Saturday, May 22, 2010

Bi-yas on the End

Like most evenings spent sidled up to a bar, you and your friends walk up and sit down. You order a drink. All of you are having a marvelous time and then suddenly some too-suave-for-their-own-good-player slides up to your group. Infact, they slide up to the person sitting on the end. They interupt your conversation. They're 20 years your senior, and to be perfectly honest their stories about their petty entry-level security clearance become plain annoying.

After 20-30 minutes of harranguing your friends finally pry you out of the player's slimy clutches, but that's 20-30 minutes wasted, where you could have been eyeing up the hottie in the corner.

There's a way we can fix this.

You know those bitchy-basturd friends that we all have? They're the ones who don't take shit and aren't afraid to call someone out for being pathetic or annoying. You stick those people on the end of your group!

It seems simple, but it works.

Here's the same situation as earlier... A group of friends at a bar and the pathetic entry-level security clearance forty-year-old player slides up, trying to rope in some good times and your friend, (let's call the friend Sam) turns to the player and says... "Hon, you're way too old for me and I ain't looking for a sugar daddy/cougar to run around with."

The player approaches again from the other end, he slides up and Toni says "Yo, what you doin'. Can't you see we're talking here?!"

Crisis averted. Your time will never be wasted pulling a friend away from a annoying player at a bar again.

It's as simple as 1, 2, 3.
1. Walk into the bar.
2. Arrange the bitches/ass holes at the far ends of the group.
3. Sit down.

And Done.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

If You Ask, You Should Call

“So, I had a lot of fun tonight, could I get your number?”
“yeah! 409-555-8890! Shoot me a text or something!”

3 days later and you have yet to get a single text, phone call, or accidental butt dial from the person who insisted that you swap those oh so important 9 digits. Don’t feed me that line, (s)he’s just not that into you, because why else did (s)he ask for the number?

In today’s digital society communication is faster than ever before. However, due to the lackadaisical nature in which people communicate, a lot of times, we can get overenthusiastic about a recent prospect (p2) due to the lack of communication (slow/not flirty enough/frustrating texts or phone calls) from a past prospect (p1). And even though p2 is quite awesome and fun, they still come in second as compared to p1 who is the original prospect, which leaves p2 sad, and dejected. And I mean maybe that’s what you want, as Anne of Green Gables said it maybe you want a string full of beaus and drive them wild for you. Maybe that makes you happy, maybe that’s what helps you get off at night, but this is a two way street here people and when you leave someone hanging without a simple, hey I had a great time, but I’m not ready to settle down. It’s just rude. Have the respect to let p2 off the hook. There are nice ways to let someone know you’re not interested, and a big number one is DON’T ASK FOR THE NUMBER.

Maybe you think they’re sexy, you’ve had a few laughs, and your friends are ready to head to bar number twelve for the night, but you’re just really not as interested in prospect at bar eleven as you were with the prospect at bar number four who you’ve been texting all night. There’s a simple solution, don’t ask for the number, smile, give a hug, and say nice meeting you, but I gotta go!

But with this in mind it is also relevant to mention that should someone ask for your number, they should use it. Even if it is just to say “I’m not interested and you don’t want to see them again” as stated earlier, then let them know so they’ don’t become that sad girl in He’s Just Not That Into You waiting by the phone dying for your call.

There’s something called common courtesy people.

However, should you ask for the number genuinely interested in the person you were flirting it up with, then use it with confidence. Go get ‘em tiger! HOWEVER, I’m not saying call them 5 times after just meeting them, leave 3 voice messages, and 15 texts because you want them to catch up with you at the next bar, but a cute little “Hey this is the hottie with the body you were talking to at Rumors! Hope to see you soon!” doesn’t hurt.

There’s a fine line between hottie with a body and crazed stalker.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Fake Ring

I have an obsession with the group Lonely Island, so when I came across the following video (a parody) I wasn't confused or upset, instead I was intrigued.

If you don't have time to watch the video I'll give you the jist. This website created Puke in my Mouth, a parody of the song Jizz in my Pants. No biggie, as a female this video was hilarious, and it's been a year or so since I saw it, but I got distracted today and relocated it only to wonder... are fake engagement rings just... wrong?

Why can't women just say I'm not interested at a bar instead of passively aggressively flipping the ring bird at the obnoxious guy who may or may not smell like old gruyere sweating all over you.

This is more of a question. A topic of debate if you will about whether or not the fake engagement ring stands as good or bad.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Talking To...

As discussed in the previous post there are many types of relationships.

And after really dissecting a few of my friends, I've discovered that the launching board from friends to MORE all starts with a simple step.

Talking To...

But how do you get to this stage which can launch you into so much more?

Simple, you talk to them. How? You need to find a common connection any common connection least favorite movie, worst hamburger you ever had, a similar guilty pleasure and run with it. From a connection can come a spark and from a spark can come anything. It doesn't matter if you're looking for just a cuddle buddy or a booty call or a fiancé at this stage. To get to your goal you need to first break down the barrier of communication and get on it. If you don't have their phone number, facebook them and talk to them that way.


Unless they are sitting right behind you in class (actually happened to me) and can see you creeping (also called reconnoissance) and can give you a commentary via facebook messenger while you dish shit back at them for the horrible picture of a monkey in their crotch (again really happened), then DON'T stalk them. Friend them, send a flirty message (always start out on a flirty foot otherwise they wont know that you're interested, and people if someone sends you a flirty message and you're not interested DON'T send a flirty message back. Common sense here), and let it rest; do not sit in front of your computer/phone waiting for the response. Go out, enjoy life. Life is too short to spend it waiting on someone to respond.

This is an imperative step, because you will need stuff to talk about and if you just sit on the couch all day watching Gossip Girl, and they don't like Gossip Girl; then you my friend are up shit creek without a paddle.

Monday, May 10, 2010


My friends and I have been having some trouble classifying relationships in the past few.... years actually. For as long as I can remember the only thing 100% concrete in life is divorce. Classifications of varying relationships become a bit, difficult once you get out of elementary school. I remember for an extended period of time during my junior high years deciphering whether or not people were on price check if they had been talking via the phone for a while, but hadn't really established themselves as dating or boyfriend/girlfriend.

So what are the classifications?

1. Divorced (I don't mean to be cynical, but it's the only one that is concrete).
2. Married
3. Civil Union ( I know, but to be PC about it).
4. Engaged
5. Promised
6. Relationship (This is that step where you're serious about your significant other, but not serious enough to propose).
7. Boyfriend/Girlfriend
8. Dating (This is where you have established that you really enjoying going out with each other, but aren't ready to take the next step to make the relationship be official).
9. Seeing Each Other (This is NOT dating. Why? Because dating implies going out for dinner or an event of some sort be it expensive or free. Seeing someone means that you have established that yes you're kind of interested in one another, but depending on the level of commitment by each party really determines whether or not this will move to something more or dissipate).
10. Talking to Someone (You're in the stage before seeing, you've been chatting online or on the phone or in class and have set indefinite plans, but they haven't happened yet. In the age of chatroulette and skype this also includes talking to someone you have never met repeatedly via video chat).
11. Cuddle Buddies (This is a beautiful relationship which involves two people establishing that they are into spending time in each others arms just being with each other. This may or may not involve kissing).
12. Hooking Up (PURELY PHYSICAL, don't be a biddie and try to make this into something more).
13. The Booty Call/Sex (If you don't know this one, I can't help).

So those are the only ones I can really think of. If you have anymore that you think need to be added, let me know!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Bait and Switch

After a party I attended this evening, I was left a little astounded, by the amount of bait and switches, which occurred.

What is a Bait and Switch?

Luring in someone with false pretenses, which might include: Going over to talk to a person in order to get to know them for your friend when in fact you're getting to know them for yourself, leading someone into heavy detailed-flirty conversation only to announce halfway through that they want to know about your friend, or essentially any event which leads to one party getting to know someone in order to attract personal gain at the expense of another party.

Now while the bait and switch stings, it is a necessary part of life which helps you develop a more secure and resolute flirting style. You learn to adapt to people you talk to with out even realizing it, but be wary, because if you happen to be interested in someone and are off your game, you might be passed by.

How do you cope?
Move on.

There are many fish out their in the sea and while your crush might be the most fabulous person in the room, chances are that they are not the most fabulous person in the world. A party is just a party and a person is just a person. Don't put people up on pedestals when you first meet them or really at all, because that allows someone to have control over your emotions in a way that they shouldn't have, because your emotions should be yours alone.

If you find yourself at the negative end of the Bait and Switch don't worry, because as I have said, there are many other fish in the sea, but as with everything you need to notice trends in your life. If a friend constantly says that she is luring a guy to you, but then steals him for herself. You have a problem. Address it and move forward. If you notice that people are constantly attracted to your other friends then try to figure out what they have that you don't. I'm not advocating changing yourself, please G-d don't, because you're you for a reason. What I'm saying is that maybe you should step out of your normal party/meeting people comfort zone and try other tactics, which might have a more positive effect.

Friday, May 7, 2010

The Slow Fade

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess and a handsome prince. They met in a bar, made out for a few hours, exchanged phone numbers and then flirt texted the entirety of the next day. They met up again and had the same chemistry that they had at the bar and continued to experience the same spark every time after, but one day the boy didn't text. The next day he did, but the day after that, nothing. The day after that, nothing. The next day he texts, made vague plans and then didn't respond the next three days. Eventually you feel lost, confused, and just plain upset that all of that wonderful chemistry went up *POOF* into thin air. You try texting a few more times, but it isn't even worth it now.

This my lovely readers, is the slow fade.

Why does it happen?
I can't answer with 100% sure-ness, but I can say that it could be a pleathora of reasons, such as:
1. New Crush or Love Interest
2. No Longer Interested
3. Actually Busy
4. Was Playing You from the Start, Got What They Wanted and Moved on
5. Too Cool for the Cookies You're Selling.
6. Know that They Cannot Sustain the Relationship
7. ETC...

Essentially in case you were wondering, there's nothing you can really do with the slow fade once you see it begin to progress, unless, the other party is still in fact interested, because once that slow fade gets to the point of a week or so without communication, you need to realize that it's over.

The slow fade is just a part of relationships in life, be they friendships or romantic. You know those friends you had from classes in college or from a work place that you were close with and then as you moved on, so did they? It's the same thing that happens with romantic slow fades.

A friend of mine once met a very attractive man who would text her and say let's hang out and they would try, but somehow he'd always get caught up with friends or the traffic would be too bad, or he'd completely forget. So, if we can't do anything about them, then what do we do? Well you need to establish a set amount of times of epic let downs (not meeting, not calling, m.i.a.'s) that you're o.k. with before you decide that it's time to move on. Essentially what I'm trying to say is that you should decide how many times a new crush is allowed to bail on you before you call it quits. I usually give a guy the benefit of the doubt 3 times before I say this is the last time, but this is your life and your decisions.

This isn't like a set book or a set guideline. All I can ever offer is suggestions, but this is something that I have established for myself, before I give up completely on a new flame.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The End of Semester Blues

As I walked around the quad of my university today, I noticed many couples, hugging goodbye, and straggling around kissing each other for the final time.

It's a heartbreaking scene watching the person you care for, walk away not to see them for three or four months, maybe an entire summer, and the next semester if God forbid they're going abroad, but after the pain and tears and the tearing of your heart, I wanted to let the couples out their know something...

You will survive.

Summer is not an eternity, soldiers have gone off to war for years at a time, with only a pen and paper to keep them tied to their loves back in the states. People can survive without physical intimacy for months, if not years. It's only in this fast paced world of globalization where we begin to doubt that we can survive within a relationship without physical contact.

Now I have been in numerous long distance relationships (LDR) and have survived the months of separation endured through semester/summer breaks as well as LDRs where neither party saw each other except for a passing glance of a couple of days for months at a time, and after all of these experiences I can guarantee one thing that will help you hold onto that love for the entirety of the relationship, no matter the distance.

There's this little invention called the phone. Telephones can allow you to communicate over states, countries, and continents. In order to keep a relationship working you have to be willing to put in the time necessary to make your partner and you happy. My roommate will talk on the phone to her boyfriend, who lives many, many states away for hours on end. They have agreed to make this commitment to each other where they converse about every aspect of their lives via the phone and in some cases skype. Skype is also a brilliant invention which allows you to see your love across distances. While I'm not currently using skype to talk to a boyfriend, I do utilize its marvelous powers to converse with friends from California to Cairo, Egypt, and let me tell you this, even though I cannot see my friends in person, it is a comfort to know that we can set up a Skype date and just talk to each other as if we were sitting with each other in the same room.

It's my experience in LDRs that if a party is unwilling to meet the minimum requirements of the other party, then it should be noted that perhaps that person will never be able to give you what you're looking for, and as someone who deserves to have their needs met, you should really reconsider the relationship. Thirty minutes to an hour every day is not a lot to ask of someone who claims to love you, and if they are extremely busy one day, a little leeway should be given. However, if they blow you off continuously over and over again, because they spend too much time in the library or find their friends at home more interesting than their significant other who is 1000s of miles away, you should really sit down and talk to them about what's bothering you, because it will only escalate should you ignore the problem.

What I'm trying to tell you is that even though the end of the semester may be approaching, it is not necessary to immediately break up with your significant other because the long distance will kill you since you wont see each other every day or so, and if you break up with them because the long distance wont allow you to have the physical gratification usually alloted with dating someone, then maybe you should invest in materials or a sexual therapist who would be able to help you work out your sexual frustrations.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Rebound Setup

Recently I began talking to an ex again and things seemed to be going fine. I met up with him briefly and let him borrow a movie of mine (which I don't do often, movies are my life). At which point in time he began to beguile me with compliments on my beauty and insist that he missed me more than I could imagine. Flattered I took everything he said with a grain of salt, knowing his character. But at the same time I really tried to believe him.
Until a couple days later when I was told by a mutual friend that this guy was on the verge of dumping his current girlfriend, due to factors unknown.

Maybe I am as beautiful as he said and maybe he really did miss me, but it is this writer's opinion that both of these topics were bullshit and he was just trying to butter me up in order to use me as a rebound as soon as girlfriend was dumped.

In today's fast paced world, people dread the idea of being alone. I do. I'll admit it, and it's this idea that being alone is horrible and comes with the stigma of despair and hopelessness, which drives a single person to stalking potential mates with the same ferocity as a lioness hunting her prey on the Serengeti. Yet at the same time, these people who exhibit chronic relationship status syndrome, have the exact same dilemma. When they sense a relationship on the verge of failure they reach out to ex-es or new prey in order to continue their nightly cuddle sessions or have someone who will take up the mantle of girlfriend after a short, but reasonable time has passed for them to begin seeing this new relationship to its full potential. However, this only succeeds in disallowing people to realize who they are as people and focus on exactly what they want in a future mate.

If you continuously hop from Girl A to Girl B to Girl C to D to E to Fuck this chick is crazy, then you never really understand who you are as an individual and therefore you can't understand what you truly need out of a relationship. All you are doing is hopping from problem set to new problem set and taking on their issues and problems without trying to confront your own issues.

Now if all you want out of life is hook up after hook up, then don't follow my advice on this topic, but if you're actually hoping to meet the One, then people, wake up.

Being single is not the end of the world.
Being single allows you focus on developing who you are and allows you grow in ways that typical relationships hinder you from, because your partner will try to fill in where you lack, and while this is usually what you want when searching for perfection. Finding this perfection too early in life will only succeed in making you weaker.

I'm not saying don't date. Please, do date. Just don't jump into a relationship with the first person that comes along and calls you pretty, because you need to take time to understand what you're looking for, and I'm not talking surface level, like blonde hair and green eyes. I'm talking you need to know what kind of person, (sorry to be cliché) completes you. Jumping into relationships with ex-es just keeps you back pedalling and never allows you to move forward and find new people who might meet your needs better.

So weird-ex-cuddle-person who recently contacted me. You need to step back and reevaluate yourself before you jump into your next relationship, because all you will succeed in doing with this rebound setup you're trying to create is weaken your growth potential.

Psycho Vs. Perceived Psycho

As I was riding in the elevator of my library today, I ran into a member of a fraternity and asked him what kind of relationship issues he was having lately. (Gotta find material somewhere right?) And he mentioned that his only issue was that the girl he is dating is in fact a psycho.

This got me wondering about what is considered a psycho in an age when people spit out the phrase awkward like it's candy. Is psycho the new awkward? Let's inspect.

Recently I've heard people being called psychos because they call and get no answer and then follow up with a text and again get no answer, but if we did that with our friends, it wouldn't be considered psycho. It would be considered concerned. So where do we draw the line of psycho vs. just perceived psycho?

A friend of mine a few years ago dated a girl that would send facebook messages to all of his female friends accusing them of having sex with her boyfriend. This girl then got a hold of a few of these friend's phone numbers and called them up at 2 a.m. in the morning and kvetched them out for sleeping with her boyfriend and would demand that they give him the phone. THIS GIRL was a legit psycho. She was desperate, clingy, and just plain mean. She's in no way on the same level as a girl who just wants to have a good time and sends a couple of texts and gives a guy a call, but because of this idea that desperateness leads to stalker status and then psycho behavior it's assumed that when someone sends you a few texts that they're one step away from the insane asylum.

It is my personal belief that people toss around frequently used words a bit too much (psycho, awkward, weird). I've dated psychos and have subsequently received texts that are degrading and insulting from these same men, which in my opinion is just psychotic, after a relationship is over, it's time to move on, stop harping on the past and really stop booty-calling the ex, that's just annoying.

According to Oxford English Dictionary, psychosis is: severe mental illness, characterized by loss of contact with reality and deterioration of intellectual and social functions. An event or act that is continuously repeated over days and weeks is psychotic, especially if that act is received with negativity or scorn. It's the idea that someone has lost their touch with reality and no longer can establish within their mind reality versus imagining a perceived social interaction. The key with understanding whether a girl is psychotic via the communication air waves can only be established with this idea of psychosis in mind.

If it has been established in a relationship (friend, romantic, or acquaintance) that certain texting styles/ time of day of communication/ material conveyed through communication/ etc... are acceptable then it should be understood that one party cannot immediately call the other psycho when they reciprocate those communication methods. I.e., if a guy texts a girl at the same time of night every night, for sex, then when that girl texts the guy at the same time of night for the same activity, the guy has no reason to be upset or blow the girl off, because that's their established relationship, and should an outlier in the communication methods arise; i.e., one night of texts and a few phone calls due to inebriation, then the other party should just accept it for what it is and not label the girl a psycho. Essentially a few texts at an established communication time, which follows the same messages as in previous days or weeks, which have been approved by either party is not on the same level of psychosis that involves a random text from a guy/girl calling you a slut at 1 o'clock in the morning, because they don't approve of your night time activities.

I really think people need to just take a step back and think about this idea of what is actually psychotic, instead of just jumping to the most hyperbolic expression available in order to prove a point.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Moviemance

Recently it came to my attention that many men are forgoing the traditional dating system to instead have an occurrence that I like to call the moviemance. A moviemance is a series of dates that involves going to one another's houses to watch movies while getting to know each other in a more intimate and relaxed setting. There's no worry about who will have to pay, because there's no money involved. There's no worry about will there be obnoxious PDA, because you're not in public. There's no worry about will I go home with him tonight, because you're already at their house.

This idea of the moviemance in today's economy seems to be too good to be true, but there seems to be something missing in our current society, because of it. The lack of money spent on a date means there's less pressure to reciprocate anything and therefor less pressure to really see where a new relationship takes you. Instead it seems like the moviemance actually begins to pressure people to hookup before the time is right, because there's less social stigma against making out in one's own house. The moviemance actually begins to make one flippant towards spending time with one individual and instead begins to make people assume that when watching a movie with a close friend, it becomes assumed that you will be hooking up with that person. This leads to drama and heartache.

So while the economy has put us in this new dating rut of relationships on the cheap, it also has forced us into the idea that when no money is spent, we can be as flighty as we want with as many people, because there is no obligation to someone who hasn't made an investment in you and your life. It is my advice, then, that if you are really interested in someone and they say, "hey come over and watch a movie" that you should respond with "actually I just heard about this really great at the theatre, can we watch that one instead?" And chances are they'll say yes. This works extremely well if you live in a bigger city with half-price theatres or free movie previews or older movies being reshown on the silver screen, because this allows you to still keep the date cheap and keep yourself in a slow moving relationship, which could eventually blossom into something more.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Advice on Drunk Dialing Lovers

Lately as the year goes on, I've heard from many of my female friends that they all seem to be having the same issue. Men will only text them when they're 1.Drunk, 2. High, or 3. Looking for Some, which technically is a part of 1 and 2.

While I know that getting a man can be difficult there are certain self evident truths that are indelible in our search for the perfect man. We women and men, should not have to feel degraded by a drunk text. We need to realize that this is a part of life and it is bound to happen. If it occurs every now and then in concurrence with sober texting and calling, then you have nothing to worry about, clearly there is some affection during times of sobriety, but should these texts pop up only during the numbered items up top, then you need to realize that he or she thinks of you in only a physical or flippant manner. Someone who really likes you will make the effort to communicate when their minds are not impaired. If someone never makes that effort then you have the utmost right to call him or her out on it in order to stand up for your rights as a human who deserves to be respected.

So, if what you want from a relationship is long term lovey-dovey type things, then you should stay away, but if you want to be in a relationship, which is essentially physical and sexy and fun, then you should continue to engage with the drunk/high/sexually frustrated men/women.
But with that said then don't expect anything other than physicality. If it leads to something more, that's great, but that is normally the exception, not the rule.