one up you. Responses to them should usually include an embarrassing story in order to make them realize you wont play nice if they wont. If you can't get in your response immediately, bring it up later in front of their significant other. Otherwise, they'll think they can walk all over you.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Ain't No Walk in the Park
Dating is hard.
You can spend months with Mrs. Perfect on Paper only to discover she's in love with someone else, which is totally o.k., because you only dated her because your friends told you how perfect she was. But now you've wasted all those months where you could have dated Mrs. ACTUALLY Perfect.
You could spend a year dating the wrong sort of guys and then date the right sort of guy, only to have them swept away with graduate studies.
You will spend countless minutes on the worst date of your life praying that the girl across the table will morph into the last girl you dated, because she was perfect and this girl can't seem to keep her mouth closed while she's eating.
The question is how can we take this crazy world of dating and make it into something positive, where everyone comes out with the love of their life?
It's difficult to say, because a huge hinderance in dating someone you don't know, i.e. the majority of people you will date, is that you don't know them. That's the whole process. Even if you've dated them for two months, you still don't know the reason to why all of the sudden they seem like hell on wheels.
And this is where the majority of early, promising relationships fail. Lack of Communication.
And you're thinking, but I talked to her all the time!
Yeah, but did you ask about her day? Did you ask why they seemed to be pissy? You have no way of knowing unless you ask. Without the ability to honestly and openly communicate with your interest, you'll be losing the most important building block of a healthy relationship.
A while back, I went through hell. My closest friends were the only people who really knew, aside from my family, and all the ladies at my mother's office (gotta love her). I, also, happened to also be dating someone at the time. The guy's lack of compassion or curiosity for my own plight, while I had been nothing but supportive for his constantly-consistently-high-levels of stress, doomed the relationship from the first moment my uncle decided I needed a taser. (I did not tase the guy I was dating, but Oh yes, my life got ugly).
Now I'm not saying that you're supposed to lean on the person you're dating for all your emotional support and needs, because early on in a dating relationship that's more annoying than necessary, but being able to talk about the big struggles in your life as they occur, allows bonds to be formed between the two of you.
So the moral of the story is this. IF you want to make a relationship work. If you are tired of being single and think, just maybe this one here, the one I'm dating now, could be a great relationship, remember this. IF YOU DON"T COMMUNICATE, If you don't make an effort towards learning about the person and attempt to establish a healthy communicative partnership where you share hopes, dreams, struggles, and life; you're dooming yourself to go through the entire process again.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Expand Your World
On the flip side however is dating a wide variety of people. Why date the college cheerleader over and over again, when you know you're going to listen to multiple tales about how Susie never held her pom-poms right?
It's pointless to only date the exact same type of person over and over again.
Dating should be used, in my opinion, as a way to expand your horizons and learn about new cultures, foods, and experiences. Sure you love Mexican food, but how do you know exactly how much you appreciate the taste of a charbroiled fajita without experiencing the salty twang of a grape-leaf something or other at a middle eastern restaurant?
People so often pigeon hole themselves into believing that they can only like one type of person, that, to be blunt; they're missing out.
Why not date against type? You have no idea the knowledge which could be strewn at your feet, personally from the masses I've learned to count to 10 in Albanian, how to mix the perfect buttery nipple (haha), and how to pretend that I like cars. For the record, I don't like cars. I like the ability they have to get me from here to there and I love my little box a car, Terrence, but aside from that I have no idea what a hemi is, and to be perfectly honest the argument of rotary versus block engines, makes me nauseous. On top of that, due to the school I just graduated from, if I have one more man yell at me or start an argument against my religious or political views, I'm going to punch them. But now I know that.
I've learned the finer points of president Abe Lincoln, the intricacies of electrolysis therapy, and believe it or not, did you know pit bulls are actually terriers?! Go figure.
Here's what I'm saying.
You could be an expert in Pom-Poms or you could get a rounded out view of the world. Catch the drift? I don't mean to pick on cheerleaders, but there is a whole world out there, which you can learn about via dating.
If you haven't had the chance to travel around the world or visit small town America, dating can give you that rounded out world view. You can date a guy from the backwoods of West Virginia one night, and a world traveler the next. You can get those experiences and at the same time; you'll also be getting great travel tips.
Why put your friends through the difficulty of remembering Big Jock # 6, when you could give them names like Prince of Serbia or the Lumberjack?! I'm just saying that dating a wide array isn't just beneficial for you, but is also beneficial for your dating life, because there's no way in hell that your friends can confuse the 6' 12" (joke) basketball player with the tiny yet burly doctor. You get the drift? Essentially you'll never have to worry about your friends cross naming people. I.e. Tony will never have to be worried about being called David and vice versa.
DATE AROUND! That's the point, if you haven't gotten it.
You'll not only expand your mind, but you'll also learn more about your likes and dislikes as you go along.
Friday, November 19, 2010
You joined it.
You're tired of the endless string of pictures.
You have no idea who out of this endless sea of fish would be a good potential.
I have the solution...
A list of things, which will help you decide if he's NOT mr. right, or she's NOT miss perfect, in .352 seconds.
1. If his tongue is sticking out... no.
I once had a friend tell me if I stuck it out I was going to have to share it... since then, people who stick their tongues out in that playful, cute way now only mean once thing... I wanna share this with you.
2. If there are no close ups of your face... no
For all those people who are pondering, but she looks great, look she likes doing blah, blah, blah. Odds are when you see her up close for the first time. You'll know why there were no close ups.
3, The above rule also goes for faces hidden with glasses, hats, scuba gear, or halloween masks... no
If I can't see your face, I can't tell if I'm attracted to you, so for the love of all things right... CLOSE UPS people.
4, The picture with their "banging bod.".. no
Why would you want to show an internet full of people, the skin underneath your clothes. Now granted yes, you have a six packs, and those pecs/ upper body looks amazing, but there's a reason these people are attempting to sway you to date them/talk to them using their body. The lack of personality from spending more hours at a gym than broadening their minds, typically means that the only thing they'll have to talk about... is themselves. So, if you like narcissistic dates, then have at them, otherwise, admire the wrapping and move on.
5, If the potential is surrounded by biddies..no
First, you want to know 'what is a biddie?' It's a person of the same sex/gender as you, whom appears to be overtly slutty, whiny, dramatic, or a man stealer. They typically hang around members of the opposite sex looking for handouts or sex. If you notice that the potential is surrounded by people who look like biddies... RUN. Why? Because it means either one of two things, one, if they mean nothing to him, then he's literally a biddie chaser, or two if they're his closest friends, you should be prepared to become acquainted and hang out with said biddies. Your choice, but I highly don't recommend pursuing.
6, The person who looks 12 but it says 18.
Odds are if this person looks 12, and picked the just legal age of consent... They're 12 and are just trying to attract older prey. Stay away unless you want a potential law suit and some jail time. :/
7, The guy/girl, who holds up their collar to prove that they can pop it.
come on... really?
8, The person sitting on a throne.
Every girl deserves to be treated like a princess. That doesn't mean that they have to demand it. Same goes for guys. If anyone is sitting on a throne in their photo, they're essentially saying if you don't adore me like a peasant and treat me like the royalty I am, then you're going to feel my ruling rath!
9, If they have more than one picture where they appear to be imbibing alcohol... no
Why, you ask, should you hit next, when coming across this person? Easy. If they're that obsessed with alcohol, they're either an alcoholic or a social alcoholic. If they couldn't find pictures of themselves not partaking of the sauce, or they're using the pictures to show how much fun they are, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the only fun they have is drinking. This limits other fun activities, which don't involve hangovers or drunken revelry.
10, If they're making more love to the camera than they should... i.e. They're lecherously staring into your soul via the internet.
These people want one thing. I'll let you imagine what it is. But you're thinking, so do I! People who look lecherously into a camera don't care that the camera isn't real, they're also not going to care about whether or not you say no means no.
11. If they're making out with an old hiking boot (I WISH I WAS MAKING THIS UP).
If the object of the profile has photos where they're making out with inanimate objects and it's actually, not, funny, i.e. hiking boot. It's time to move on. If they're 'making out' with things that are funny, see sting ray, statue, or a mascot, then you can judge based on how funny you intimate the photo is.
12. Model Shots.
You know exactly what I'm talking about. It looks like the same setting, the same lighting, and boy do they look too good to be true. Odds are, either this person is a model (go for it) or this person found an attractive person via an internet search and used those pictures as their own... If you want to see whether or not this person really looks like the person they have represented themselves to be, ask for a casual shot of them... outside of the workplace.
After I've completely berated nearly everyone using internet dating... I'm going to be real. There are people out there using the internet to find real relationships, who aren't full of bull, and who aren't going to screw you over. The problem is trying to find these people is like searching for a pearl in a sea full of oysters, we know they're out there, but it's just difficult. I'm not saying it's not possible, because my brother found his girlfriend via the world wide web, and she's absolutely a sweet heart.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
What this blog could get me...
Did you know that? Apparently, blogs are a great way to show writing samples and allow employers to show how dependable you can be.
After a quick rundown of my blog content, I realized plunking down a post on the desk of one of my potential employers in the television and film industry, might not be the best idea.
So I thought I would explore my options and tell my readers about the jobs I could get as a result of this blog.
1. Relationship Counselor
2. Match.com/Eharmony/etc... employee
4. Relationship Blog/Columnist for Glamour.com
You might question bartender, but when a bar is quiet, and the regular patrons are shuffling in (think cheers), how many times did Sam have to give relationship advice to the patrons? Exactly, I see this working out in the long run.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I'm Sorry, Too Busy
Those are the noises of globalization.
The world as we know it is getting smaller and smaller.
I can sit on Skype and video chat with every friend I've ever wanted to.
I can send 20 separate texts a minute.
I can call all corners of the world... if they understand my broken Spanish or languid English.
But for some odd reason, amidst all this communication. People seem to still be too busy to be there when you need them or to be there when you're dating them or to be there in general.
I know my girls and my guys have run into this exact problem. You're dating someone, it's going good, and then summer is over, or they get a job, or they join an intensive daily kickball team. They'll swear to you up and down, yes I like you, but I'm just too busy to talk/call/text.
I'm going to be real with you. This is BULLSHIT.
I've heard the Doctorate excuse, the Grad Excuse, and the work excuse all before. I've heard it. I get it. You have way too many excuses for why you can't send a text, or you can't send a message. That's fine, but what you people out there using these excuses seem to forget something.
We're all busy.
For some odd reason for the past 15 years of my life I decided to throw myself into every extracurricular, academic achievement, and opportunity that arose. I've taken 4 grad classes in a semester on top of an internship, a job, painting and photography classes, and on top of that, running around in a mascot uniform once a week for four hours, and for some odd reason I was also able to find the time every single day to not only eat and sleep, but to also talk to my friends and family. I might not get to every single friend/family in one day, but in a week or two, I'll talk to every one in my life that matters. Through text, email, Facebook, or phone calls.
When you run into these people, who are just too busy... RUN don't walk. One day they'll become un-busy, but if you stand around and wait for them, one... you look desperate; two... you could wait years; three... you will have missed out on possible relationships or quality friendships with the people around you.
If they are actually interested in you. They make an effort, whether it be, a "Hey I'm thinking about you' text or an email sent from them as soon as they get done with their commute, or a five minute phone call during a study break.
If they're not interested... you'll be getting that busy excuse a lot.
BUT to those of you out there, who are just TOO BUSY to find out how the girl/guy you like is doing, and you actually DO like them, stop d@cking around.
When all it takes is a 5 second text, to see how someone is doing, and you've represented your feelings as those of caring towards someone, and you avoid/"forget" to text, you actually just might be a HORRIBLE person.
Now if you've moved on that's one thing, but if that's the case... you need to tell them. Again, Slow Fading or Avoiding people because you don't like confrontation, is just obnoxious.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
This is the answer to your problems. The Cure for your love illnesses.
1. Paranoid Lovamania - As you stand in the check out line, determined that the guy in front of you is madly in love with you, imagine that he has a wife, a kid, or a girlfriend whom he's going home to right this minute. Imagine their very very happy life together and then realize, you play no part.
As someone passes by you staring uncontrollably, with what you are sure is lust, look down at your clothing, odds are, you have a stain, something's unbuttoned, or you have chocolate on your face.
Begin to realize and accept that people are making eye contact with you, because it's the courteous and right thing to do. Accept that people out there in the world, aside from just those raised in Texas, can and do make eye contact as a sign of respect, not because they're looking for a way into your affections.
2. Charmavirus - Maintain a safe distance to your friends when talking to these charming people. If something seems clichéd then it probably is, don't fall for the tricks in their book, realize that they are playing you in a game of poker you can't afford to lose. Find flaws. Find them quick or you might wind up flat on your back in a flat somewhere in the North East part of DC with no way of getting home.
3. LTRitis - The next time you escape from the holds of a Long Term Relationship. Make it a personal goal of yours to date a certain amount of people, before you consider becoming serious again. If one of these people you date seems to have potential, continue to date them, but also continue to date others until your sure that this is the one you want to spend the next 3 years of your life with.
4. Analyticologist - Stop. Run by the exact actions or words of the crush with someone of the opposite sex or someone whom you know to be very very blunt. Odds are, their actions and words are meant in the exact way they were said or done, without any other thought behind them. Your shoes are fine, they don't hate you and while they might want you, they're probs not going to just walk up to you in broad daylight and say so.
5. Daterphrenia - Being excessively guilty of this illness myself, I personally think nothing is wrong with daterphrenia within reason, ie you realize that they're fake relationships, but if you seem to only be living relationships out through your head and not living them in person, then you might need to broaden your horizons and actually go on a date. While your 3 year relationship with Angelina Jolie seems perfect, unless you're Brad Pitt, it's imaginary and you need to seek a healthy outlet for your love, versus only imagining that you're in a relationship.
6. Handteria - I just really don't want to talk about how to fix this. I'm no Christine O'Donnell, but this is a compulsion that is far beyond me explaining how to deal with it, especially if you have a legit problem with it.
7. Hate Pox - Step back, think of all the people that actually love you. Your friends, family, or pets, and realize that you are a person who has love coming at you from every direction, the odds of your crush actually hating you, unless you've shot and killed their dog or ran over their foot, is very unlikely. Just accept that they have yet to have a sufficient amount of time to get to know you and appreciate you as much as you appreciate them. Maybe in the future they might hate you for some unknown reason, but believing that they hate you without warrant is ill-imagined.
8. Burly Fever - You have the need to feel protected. If you think that this is detrimental to your life, then take self defense classes and learn how to protect yourself, otherwise, accept that burly men are just white knights looking for a damsel in distress, and you just happen to need saving.
9. Shotgun Disorder - If you have to get pregnant to keep a guy. Odds are he isn't worth keeping in the first place or maybe you need to reevaluate your current situation and figure out why he desires to leave you. This could include talking to a counselor, or sitting down one on one with your significant other.
10. Jerk Syndrome - If he seems like a jerk, then don't date him. If he starts to blow you off, he's a jerk. If he hits you, he's a jerk. If he kicks little puppies, he's a jerk. If he complains about how horrible your cooking is, he's jerk. If he starts sleeping with someone else, he's a jerk. Dating him, is only going to hurt you. Find a nice guy, and date him instead.
11. Extalgia - There was a reason the two of you separated. Relive that reason. If extalgia still occurs, relive the pain, anger and frustration which occurred with the break up. It's painful. It sucks, and there is no reason you should have to relive that. Yes, you had many a happy time, but the pain isn't worth attempting again for a few brief moments of happiness amidst it.
12. Intoxapareunia - If you seem to only have intercourse with people while drunk. You probably have a problem. The way to cure this is to simply, not become inebriated. If you are at a party and feel yourself beginning to become tipsy, then you might want to start drinking water. Another way to avoid intoxication is to space out your drinking while also drinking water. And while you're thinking, but that doesn't sound like any fun, remember how much fun it was to wake up next to Victor the Janitor or Sally the Stripper yesterday, and maybe you'll think more positive about sobriety.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
It's Better to Know
She had been fretting over the right texts, the right clothes, the right parties to attend, and she had given a pretty solid go at it.
However, during her supposed-to-be-perfect-date, she discovered, much to her chagrin, that he was moderately to horribly not perfect. I'm not going to go into his flaws, because, that's not my story to tell, but what is my story, however, is this ideal of the perfection for which we strive so hard, crashing down around us.
I'll admit, I've asked friends to check texts, and I've asked them, wait... should I be posting this? And I've asked for help in outfit choices, because, if I'm going to look like an ice skater on a second date, I better look like a damn hot one.
But amidst all this worry and fretting, a part of us, becomes lost.
Imagine a world where you just said what you thought, straight out of your head, you didn't second and third guess every little thing, and you sure as poop didn't buy 4 different kinds of stockings to try out for your perfect date. (cough).
This is the world of you. Yourself. Nothing more, nothing less. Imagine a date where you didn't have to try to be perfect, and you weren't worried about whether or not your hair was out of place, because the person on the date with you, doesn't care. They want to be there with you because they enjoy you, for you. I know it's a hard thought to process, but somewhere in the world, right now, is a person, who will laugh at your worst jokes, who will know that you like silence, and who will know not to fill the silence with uncomfortable chit chatter. Who does all the right things at all the right times, and at times says the exact same thing you say at the exact same time you say it, and it's not annoying, it's cute.
Now imagine that's your perfect.
Isn't it better, to ask someone out, and find out if they're your perfect? Versus, sitting on the sidelines and waiting to see if they MIGHT be your perfect? People today hide behind their shyness. I do. My friends do, but we shouldn't have to worry whether or not the cutie in chem or the hottie on the metro likes us as much as we're heads over heels for them, instead, we need to take the initiative, like my friend from the beginning of this post and Ask. Them. Out. You don't have to ask them on a 5 course dinner, you can ask them to coffee, or the boardwalk, or Annapolis, or something fun, where even if the date turns out to be the worst experience of your life, you still had the opportunity to have fun.
Because, in truth, isn't it better to know that Hottie McGorgeous is 2 fries short of a happy meal, rather than spend the next 2 years pining after him, only to figure out at that time that he moved and forgot the furniture (i.e. the wheel's still turning but the hamster is dead). Or find out that he has some other flaw yet unknown.
The key is, you could buck up now and take the chance, or take 2 years to build up the courage only to realize that your ideal person, is horribly non-ideal. Because isn't it better to know, now?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Are you confused, because I am
Odds are if you're playing the field... you're level of comprehension over who's on first is out the window.
In fact, you have no idea which guy said what and which girl does what.
So you could be asking yourself, Rose!? If I'm dating multiple people, how do I keep them all straight.
Step one, don't date people that look alike. This is a major faux-pa. Why? Because If JC is just a bigger version of Samson, then you're going to become confused, extremely confused. If your friends are telling you, wow, doesn't he look like that other guy you're dating, Dave, then you probably shouldn't mix the two at the same time. Wait till you're done with Dave and then move on to Smith. BECAUSE, and this is the biggest because of all. Consider the following statement the Holy Grail of multiples dating: IF YOUR FRIENDS THINK THAT THEY LOOK SIMILAR; THEY'RE GOING TO CALL SMITH BY SAMSONS' NAME AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME.
Imagine this: You're sitting, snuggled up on the couch with Gina and all of the sudden your roommate walks in... You're also dating ruth and betty, but Gina doesn't know. Why does she need to. Then it happens. Roommate looks down at you, Hey Roomie, oh hey Betty, good to see you again!
Gina sits up... and is now confrontational. You now have a pissed off girl on your couch and odds are, you're going to get slapped.
Step two, write down, everything you remember about the girl after you have your date, unless you have the memory of a God.
I once had a professor, probably one of the most friendly professors I had, and he would tell the class that the reason he was so good at networking and building up trust and relationships with thousands of people was because he had files on them all. Now I'm not saying that you should start a filing cabinet, or keep your notes in a place easily found by girls/boys you're dating, but what I am saying is that it might be beneficial for you to write down your thoughts and facts about the girl so that you can brush up on who she is before the date. Because no one likes to be told they like to ice skate, knit, and sew when they actually would love to surf, snowboard or sky dive.
Step three, if you still are having trouble telling Steve from Peter and Sally from Sam, then here's my last piece of advice. Stop dating so many people. No, but really. If you're literally dating 3 or 4 different girls every week, then to be perfectly honest you need to consider what's wrong with you. Why do you have such a high turn-over? Maybe you're crass, maybe you're an ass (if you're dating this many peeps, you probs are). You should probably limit your dating quotas to something more managable so that you're giving a fighting chance to the girls/guys you're dating. No one can live up to perfect expectations, and by you expecting them to, you're only hurting yourself.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
No Follow Through
Cut and Run
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Where'd ya meet... well... uh... um?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Do you have a Fever?
1. Paranoid Lovamania - The uncontrollable belief that EVERYONE, is in love with you. The man at the bar. The girl on the bus. The dog peeing on the hydrant.
Sufferers complain of feeling like everyone is looking at them lecherously.
2. Charmavirus - A horrid virus where the sufferer becomes infected with the charms of those around them. They're easily susceptible to bad pick-up lines, winking, and offers to buy them ponies.
3. LTRitis - Long Term Relationshipitis is an infectious disease, whose symptoms include the need to be in multiple long term relationships, back to back, without exploring what else is out there.
4. Analyticologist - The Study of Analyzing what happened to you five minutes ago. An Analyticologist is in the business of overanalyzing every word, every gesture, and every thought regarding their potential/significant other. They constantly are pondering the third and fourth meaning of every statement.
i.e., Actual Statement: "Hi!"
Double Meaning, "I want you."
Third Meaning, "I hate you."
Fourth meaning, "Those shoes do not go with those socks, but if you'll come a bit closer I can forget about it.... for just one night."
5. Daterphrenia - Someone who frenziedly dates everyone in sight, within their own mind. They consistently turn people down, because they can never surpass the relationships they've already had, mentally, with George Clooney, Angelina Jolie, or Lil' Wayne.
6. Handteria - "-teria" is the suffix for an establishment that is self service... Handteria therefor means that you need to figure this one out for yourself.
7. Hate Pox - A rash of ill-contemplated/judged decisions about whether or not a person likes you. Usually makes the sufferer believe unsupported that their crush/significant other actually hates them, no matter what anyone else tells them.
8. Burly Fever - An elevated desire, well above the normal range, towards people who are burly.
Symptoms include searching for the largest, though slightly muscled person in a room and seeking out their companionship.
9. Shotgun Disorder - A need so intense that when it occurs, the sufferer believes that in order to maintain their current relationship, they need to produce a pregnancy.
10. Jerk Syndrome - essentially a long string of relationships with jerks, even though one knows that in the end, they'll be left empty handed, frustrated, and broken-hearted.
11. Extalgia - The constant reminisces about how great your ex is in comparison to the person you are currently seeing. Sufferers might also find that they incur extalgia when single as they pine for their past love life.
12. Intoxapareunia - The well documented need for intercourse while one is drunk. This is not a one time occurrence. People who contract intoxapareunia constantly seek out people in bars, clubs, pool halls, and proms while thoroughly intoxicated in order to engage in sexual activities.
While current medicines cannot properly alleviate the above diseases, knowing what you've contracted is the first step in recovery.
However, in our next post, we will address possible holistic medical procedures to alleviate your concerns.
Monday, October 4, 2010
The New Phase
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Mixed Take 2