Tuesday, October 30, 2012

New Blog - District of Y'allumbia

Hey everyone,

So after a lot of hemming and hawing on my end, I've decided to write a post about my new blogging experience, called...

District of Y'allumbia

What is the District of Y'allumbia you ask? It's a blog I've been trying to get off the ground for about... 6 months. I've been struggling to write posts, but I'm officially going to get my butt in gear.

So - if you'd like to traverse over to my new blog and see what you think, the web addy is, www.yallumbia.com

What's Y'allumbia, you ask?

It's a blog about a Texan coping in the District... That'd be me... the Texan... learning how to adjust to real life... in the District of Columbia...

Get it...


Yeah... I think I'm funny, what of it?!

So come on over when you get a chance, www.yallumbia.com

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Posts? What Posts?

Uh... sorry guys...

So I should have been writing posts about the toils and trials of being single... but I can't... cause I'm not, and one thing I know more than anything else, is that you should write about what you know. SO, should my foot hit the dating pond again, you can consider this a promise that I'll be back over here in a heart beat.

But to the point of this post - After much debate, I've decided to launch a new blog, which will still contain my constant witticisms on life, and my somewhat cynical critiques on the dating world... just not over here... because I enacted a fatal flaw when I created this blog... I kept the name - too narrow. So I shant make that mistake again.

Please, stay tuned for more exciting information in the coming weeks.

Any Questions? Oh... yes you... the heavy breather, in the corner...

Yes I need time to come up with a name. So, in the mean time you can still follow me on twitter, like always @SingleDC.

"Will your twitter name change?"
You know I've thought about this... and I can't tell you for sure... I'm thinking, no, because it's short and sweet, and damnit I like it.

"Why are you not on the market anymore?! I wanted to date you!"
Let's be real, you probably did. Since I dated EVERYONE.

"What are some potential names for your new blog?"
Uh... I'm not telling you. I don't want you to steal them.

"What kind of stuff is going to be on your new blog?"
Uh... I'm thinking lifestyle/bad-cooking advice/stories about playing kickball, dodgeball, and bocce ball in the district/rants on the fate of DC if Rumors closes/Stories about going to Rumors/Stories about that one time I walked by Rumors during the day and it was closed/Stories about me peering through the window at Rumors to see if people are dancing during lunch time... you know... my life.

In fact, I thought about the new name, Rumors Addict, but I decided that sent the wrong message... or the right one, you pick.

But any way...
I'll keep you posted!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Do You Want the Job - SinglesWarehouse

So I know I've been pretty lackluster on my posts of late. I get it. I could offer you some excuse about how it's been a hectic year, and how all I want to do now when I get home is eat a friggin' cookie-in-a-cup and 'take two and call you in the morning.'

But I wont.

I'll just alude to the fact that I'm very busy. Ok... not alude, but come right out and say it... "I'M CRAZY BUSY." 

So this, my most favorite part of my week, has gotten pushed to the wayside, but while I didn't manage to get a post up here on Monday... I did get a post up over at SinglesWarehouse - Check it Out!

I could say that I promise I'm going to be better, but the truth is... I can't promise that. I can promise that I'm going to try and work out my schedule so that I get more time to write for all you lovely people. 

In the meantime, expect some .GIFS. 

What I Say When My Date Says, "So Tell Me About Yourself."

Friday, May 18, 2012

My Life in Animated Gifs

When I Walk Into Rumors 

When My Friends Tell Me I Can't Order Pizza

When My Friends Ask Me Why I Need Dating Advice

When My Friend B1 Cock Blocks Me

When I Can't Find My Cell Phone

When I Find Out The Restaurant Serves Chicken and Waffles for Brunch

When Someone Texts Me Before 9 on the Weekend

When Someone Says They're Not Going to Pay the $5 Cover Charge to Get Into Rumors

What Happens When I Cook for Guys I Like

When I Find Out Someone is From Texas

When My Friends Suggest We Metro to the Bars

When Someone Asks If I Want to Go for a Run

When an Ex Shows Up at Rumors

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

New Chapters

Almost exactly 2 years ago, I graduated from college and pulled on my big girl britches, determined to find a job working at the Travel Channel.

I had an interview, met lots of people, and then I never heard back...

I sent in more resumes, and never heard back... The Travel Channel just didn't want me.

I'll admit that I was devastated. I graduated Magna Cum Laude, Damnit!

It was my perfect company, and I had been so close I could taste the grease drippings off Adam Richman's plate only to be shut down in the final seconds of the challenge, but I soldiered through... I applied to job after job after job (350 within the first 4 months) with company after company.

Finally I landed an interview with Princess Cruise Lines, and they wanted me!

For $2000 a month LESS than I was worth (seriously next time you go on a cruise tip your waiter more than you should - they really make SPIT). I debated it for a split-second, before I got notice that my grandmother was starting to see the other side. So I turned down the position because, (1) they offered me less than minimum wage and (2) if I accepted their offer, I wouldn't be allowed to come home for the funeral.

Sure enough, a month later I was flying home.

After the funeral, I interviewed with Royal Caribbean, but their unprofessionalism in the hiring process actually pissed me off, and was - in my opinion - highly sketchy. So I dropped out of the final round and figured, I'll get something else.

I'll save you the long sob story to essentially tell you that for the past two years, I have been an "independent contractor," which is job speak for 'I don't want to pay to actually hire you, but I need you. So here I'll pay you about what you're worth but no benefits for you.'

It didn't really bother me all that much... I had what I needed. I could get all the necessities and saved some on the side, but I never really had job security, which in my opinion led to a lot of awkward first date conversations, which led to awkward dating interactions, which led to unstable dating environment, which is probably one of the main reasons I have stayed single for SO LONG. You try dating without job security, and tell me how long ambitious guys stick around. (Seriously the Shun Test).

I'm a member of the boomerang generation, and I was not proud of it. I wanted to assert my independence, pay my bills, buy a car, buy a house, love my own little adorable Shiba Inu puppy, and get on with my fucking life.

Adorable, Right?
But fate had other plans. Instead of moving on with my life, I was instead thrust in the unfortunate lifestyle of never knowing what month in DC would be my last. Would this be the month I couldn't make it? Would this be the month my mom would have to fly up to DC and shove all my stuff in a U-haul? Would this be the month I'd boomerang back to the nest?

But somehow every time I would start packing my boxes, I'd luck out.

I'd get a paid internship or land a job doing x,y and z. And that would keep me in DC for a few months longer... and those months turned into months and months and months. 

But they were always unsure, unstable, and unsatisfying. 

I wasn't getting to do what I had dreamed of my entire life. I wasn't getting a house, or a steady pay-check, or an adorable Shiba Inu puppy. 

I'd call her Nymeria
And after the year I've had so far, I think I actually know why.

In February my final project with my old company was winding down, when I got a phone call from my mother...  

My father had a "cardiac-episode," one day after my then-boss's mother had her own medical emergency.

Had I been working anywhere else, my boss wouldn't have understood, and I wouldn't have had the opportunity to drop everything and fly home to support my mother for the next few weeks. 

If Princess Cruise Lines had offered me $1000 more than they had, I probably would have taken it and been on a boat. If Travel would have offered me a job, I probably wouldn't have had enough time accrued to earn those weeks off. If Royal Caribbean hadn't dipped their toe in the sketch waters, I'd have been on a boat. 

Essentially without my Independent Contracting lifestyle, I would have had to sit in DC driving myself crazy and buying out all the local CVS' supplies of Puffs Plus with Lotion (because seriously I don't know how you savages can use regular Kleenexes), while annoying my mother/brother/cousins/uncles/aunts to no end trying to get updates. 

I'm about to be one of those HORRIBLY cliche individuals, because a week or so after I got back, I landed an extended contract gig that made up for the two weeks off, and within a month of getting back I was in the interview process of landing a job at my dream company in DC. 

And here's the cliche... life has a plan. You're meant to be where you are, whether you understand it or not. 

So while I didn't get started right away on my big life plans of my own house, a new car, a steady pay-check, and adopting a beautiful Shiba Inu, I did get the opportunity to support the two people who have supported me so much over the last 24 years.

This one is just because I can...

I know my mom probably didn't need me there every hour hovering in the hospital because she worked in cardiac rehab for quite a few years, but I know she appreciated not having to run errands around town (she rather enjoyed cracking the whip and sitting back as I did them), while her husband and my father recovered from surgery, so that she could be there for him (because he's not a good sick-person - seriously, try giving him a regular Puffs tissue and be ready to hear a 3 hour lecture on the benefits of Puffs Plus). 

And while I'm excited to start this new chapter in my life, I'm not going to forget that the past two years have been a really fucking lame time of constantly writing resumes and sending them out into the world. I know how I got here. I know how much work it took and how much "coming out of my shell" had to happen so that I could network to where I am. And I know that I can be damn proud of myself.

So here's to me and to all the new graduates out there who are just starting their search. I'm not going to lie to you. Job searching sucks balls. Contrary to popular belief a degree does not guarantee you a job nowadays because so many people are getting them in today's society, but you've made it this far, so I know that you can make it the rest of the way. 

Chin up. You'll be fine. 

So now that I've reached this pivotal stage in my life... I'll work on the next one... house, car, and my own Shiba Inu. 

Seriously, starting up a Shiba Saving's Account

Monday, May 7, 2012

Multiples Schmultiples

So last week as my kickball team was dominating the flip cup table, I took a break from my championship-flip-cup-survivor win and leaned on the bar while sending out text messages to all the cool kids. 

Before too long, this girl kicked up a conversation with me about who we were/where we're from (all the normal DC stuff - You've seen the video... ).

But like all conversations involving two girls in DC, it slowly veered into the direction of menfolk. Now my kickball league is rife with attractive looking men, so she started pointing out the ones she thought were attractive, and I politely nodded and agreed (though her taste teetered towards more effeminate men). 

But then 

She was like, "Ok, who do you think is cute?" 
"Meh, that guy's ok... and I guess him..."
"You're not really into picking out guys for yourself are you?" 
"Meh, I'm dating someone, and I just don't date multiples anymore." 
"What? Girl, you're young! You should be partying while the iron is hot! Why shove all your eggs in one basket?" 

And aside from her rampant use of cliches I understood what she was saying, but as the months and years have gone by, and I've read more and more blogs about the benefits of dating multiples (all of which I normally - totally agree with) I just don't think I can handle it anymore. 

I already have a shoddy memory and trying to remember intricate details is like trying to play concentration, but instead of turning over cards, I'm trying to remember the intimate details of a man's life... and fucking up, royally. 
"Oh, wait you didn't go to school in Virginia?" 
"No... Montana...."
"I could have swore.... wait didn't you use to fly fish in the Adirondacks?"
"I've never fished a day in my life, I hate worms..."
"SO you're not thinking about opening a fish hatch...."
And I don't even get to finish the sentence as he walks out the door. 

Yes, when I was free wheeling and thoroughly enjoying the single life, I enjoyed the shit out of dating a plethora of guys. In fact, dating multiple guys gives you the opportunity to get a liberal arts degree in the different facets of life, but more than likely as I met each new one... I just kept getting more and more disappointed... It was like picking dates out of a grab bag of boring unhappiness and mud puddles. SERIOUSLY. 

I feel like a part of me was dating the entirety of DC and coming up empty handed. The interesting ones were scum bags and the nice ones were boring as shit. Maybe I shouldn't say that, but it's the truth. Trying to find a nice, funny, interesting, cute guy in DC was like searching for one individual krill in the entirety of all bodies of water on the planet, and good luck to ya. 

It's my hypothesis that the reason people date multiple people is because they're not getting everything they need romantically from one person. 

Hear me out. 

Why would I need to date 5 guys instead of just the right 1 guy?

If my one guy is funny, adventurous, energetic, exciting, romantic, tender, caring, and handsome... why would I be looking for someone else?
I wouldn't. Any sane individual would realize that the one guy is amazing, and they'd more than likely stick it out with him, because if you're dating someone amazing anyone else you try to find to compare is going to fall short and just lead to constant complications.... 


As opposed to dating 5 different guys because Guy 1 is handsome and sexy, but he's not very loyal and kind of a scum. Guy 2, is hilarious and has a great personality, but he's missing something... Guy 3 could be highly intelligent and hit all of the right attractive buttons, but his dry sense of humor leaves something to be desired. Guy 4, could be a bag of dull rocks, but he plans the most exciting dates, while Guy 5 could just hit all your pheromone buttons, but you have nothing to talk about. 

In my opinion, if you've found someone who empowers you to be a better you and who interests you on the 6 levels of dating attraction (humor, intelligence, food similarities, physical, emotional, and goal orientation) then you wont want to date anyone else, because they're checking off all your boxes and making it into your primary spot. 

Yes, I think that in your early dating life (late teens thru mid twenties), when you're trying to find yourself and find out what you're attracted to, then dating multiples is great, but after a certain point in time it just becomes a bit immature and more an avoidance tactic than a mating tactic. 

Sure sometimes it's difficult to find guys in DC that actually stick around for more than a year or two, because we're so transient, but eventually when you do find someone here, if you mess it up by waisting time proving how forward thinking you are by dating 5 different people at the same time, then you seriously risk the chance of not exploring everything that one awesome person has because they think you're not serious about dating for something more (versus dating just for fun). 

Why risk it? 

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The What-ifs

It took some begging and pleading, but I finally got this posted courtesy of the nice people over at SinglesWarehouse.

You know all those little doubts that pop-up when you start something new and exciting? I don't have the answer for how to make them stop, but I do have a method to quell that annoying little voice in your head asking you all those "What-Ifs." Check it out

Thursday, April 26, 2012


OK, sooooo I have a confession to make... I love football. Whoosh, I said it. I'm also newly obsessed with the draft. Yes, I've watched in years past, but this year - I even went so far to get updates of every first round pick sent to my phone...

You know why RG3 is awesome? He played college ball in Texas.

Yeah, shut up. I get it. That's weird.

My team (SAINTS!) doesn't even get a pick till the third round, so I've been trying to get excited by who the Eagles chose - Cox, yeah? Yeah?

With that said, I apologize for the absence of posts this week on this lovely blog here, however if you'd like to read my blog post over on SinglesWarehouse, here's the link!

It's a great post about "The Crawl," aka what us ladies do to make sure you menfolk are still attracted to us in the morning.

And if you missed last week's SinglesWarehouse post about purging your little black book, check it out here! 

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Body Type... Own It

So after seriously considering for the better part of a week that I was going to draw out female body types, similar to what I did for the menfolk, I realized that if some girl drew a big circle and told me that that circle represented me as a female - I'd be kind of insulted.

Pssh. Have you met me? I'd start a fucking coup.

I also got tired of Draw Something and so instead decided that since I characterize my body shape as that of Sara Ramirez... that maybe I should do just that.

You look confused.

Don't worry. I'm still doing the "Body Type" for females thing, but instead of drawing, because lets be real, those drawings sucked - I'm doing it with pictures of gorgeous fucking women - because they really come in all shapes and sizes.

Let's start with Average.

I can hear your first question already... What's average anyway. You might look around your friend group and automatically assume that most of the people that you hang out with are "average." Well that's not the actual average.

According to some study - somewhere (I read a shit ton of things in a given week - I forget where I read this), the average size for a female is a size 12...

Average is as Average does, so accordingly, I give you...

Sara Ramirez
Tony Award Winning Actress

Doesn't she look beautiful (I have a girl crush OK?!).

That's right, I am totally average in body shape. Woo! And if you look like this then you too are Average in body shape.

Personally, I wish I could lie to you and say that I am an 8, but the truth of the matter is the pair of pants I bought out with Sam this past weekend were a 12... most of the time I'm a 8/10 in dresses because they're forgiving of that damn Douthey Butt I got handed down from my Mother's side of the family, but I digress...

I assume that this is average not only because it's my shape/size, but because it is the traditional hourglass figure bumped up a few notches, aka adjusted for the growing size of America's women. And whether you want to admit it or not... women are built like that for a reason.

And off we go!

Next Overweight Vs- Skinny

Gabourey Sidibe

Keira Knightley
Both of these Academy Award Nominated Actresses unfortunately fall on either extreme ends of the spectrum. Gabby is overweight, we all know it. And Keira, well the plain fact is that her head is actually larger than her waist... She looks like a bobble head. She's too fucking skinny. I was going to put a picture of Kate Moss up here, but I couldn't do it, she looked like a pipe cleaner.

Like I said in the male version of this post... Skinny is NOT an aspirational Category... And unless you have dreams to become the world's largest woman, neither is being overweight. 

And  now for Curvy vs Thin

Sofia Vergara

Emma Stone
The difference between the male curvy and the female curvy? Sex appeal. You look at a girl's curvy and think... DAMN!

Like Sofia Vergara, ie, think the "perfect dimensions" of the hourglass silhouette and go with that.

Now as for Emma Stone's thinner body type you notice the fact that yes... it appears that she has no body fat, but she still has a little shape to her. Get the picture?!?!?

Since I have NO knowledge of jacked female celebrities, I jumped off the beaten path. I have no idea who these women are, but I know they match the body type, they're cute, and they're going to have to make do.

We have Jacked, Fit, and Athletic.

You'll notice the differences right away, if you're clever. Jacked has intense muscle definition.
Fit looks like she spends a lot of time hitting the gym and doing some serious crunches - She looks like she knows what she's doing.
And last but not least, Athletic - Notice that she does have some muscle definition, but that she still seems to have the familiar female shape, as opposed to the lovely ladies up top who have the block body build, typical of someone who has increased testosterone from working out all the time.

And then the last two body types that I'm acknowledging (if you want to see "Used Up" look up Kate Moss or Lindsey Lohan, because seriously... gross).

A Little Extra vs Full-Bodied

Nikki Blonsky
Jennifer Hudson THEN
And to round everything out we have Jennifer Hudson over on the left. Notice the difference in between her and Nikki. Nikki's shape is closer to nudging overweight vs, Jennifer's who should she lose a few pounds (or a shit ton - healthily) she could start to nudge average (or blow past it) into curvy, since we've all seen what she looks like now. 

SO that wraps it up for body typing yourself on internet dating sites. If you haven't seen your body type on either of these posts, I really can't help you, because I think I've got a pretty good gamut going here. You can always shoot me an email or a tweet @SingleDC. 

Happy Dating! 

Monday, April 16, 2012

Purging Your Little Black Book

Another great post over on the SinglesWarehouse website.

This one is about how I purged my little black book and opened up my life into something so much more productive. CLICK HERE

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Body Type... It's Not an Aspirational Category

Welcome esteemed reader to Single in the District's blog post about how it's not O.k. to lie about your body type: Male Version. 

We all know by now that I am familiar with online dating. Big woo! 

But what you do not know is that my biggest pet peeve is someone not knowing what their body shape is, because I do not want to search for "full bodied" and see a pip-squeak. I don't like it. It messes up my hours spent perusing the men folk, as I'm sure it has yours. 

So in honor of my newly acquired passion for draw something, I thought I'd draw something that we're going to call a "guideline" for your body shape and exactly what you should be checking on your profile. 

Let's start with your run of the mill AVERAGE MAN. 

This is what women think of when they think Average Man. They think, "plain - run of the mill." I see this picture and think meh, it's like how I imagine Bill Murray is shaped like.

Next we have in a great juxtaposition is OVERWEIGHT and SKINNY. 

Skinny is NOT thin. Skinny is what I think of when I think of a male version of Kate Moss. I don't know of any male version, but if you look up Kate Moss you'll get the drift. Overweight is Jim Belushi meets Norm from Cheers (I always bring it back). 

Next up the male version of CURVY vs. THIN. 

While Curvy may look similar to Overweight, to the trained eye they are very different. One looks like a pear the other looks like a watermelon. We got it? Thin is NOT skinny. To the untrained eye you would take a look at this lovely brown gentleman and think, "meh he's skinny," if you're comparing him to the curvalicious man on the left, BUT in comparison to Mr. Holocaust/Anorexia up above, this guy has a little meat on his bones. I'm going to be real with you, I think skinny is not something to aspire to - thin might be - if you're into that...  

Now for my favorite level of distinction, readers. What's the difference between JACKED, ATHLETIC, and FIT. 

 Well a lot of times that varies based on your determining factor of what makes an athlete. But if you truly think about the fact that athletes can come in every shape and size, it's truly based on the "ideal male shape." This shape shows the that this guy can build a house if need be - the TRIANGLE.

The Triangle shape forms the basis of Jacked, Fit, and Athletic. In my opinion - disagree if you'd like, but the basic triangle shape is that of this red-shirted sexy man down at the bottom. I'm going to call him Athletic because of the following reasons - Rugby players fit this shape, AFL players fit this shape, Construction workers, hay bailers, and men that spend a few hours in the gym a week can all maintain this shape. That doesn't mean that their "Fit," but that they have an "athletic build" to them.

In my opinion the difference between Fit and Jacked is muscle build. While a Fit man will have good muscle tone and you can see those little thing-a-ma-jigs by their pants' line, a Jacked man should make you reminisce about a time when Arnold Schwarzenegger spent more time competing in body building competitions and less time tanking his marriage.

And if I'm not mistaken that leaves me with just two more body types based on OKCupid's body type drop-down list.

 The two pieces of man meat down here are A LITTLE EXTRA and FULL BODIED. 
A Little Extra                            Full Bodied
Unfortunately for Mr. Full Bodied over there I suck at drawing full bodied men. But Mr. Loving the Lavender aka, Mr. A Little Extra is the body type of all beer drinkers everywhere. You can deny it all you want, but if you're starting to see a lil' bit of something hanging over your pants in the morning, you've officially hit the list of men who know a good pizza/beer combo when they see one. (I really can't say anything about this... I have an addiction people). 

And Mr. Full Bodied, well he probably let his gym membership lapse a few months/years in a row and doesn't really care. If you're trying to picture the ideal full bodied man, think Seth Rogen in Knocked Up. 

So there you have it... oh... you say there's one more... this mythical USED UP body type... What is it? Idk, I think it's a unicorn or a leprechaun with a pot of gold. 

Not really. I think it's probably best described as the body of a meth addict. I was going to post a picture and be all shocking and life-like in opposition to the cartoon draw somethings up there, but after digging around I got grossed out, so you'll just have to look it up yourself. 

So yeah, stay tuned, because next Thursday we'll be examining female body types and how we're all curvy and thin! Because seriously isn't that the only choice on there? ;)

Happy Dating!  

Monday, April 9, 2012

Slut List

Last week I joined the esteemed group of experts over at Singles Warehouse! I'm still doing the whole Monday/Thursday Blogs, but one every week will just be over on their blog!

So this week's post is The Slut List or how to quantitatively measure all that sexytime you've been having. 

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Off The Hunt

I'm done with prowling, trolling, getting dolled up, asking someone to take me out, asking someone if they're single, going out to bars with other intentions, clicking 2 stars on quickmatch, etc...

I'm done.

I'm done sitting around with people in relationships and listening to them spout off useless quotes about how, "you'll find him when you're not looking," "you should meet my friend Mike," or "I'm so lucky to have my boyfriend Barry." I'm going to say this right here and now, if you're one of those people in relationships that constantly spout this line of B.S. to your single friends, you sound like a fucking dick. The condescension is not appreciated. I'll meet him when I'm supposed to whether I'm looking or not. I do not want to meet your friend Mike. And I don't like your boyfriend Barry so... shut it!

You know what... take me out of the dating pool, right now, because I don't want to be one of those people. In fact, I'm just going to COMPLETELY jump off the bridge of well-adjusted 20-something and plummet right off into the mirth of spinsterhood, if I have to hear you people say one more damn thing about it.

I'm going to embrace the spinster lifestyle right now. I'm going to find me a pair of knitting needles, an unloveable kid to dote on, hooligans to yell at, and tomorrow, I'm going to start pining for some lost love who died or was taken away from me by my parents, who didn't understand our love. Granted none of that happened, but I've imagined up my lost lover, and he was a damn sexy man when we had our fake affair.

Now that I got all that off my chest...

Dating is like a job hunt. It's a full time job and when you write about it, it's a double full time job, and ladies and gentlemen. I'm taking a dating break. I deserve it!

I want to be chased for a change.
I want to feel free of OkCupid's many, many profiles, that are literally sitting there, waiting - hoping - longing for me to look at them.
I want to think about me for a chan... oh, wait. I already do that all the time.

The cycle of dating is constant and consistent. I've seen all my friends go through it, whether they admit it or not.

At some point in time you ended a relationship... you were (1)newly single.

You moped around for a little bit and then (2)jumped back into the dating pond. YOU WERE SO EXCITED. The possibilities were endless. You started dating some people, things were looking good, then it ended... you tried again... then it ended... you tried again... ended.

You stared looking around and realized (3) the possibilities were not endless - in fact, you start to feel exhausted, run down by dating. So instead you back off because constantly swimming in a pool for months and months and months at a time becomes overwhelming.

So you (4)jump out. You wander around for a while. Happy to hang out with just your friends and be one of the guys.

Then you start to want to have a guy... because they're nice and friendly and smell good and like scrabble... So you (5)get serious about dating and you jump back in. Swim around. Find the shark of your dreams and swim off into the sunset until the next ending, which could happen tomorrow or the next week or the next month, or year, or decade.

Unfortunately for me, lately I've had a bunch of sunsets lately without any promise of a sunrise and I'm tired.

Don't think that this means that I'm going to quit blogging. Haha, no. You're stuck with me. I don't plan on giving up blogging any time soon, because I have shit to say and for some odd reason you want to listen to me. For that I thank you!

If you're actually curious about what's going on in my dating life, I recently realized that I was holding myself back by constantly relying on the male neggers in my life to text me and then I would go running, but I was gaining nothing by my continued devotion to guys who weren't all that devoted to me, so I stopped.

I blocked numbers, deleted facebooks, and cut ties. Because you can't move forward while you've still got one foot in a bear trap.

The only downside is now I don't feel very loved... I don't mean that I'm not loved, because I know I am, but I used to get texts from my rotating "harem" (<--- I use that word lightly), at least 2/3 times a day. Now, I'm lucky if my mother texts me. I know it's for the best to move on and move forward, but am I seriously that un-fun to text?! God, please don't answer that.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

5 Tips to Better Flirting

We've all heard the typical flirting techniques - the hair twirl, the joyful laugh, the wink (I only know one man that can pull this off and still make me want to kiss him), the look into their eyes, a little flattery, etc... BUT! There are a few more tips (aka the under-utilized bits of flirting) that can take your typical flirts from "ow", to POW!

And yes I realize how cheesy that sounded.

You don't have to be the funniest person in the room to get a girl/guy interested in chatting you up. In fact, you don't even have to be the cutest person in the room. All you need to do is keep the following tips in your back pocket to pull out at a moment's notice.

1. Smile
This is by far the most important flirting tip I could ever give you. A well-timed smile will get you so far in your flirting life that even if you can't master any other technique, you'll still be well equipped to make it out there in the real world.

BUT there are different kinds of smiles that you need to remember so that you're not just making the same goofy face every five seconds.

(A) The Genuine Smile
            I'm not going to explain this one, because if you need an explanation on how to smile like a normal well-adjusted human being you shouldn't be flirting in the first place.

(B) The Coy Smile
            This is best employed when you first meet each other, or when the person you're flirting with gives you a compliment. It's typically employed with a slight head bob implying modesty and shyness. If you're not shy. PRETEND. No actually don't (I'm never going to suggest you be someone you're not), but if the person you're talking to does say something that makes you feel a little shy or a little humble, react accordingly.

(C) The Come Hither Smile
            I'm not one to brag, but this is my best smile, because a come hither smile that gets the desired results takes practice and dedication, and trust you me I have had some practice.

Like your first kiss, your come hither smile will give a lasting impression of who you are as a 'seductress' or 'seducer'... "If it is weak, she will think you are weak. And if it is comical she will think you are a clown... And as [you are] never weak and only rarely a clown, your first [come hither smile] must be all the things that you are" (thank you, Porthos - Disney's The Three Musketeers, 1993).

You can see a pretty good example at minute 2:35 of "Hungry Like the Wolf," if you can get past all of Duran Duran's bad acting...

(D) The Really? You, Really, Just Said That? Smile
              This smile is that smile you give them right after they've made the dumbest joke told in the history of the world. You know exactly what I'm talking about because we've all been there. We've all been in the midst of one of those stories where the ending is less than savory or the story is a bit too bizarre to be accurate, but you still want the potential to know that you can roll with the punches. So you smile. And then you probably give an eye roll. And then you say, "good story bro, tell it again," or "and then you found $5?"

(E) The You're Too Damn Cute Smile 
              As opposed to the smile above where you think something your potential said is bizarre, this smile shows how much you're into their stories because they're cute. You know what I'm talking about it's when a guy starts talking about how his puppy did the funniest thing, or when a girl starts talking about her passion for baking blueberry crumble.

It's a genuine, attracted smile that continues to convey interest, and most times it's associated with a hand touching their heart of grabbing for your hand. Do it. No matter how silly you think you look. Do it.

2. Touch Without Being Creepy
You all know exactly what I'm talking about. How many times have you been brushed by in a club and some creepster grabs your ass? How many times have you been chatting with a really cute potential and then all the sudden they "accidentally" boob graze. It's not cool, and it will get you nothing but grief and the black list.

If you're going to TOUCH somebody, you can touch them in two ways - physically and emotionally.

(A) Physically
                Physical touches when flirting should be limited to non-erogenous zones. Unless you've already progressed past flirting into more intimate encounters with said person. If you have not, then limit touches to acceptable spots - elbows, knees, mid-back, arms, hands, and in RARE circumstances their hair.

If you're touching anything else aside from playing footsies, you're entering chancy territory, because anything more than those places can be determined a bit too forward, and unless you know exactly what kind of potential you're talking to, it's best to just play it on the safe side.

(B) Emotionally
                If you can touch the heart strings of the person you're flirting with, then you've advanced past what most people can accomplish when flirting. It's one thing to touch a person physically but to touch someone's emotions, takes practice and care. It shows that you're someone they might want to keep around for awhile, so they're going to be MORE interested in continuing to flirt and chat with you, because they can see that you're a quality person.

I have no examples of this from my own life, because well... I'm not that good, but think of it like this... let's consider physical touch to be similar to TrueBlood and emotional touch to be similar to "The Notebook" or "Dear John." It takes a more refined "palette" to be able to utilize the second one properly. Everyone can attempt to make Trueblood with fake teeth and a waitress costume, but not everyone can dive into the nuances of a Nicholas Sparks' novel/screenplay.

3. Engage
Ask some fucking questions. I am so tired of getting into a session of witty banter where all that happens is... witty banter. Don't get me wrong, there are few things on the planet I love more than a good round of wit and snark mixed in with some sarcasm and quick words, but this a future does not make, because once you get past all that wit, you'll know nothing about that person.

You need to ask questions. You need to engage them in an actual conversation where you learn a bit more than oh, that's the guy with the great eyes or that's the girl with the killer rack. Knowing something about that person that you can reference or ask about the next time you talk to them, will leave no doubt in that person's mind that you're into them. Remembering that she was going to compete in a triathlon or that he was going to show his dog in the AKC competition will lead into a more in depth flirting relationship.

4. Commit 
If you're about to put yourself out there to chat up that sexy single over there, then you better commit to it. You can't half ass a good flirt. You have to have a system that works for you and commit to using it and commit to using it well and commit to using it with your target.

For example, when I know I'm going to be doing some hard core flirting with the bartender of my choice, I milk every last ounce of flirt that I have in my flirt-o-dex.

You can reference my how to get a drink faster than anyone else at the bar list. I'm going to be real with you, this works 90% of the time on male bartenders and 80% of the time on lesbian bartenders. (Yes I just made those statistics up, but trust me it works).

(1) I commit to leaning over the bar to show my cleavage (I know years of feminism, but if I have them, I might as well use them)(guys this does not work to the same level if you throw your penis up on the bar, in fact, you should probably not do that... it might get you kicked out. You could probably just get away with showing off your strong arms or your strong jaw line).
(2) I commit to plastering that 'damn you sir are one sexy mo-fo smile' on my face.
(3) I commit to making eye contact like there is no tomorrow. SMILE AND MAKE EYE CONTACT.
(4) I commit to lingering slightly too long with the credit card or money while I bat those eye lashes and thank them a bit too profusely... maybe it cheapens me, who knows. I just know it works.

Trust me on this one ladies and gents, it works every time. Seriously you can ask my friends about this one. If we're in a crowded bar, trying to get a drink, send me to the front lines, because I am always on a mission.

WHY Does this work? Because I've appealed to the four main emotional and physical desires of every human. Sex, Happiness, Recognition, and Human Companionship. If you appeal to these four main desires, then more often than not, the person you're flirting with will take notice. They'll see that you're committing to flirting with them and that you're interested in them for what/who they are.

If you can't commit to an idea and be confident in what you're trying to achieve then your target is going to realize it. And when they realize that you're only slightly trying to vie for their attention, they'll turn their attention elsewhere, because face it - you're one in 6 billion and not in a good way.

5. Make an Exit
Flirting is all well and good, but the point of a good flirt is to make them want more. What good is flirting an entire night away only to discover the next day that they don't want to talk to you anymore? NONE.

Knowing when to make the appropriate exit, gives you the advantage in this game of romantic cat and mouse.

This is another reason as to why you should also have a business card, because sitting there making small talk while he tries to put your phone number into his phone can make the whole situation even more awkward. You want to get in there, make an impression, and leave them wanting more.

This does not under any circumstance mean you network your way around the bar, it means make a connection and create a lasting impression that leaves them hungry, like Fabio for  I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

So Get Flirting

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

How to Meet, Date, and Get Screwed Over By Your Bartender

I know lately that my blog posts have been someone on the more depressing side. I'm sorry. I don't intend them to be. I just start writing and whatever comes out is what comes out. This was just the latest post in a string of trying to clear my life of negative relationships, because every now and then I realize something is in a toxic relationship state, so I just let it go... so here is the latest casualty.

It'll start simple.
You'll walk up to the bar, typically when it's not a crazy Friday/Saturday night, but it might be.

He'll ask, "What'll it be."
You'll order your drink of the month, whether it's a buttery nipple, a rum and coke, or a Malibu and pineapple.
He'll smile, fix your drink, and then start up a conversation.

You'll flirt.
He'll flirt.
Sparks will be evident to everyone around you and at the end of the night when you close your tab, he'll write his phone number on your receipt, and you'll shoot him a text.

You'll go out.
He'll make you dinner.
You'll make him desert.
You'll visit him at work.
He'll visit you on your days off.
Before you know it, you have something. He'll send just the cutest text message ever or the raciest one ever, and somewhere during the year or so you've been seeing him, and somewhere between, "yeah he's nice" and "I don't think it's anything serious," and "he's just my bartender," you'll start to develop feelings.


When you start to develop those feelings, shit hits the fan.

You'll text him more.
He'll back off.
You'll try to see him more.
He'll blow you off.
And somewhere in between the feelings of rejection and crushdom, you'll find out you're not the only one.

How could you be?
He's a bartender. He gets girls throwing themselves at him every day for free drinks and for a little extra special attention.
Sure you'll ask the other bartenders what the deal is, and they'll protect their brethren to the last lie slipping off their tongue about how he's single and only seeing you, but his roommate - wont.

He'll show you the pictures he took of the two of them at the caps game or at the birthday party. He'll make plans with you at a bar he knows they're going to that night, and you'll meet up, and you'll see - your bartender making googly eyes across the table with some girl whose chin is so large you could land a learjet on it.

Then you'll know.
You'll know what you knew all along that it couldn't work.
That it wouldn't work.

But just because you know something in your gut all along doesn't make the hurt any less bearable. It doesn't make the pictures of flowers he sent her on his facebook any less bearable. Everything you wanted, you watch her have.
Everything you thought you had, you watch her have.

You'll feel used.
You'll feel dejected.
You'll feel like something someone once dumped in the gutter and then walked away as you slipped into the drain.

And after the cookies and the icecream, you'll set a resolve to move past it.
You'll block his number, because his texts are too persuasive to resist and you know what happens if you don't resist - more hurt, more pain.

You'll think about unblocking it.


Remember that hurt. Because if you resist growing and moving past what you used to have, then you'll fall into the continuous cycle of accepting being cheated on and being the other woman at the exact same time.

So instead, as you watch her take your place, slowly, as though you were just a faded memory, remember that you're better than that. It's better to be your own person with someone who treats you like you deserve.

It's better to be just somebody that he used to know.
It's better that he be just somebody that you used to know.

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over.
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done"


Monday, March 26, 2012

Cooking for One? Try Fresh Diet

aka, "Count Phone Numbers, Not Calories"

After another crazy weekend of drinking and carousing, the LAST thing I want to do is come home on Sunday or any day for that matter and make dinner... for one.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE cooking. There is nothing better than coming home at the end of the day walking into your significant other's arms and sharing a great meal that you've made together.

But, I dont seem to have one of those right now, and since I dont really have any takers aside from Kenny the sloppy drunk fest that asked me to marry him about five minutes after I met him on Saturday night over at the Front Page, I don't really see my dream scenario happening anytime soon.


There is a solution.

That's right, you heard me.

See that food over there. Doesn't it look a-fucking-mazing? Best part about it - No cooking, no calorie counting, and no clean up.

Oh wait, that wasn't the best part.

The Fresh Diet delivers 3 fresh, healthy, calorie-controled meals and 2 snacks daily straight to your door. In fact, you could lose 10 pounds your first month.

Who doesn't want to lose a few LBs to help boost your self-confidence in order to help your potentials see how smoking hot you really are?

 Recently since I've started on my back to me campaign of not dating guys I don't already know, my dating calendar has started to slip, while my hang out with friend's calendar continues to expand.

The idea of cooking for just little ole me every meal is actually driving me crazy.

A day in my culinary delights goes a little something like this...


9:00AM - Pop the thyroid pill, be pissed off I can't eat for an hour.
9:30AM - Look at clock, grumble about how hungry I am.
9:45AM - Sit on the couch ready for work, stare at my watch - impatiently tap fingers while the minutes seem to tick by slower and slower.
10:00AM - Realize that I'm going to be late for work. Grab whatever form of Eggo or PopTart is closest to me as I run out the door.
11:00AM - Begin to feel hungry again.
11:15AM - Look up recipes on the food network.
11:30AM - Look up recipes on epicurious.
11:45AM - Look up recipes on recipe.com
11:55AM - Realize that none of those recipes are an option.
12:00PM - Ponder how good your lunch in the refrigerator is going to taste... typically left over lasagna, spaghetti, pesto, alfredo, diablo, scampi, pasta a la vodka. Saying I eat a lot of pasta would be an understatement. WHO WANTS TO EAT PASTA FOR 14 MEALS IN A WEEK?
3:00PM - Start to feel a bit peckish, dig in the desk for whatever form of halloween candy you left there from coming into work hungover.
3:05PM - Stare at the KitKat wrapper in your hand and wonder how you ate it without realizing it.
3:10PM - Still Hungry, Ponders how good paper would taste with a little bit of salt and pepper.
6:00PM - Rush Home Hungry. Open the refrigerator. Open the pantry. Open the cupbard. Open the freezer. Open the cabinets. Nothing to eat.
6:15PM - Open a box of pasta, because, "hey, it's there!"
6:20PM - Cook more pasta than I need, because, "hey! I'll have leftovers."

On the weekends I get a bit fancier, because I'm actually a pretty amazing cook, if I do say so myself. You can ask the majority of my ex-boyfriends, they'd probably agree. Except for the poor sap I poisoned with plastic-spoon-laced-gumbo. (Who knew gumbo melts plastic!?)

Seldom will my meals include vegetables if I'm cooking for one in a rush on a weekday. And my food would NEVER look this fucking good or actually be healthy for me if I'm cooking for just me, myself, and I.

But if someone else happened to cook it, like in a local state of the art kitchen... and it just so happened to appear on my doorstep and I didn't have to look at pasta for the next 8 weeks, who would I be to complain?

If it came with breakfast, lunch, dinner, and I didn't have to ponder what sort of snacks I could have with it... who would I be to complain?

 I wouldn't be able to, because are you looking at these meals?

I wouldn't have to try to stack 50 pasta pots into my dishwasher.

I wouldn't have to clean up the 50 spoons/forks/knives it took me to make my meals, because all I would need would be the utensils needed to eat it.

No longer will I have to hang my head in despair and agony because my waist line keeps growing at the same rate my wine bill does, because face it, cooking for one every single night can become a little bit depressing.

Instead I could use the time it took me to cook my pasta and use that to surf OkCupid or Howaboutwe.com for some cute potentials. Or more likely I could use that valuable time to harass SexyFace or IrishEyes into loving me.

Curious about trying The Fresh Diet out?
Who wouldn't be?! It's gourmet, healthy, delectably-delicious food delivered to your door!
Check it out - You can receive 3 days free with the purchase of a 31 day plan at $29.99 per day. Just use the special discount code, singlmar29.

With all the time, energy, and calories I'd save using The Fresh Diet, I'd probably have a boyfriend by the end of Spring, for sure... right?

I can't be single forever... can I?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

5 Common Texting Mistakes in Dating

I am all about the text messages. I've said it time and time again, if you want to contact me and get an answer in a reasonable amount of time. Text me. I love it. It's quick, nearly instantaneous and keeps a certain amount of pressure off both parties communicating.

With that being said, there are a lot of people out there in the dating-sphere who are doing it WRONG.

If they're sent to someone you want to date, texts should be fun, engaging, inquisitive, and always concise.

I could care less what you text your best friend Sally, but if you're looking to keep someone engaged in texting with you and talking with you and dating you, then you need to know that what you're texting could be jeopardizing your dating relationships. This is not a guide to texting your friends... this is a guide on how/how not to text people you're dating.

The following list of the Five Common Texting Mistakes in Dating are issues that I have seen time and time again, in my own dating life and in the dating lives of others. These aren't fairy tale mistakes, these are dating-trenches issues.

Hopefully you haven't done them, but if you have, now you know that you could be the one sabotaging your dating life.

1. Not Asking Questions 
If you're trying to engage someone in a little textual banter, then the quickest way to ensure that the person on the other end of the phone understands that you're interested in them and interested in the conversation, is to ask questions.

Keep in mind that this texting conversation is not a date. It's a supplement to the date that you have had or will have.

If you ask questions, most people read them and want to respond. And in most responses you will get a question asked back, and then you'll ask a question, and then they'll ask a question, etc...

This propagates the flow of conversation and you'll learn something about the person you're dating in the meanwhile.

2. Texting too Often/ Not Quitting While You're Ahead
This mistake goes hand in hand with mistake number 3. I can't tell you how many times I get someone who wants to text me every hour they're awake.

If I'm madly in love with you that's one thing, but if we're still in the fledgling stages of dating, I'm not interested in you texting me ever 20 minutes of the day. In fact, most of those texts that you're sending every 20 minutes are pointless, because there is only so many ways to tell you that I'm editing something. Or that I'm on lunch.

If we've been on three dates, I dont need to know that your lunch was delicious or that you have a piece of spinach caught in your teeth, ESPECIALLY THROUGH TEXT. Granted if you're dating long distance this might be relevant, but if I plan on seeing you for dinner tonight, I dont need to you regale me with your day as it's happening, because you can tell me at dinner.

I once met this guy on the internet who we're going to call PsychoPants, and he and I had a great online conversation, and we were planning to go out on a date, so I gave him my number.


Seriously. Within 48 hours of giving this guy my number, he had essentially texted me over 300 times. Only 1% of those texts had to deal with the date.

He fucking kamikazed the opportunity to date me, because he didn't quit while he was ahead.

Granted it was great for me, because I found out within 48 hours that I didn't want to get within 200 miles of this PsychoPants, because he'd probably never leave me alone, but had he texted me to set up the date and then stopped - we would have gone out. He would have had the opportunity to actually talk to me, instead of the barrage of textsanity that occurred.

And had he not texted me every 5 minutes for the next 4 weeks after I told him it wasn't going to work out, I wouldn't have given him the name PsychoPants.

Yes, this might be a really intense version of what I'm telling you is a mistake, but to him that was normal. To you texting every hour might be normal, or every time you sit down to eat food might be normal, or every time you go to the restroom.

I don't know, but I do know that texting too often is the quickest way to the dating chopping block because there's a fine balance between interest and clingy. Make sure you find out what it is, and STICK TO IT.

3. Texting Without a Purpose
Too often one of my friends will get a text from a guy, which says nothing. It'll say, "Ugh bored at work" or "Can't believe these metro delays."

Well that's nice, but how do you respond to that if you're neither bored at work or taking the metro. With a "yeah work sucks" or a "yeah the metro is always delayed?"

These texts without a purpose might also drive the person you're trying to woo crazy.

Let's assume that everyone is busy. Right?
Let's assume that the person you like is at work swamped with a shit ton to do.
Now let's assume that you keep sending these texts every one or two hours and then they feel obligated to respond, but because you're busy or waiting on the metro, you're more likely to respond back, then they feel obligated to respond back and then you text back, and then they don't.

Now you start to wonder... OMG... do they still like me? Why aren't they responding? Did something happen? Are they dead? Did they find someone else?

You might think I'm over-exaggerating, but I'm not. This will actually go through some people's minds.  And then you're sabotaging your blossoming relationship, because they're not responding, and it's freaking you out, but in truth you're the one that started a pointless texting conversation. See mistakes 4 and 5 to reiterate the fact that while texts are a great place for flirty banter, not using them to launch into something more is due to a lack of using technology to the best of it's abilities.

4. The Hi Text
I have discoursed on this topic before. If you are trying to get someone to be interested in seeing you on a romantic level or attempting to continue the romantic spark you know you have, then sending someone a text with


and nothing else, is as ANNOYING as a bad bartender.

A "Hi" text gives the recipient nothing to respond to, because they don't know the context. Are you saying, "hi," because you want to see them, or do you want to know what they're doing, or do you know that they posted a blog post about you?

It's unacceptable to just send a "Hi," because in a text a, "hi" means nothing.

Acceptable "hi" texts aren't made up of one word. If you're thinking about someone then tell them.

For example you could say, "Hey just wanted to see how you were doing after the st paddy's day craziness"

Or you could say, "Heya, I just ran across that little book store you were telling me about, you were right, really cute!"

Or you could say, "I just read the most remarkable article I think you would enjoy."

As long as it's poignant to the person receiving the text, you can say whatever you want, because while a "hi" text might say I'm thinking about you, a "I just found out that there's a new pizza place opening up that you would like, we should go" text says a whole lot more.

5. Not Using Texts as a Jumping Board
How many times have you stared into the screen of your $300+ phone, stroked it's shiny clean surface and said, "you look beautiful here in the moonlight."

NEVER. If you have you need some help.

You can't foster a dating relationship through texts. You can't. You can flirt and banter and make plans through texts, but if you spend more time texting your potential and less time staring into their gorgeous eyes, then you might be doing it wrong.

Texting is not the only part of dating, in fact it shouldn't even be in the top 5 parts of dating, unless you're in a long distance thingy. To properly experience dating you need to actually GO ON DATES.
Really a novel concept if you think about it.

Back in the 70s when my parents were dating, they didn't have text messages or instant messages or that weird voice messaging thing I can't remember the name of. They actually had to go and spend time together out in the world. Imagine not relying on social media and technology while dating.

So that's what you should do too. Not rely on technology as the major factor in your dating life, instead, you should use it as a nudge, so to speak. As in use technology to gain more dates.

As in,
"Hi, so I was just passing by the Corcoran and remembered that you really liked xyz, and they're having an exhibit this month, wanna go?"