Sunday, October 10, 2010

Do you have a Fever?

I might not be Dr. Laura, but I have noticed an upsurge in the illnesses associated with love. Feverish with love is no longer an expression, my loyal readers. NO. In fact, you might find yourself burdened with some of the diseases on my list.

1. Paranoid Lovamania - The uncontrollable belief that EVERYONE, is in love with you. The man at the bar. The girl on the bus. The dog peeing on the hydrant.

Sufferers complain of feeling like everyone is looking at them lecherously.

2. Charmavirus - A horrid virus where the sufferer becomes infected with the charms of those around them. They're easily susceptible to bad pick-up lines, winking, and offers to buy them ponies.

3. LTRitis - Long Term Relationshipitis is an infectious disease, whose symptoms include the need to be in multiple long term relationships, back to back, without exploring what else is out there.

4. Analyticologist - The Study of Analyzing what happened to you five minutes ago. An Analyticologist is in the business of overanalyzing every word, every gesture, and every thought regarding their potential/significant other. They constantly are pondering the third and fourth meaning of every statement.

i.e., Actual Statement: "Hi!"

Double Meaning, "I want you."

Third Meaning, "I hate you."

Fourth meaning, "Those shoes do not go with those socks, but if you'll come a bit closer I can forget about it.... for just one night."

5. Daterphrenia - Someone who frenziedly dates everyone in sight, within their own mind. They consistently turn people down, because they can never surpass the relationships they've already had, mentally, with George Clooney, Angelina Jolie, or Lil' Wayne.

6. Handteria - "-teria" is the suffix for an establishment that is self service... Handteria therefor means that you need to figure this one out for yourself.

7. Hate Pox - A rash of ill-contemplated/judged decisions about whether or not a person likes you. Usually makes the sufferer believe unsupported that their crush/significant other actually hates them, no matter what anyone else tells them.

8. Burly Fever - An elevated desire, well above the normal range, towards people who are burly.

Symptoms include searching for the largest, though slightly muscled person in a room and seeking out their companionship.

9. Shotgun Disorder - A need so intense that when it occurs, the sufferer believes that in order to maintain their current relationship, they need to produce a pregnancy.

10. Jerk Syndrome - essentially a long string of relationships with jerks, even though one knows that in the end, they'll be left empty handed, frustrated, and broken-hearted.

11. Extalgia - The constant reminisces about how great your ex is in comparison to the person you are currently seeing. Sufferers might also find that they incur extalgia when single as they pine for their past love life.

12. Intoxapareunia - The well documented need for intercourse while one is drunk. This is not a one time occurrence. People who contract intoxapareunia constantly seek out people in bars, clubs, pool halls, and proms while thoroughly intoxicated in order to engage in sexual activities.

While current medicines cannot properly alleviate the above diseases, knowing what you've contracted is the first step in recovery.

However, in our next post, we will address possible holistic medical procedures to alleviate your concerns.

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