Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Are you confused, because I am

Did John say he played hockey, or did Frank? Is Gina a rock climber or is Shaina?

Odds are if you're playing the field... you're level of comprehension over who's on first is out the window.

In fact, you have no idea which guy said what and which girl does what.

So you could be asking yourself, Rose!? If I'm dating multiple people, how do I keep them all straight.

Step one, don't date people that look alike. This is a major faux-pa. Why? Because If JC is just a bigger version of Samson, then you're going to become confused, extremely confused. If your friends are telling you, wow, doesn't he look like that other guy you're dating, Dave, then you probably shouldn't mix the two at the same time. Wait till you're done with Dave and then move on to Smith. BECAUSE, and this is the biggest because of all. Consider the following statement the Holy Grail of multiples dating: IF YOUR FRIENDS THINK THAT THEY LOOK SIMILAR; THEY'RE GOING TO CALL SMITH BY SAMSONS' NAME AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME.

Imagine this: You're sitting, snuggled up on the couch with Gina and all of the sudden your roommate walks in... You're also dating ruth and betty, but Gina doesn't know. Why does she need to. Then it happens. Roommate looks down at you, Hey Roomie, oh hey Betty, good to see you again!

Gina sits up... and is now confrontational. You now have a pissed off girl on your couch and odds are, you're going to get slapped.

Step two, write down, everything you remember about the girl after you have your date, unless you have the memory of a God.
I once had a professor, probably one of the most friendly professors I had, and he would tell the class that the reason he was so good at networking and building up trust and relationships with thousands of people was because he had files on them all. Now I'm not saying that you should start a filing cabinet, or keep your notes in a place easily found by girls/boys you're dating, but what I am saying is that it might be beneficial for you to write down your thoughts and facts about the girl so that you can brush up on who she is before the date. Because no one likes to be told they like to ice skate, knit, and sew when they actually would love to surf, snowboard or sky dive.

Step three, if you still are having trouble telling Steve from Peter and Sally from Sam, then here's my last piece of advice. Stop dating so many people. No, but really. If you're literally dating 3 or 4 different girls every week, then to be perfectly honest you need to consider what's wrong with you. Why do you have such a high turn-over? Maybe you're crass, maybe you're an ass (if you're dating this many peeps, you probs are). You should probably limit your dating quotas to something more managable so that you're giving a fighting chance to the girls/guys you're dating. No one can live up to perfect expectations, and by you expecting them to, you're only hurting yourself.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Mr. Perfect.

If I had to pick my dream man, he'd be built like Gerard Butler (cerca 300), look like Angus MacFadyen (cerca Braveheart), have the heart of Pope John Paul II, and have the personality of Adam Richman from Man vs. Food.

The problem with my amalgamation of dream characteristics is that... 1. It's never going to happen and 2. It limits me.

I can sit around waiting for this perfect man to walk into my life, which odds are, will never actually happen, OR I can look around and be proactive about finding the perfect FIT.

What do I mean?

Well there's my ideal man, he's perfect, he likes scuba diving, LOVES the ocean, likes sitting at home snuggling, watching copious amounts of movies, eating brownies, eating in general, spoiling me, being spoiled, loves kids, is the most patient man on the planet, loves the way I decorate, has the memory of a God, and can grill like nobodies business.

20 Bucks says this man who looks like Angus Macfadyen/Adam Richman/Gerry Butler, and has all the above qualities, doesn't exist. In fact, if I ever find him, I'll propose on the spot, BUT what does exist are thousands of men who match, can give me all the love and attention I need, without being EXACTLY what I want. In fact I would say, finding someone who meets exactly what I want, would be horrible boring... unless they look exactly like Angus, but the unknown factor that these thousands of men do bring to the table, creates excitement.

Having these ideals, is good, but when you limit yourself to finding future happiness, because you're so blinded by finding perfection, you're not only losing out on the chance to date people who could potentially be your soul mate. You're missing out on the opportunity to find happiness because what you think will make you happy is the only thing you're willing to consider.

For example, my mother, did not want to date Mr. Rose, because he was skinny, awkward, and horribly annoying. He would sit behind her in math class, feet on her seat, and because of his restless leg syndrome, he would shake her silly. She'd turn around and say, "stop, quit, please take your feet off of my desk," and he would do so, forget five minutes later and repeat the whole seat shaking event, much to my mother's chagrin.

One day, Mr. Rose, says, "hey you wanna go out with me..." my mom says, "HELL NO," probably without the cuss word, but still quite as emphatically. 'Why,' she thinks to herself, 'would I want to date the awkward kid that wears a wetsuit to school, because he doesn't want to ruin his clothes while riding his motorcycle.' She goes home, talks to my grandmother about the whole situation, and my grandmother says, "just one date, it's not like you're going to marry the guy, and it'll get him to leave you alone".

Needless to say 40 years later, here I am, the product of a 40 year long marriage and countless happy times.

Now I'm not saying that you should date the creeper staring at you in the corner, licking his lips, but what I am saying is that you shouldn't discredit someone just because they don't match your ideal man, you never know, they could be the Yin to your Yang.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

No Follow Through

You have been waiting all week for this. The Saturday night date. They promised you butterflies and rocket ships and you are more excited than you've been in a long while.

You shoot the potential a text earlier in the day and get....


No worries, you think, maybe they're still stuck in bed after a crazy night.

So you keep going about your day.

Then it gets closer to the time, and shoot another text.

And you get...


Now you're kind of irked, it's like 4 o'clock and really no one should still be sleeping unless they have the flu, and you hope to God they don't have it, but you're pretty sure they don't.

Now, barring serious illness, family/close friend emergency, or a car crash, the following information stands as is.

So it's about an hour before hand, and you're getting ready hoping that maybe they'll show up, but you're not too sure. So you give them a call.


It's the point of your day where your emotions have hit an all time low. You've been turning down plans from your friends all day, because you have a date, which is supposed to be out of this world, but your magic night is now seemingly out of your grasp because Joe Schmo isn't answering his phone.

You could call again, and maybe get a response about how, OMG I totes forgot, but the odds are you're going to get voicemail... again.

Point of the matter is if this person cares enough about you, then they should have the respect for you to let you know that they aren't going to be able to make it, or that they had an emergency.

But if they just aren't making the effort to return your calls, then it's probably in your best interest to call up your friends and make evening plans with them to replace the ruined date night.

Why sit at home, waiting for the phone to ring, moping and eating caramel coconut brownies, when instead you could be eating caramel coconut brownies in a group, commiserating with people who know what you're going through.

Now if your date for an event isn't returning your phone calls and it's an hour or two before a huge gala where you paid for two people, then it's time to hit up that phonebook. An important friend that every single girl needs is that platonic straight/or gay friend that is there for you no matter what. She/He's the one you call when you need a jar opened or a light bulb changed or a helping hand to move your belongings out of your recent exes apartment, during a snow storm.

So if you don't have that platonic straight/or gay friend, you really need to start looking for one of these first, prior to whole dating game, because that friend can be the difference between wasting $50 on a ticket for a no show, and having a great night with good friends.

In conclusion, a man/woman with no follow through will only continue to disappoint you in the long run, and who needs the stress of wondering if this time they'll show up for the next date or the next event or the next thing when you need them to be there for you. It's better to cut your losses and find someone who values your time and respects you.

Cut and Run

If you have been a smart dater in the DC area, you've been dating a few people in various ranges of seriousness. Unless that's just not how you roll and then you've been dating just the one or not at all.

But there comes a time in nearly every relationship where it's time to shank a relationship, by which I mean, kill it and run away.

It sounds gruesome I know, but the idea is that of a bandaid, that the quick act of killing a relationship dead is the best.

But how do you know when?
Probably when they've stopped calling... texting... or emailing/messaging you. I'd say that's the safest time to shank it and be done, but in that case they might have shanked you.

So we come to the question of how to do a preemptive shank before you're left wondering, "but he wanted to hook up all of my friends with all of his friends, and now he clearly doesn't even want to hook up with me," or "but weren't we going grocery shopping?"


1. You can see in their eyes the following emotions: shame, hate, disgust, anger, lust (as he/she looks at another person), or fear (BLINDING fear).
2. They don't hug/kiss/f(*% you anymore or have clearly no urge to do so in the future.
3. They stop making plans. If you typically had a weekly/bi-weekly date night/ coffee break/ study break/ eating session and those plans stop happening/ the other party no longer attempts to plan them and they seem uninterested when you try to plan them, probably time to let go.
4. They begin to talk about/ walk about/ eat about/ flirt about with other girls/boys. (even worse if it's in front of you).
5. They ignore you. (I'm not talking you think they're ignoring you, I'm talking they've seen you sitting in the coffee shop, have made eye contact and then run the other way ignoring you). *This feeling here, is probably the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my entire life.
6. They become "busy," for no reasonable reason, and you seem to have the following conversation over and over.
You Call: HEY Hon, how goes it?
Them: Good Good, you?
You: It's crazy, but I just wanted to call and see if we're still on for thursday
Them: Oh, wow, I'm sorry, I don't think so... I'm really busy.
You: well what about next week sometime?
Them: Well I just have so much on next week, and the next, it's not looking so good either.
7. They begin to use you.
Characterized by:
A. They have a long-distance girlfriend they never see, but seem to think dating you would be a great idea.
B. They seem to be only calling you after ten p.m. to see you that night.
C. Can we say, BUY ME SOMETHING.
D. Only will see you in public holding hands at events, never ask you to hang out one on one in private.
8. Your own disinterest.

Some of these you might disagree with. My suggestion is that if you begin to notice a slew of these while in a dating relationship, then maybe it's time to cut your losses and look for a successful relationship elsewhere.

Why? Because you deserve someone who will fight to be with you. You deserve more than just a cursory (or none at all) text message every week or two. You deserve the happiness that you know you deserve.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Where'd ya meet... well... uh... um?

I met him, online.

No, but really.

I'm not quite sure why that phrase frightens to the extent it does. The social connotations of meeting someone online are still considered negative, though slightly improved over 5 years ago.

I still remember while in high school, my brother's girlfriend IMed me, they'd met online and while I had yet to meet her, she was still very interested in getting to know me, even though she wouldn't have that chance in person till much later.

People believe that meeting someone online is like the last desperate search for true love.

I disagree.

Online dating is a proactive way in which to further your search for a soul mate/ date/ activity partner. If you look around yourself and wonder, where are all the cute men? Why haven't I met someone? When is he going to arrive? Then you must also ask yourself, what am I doing in order to make my love life happen.

People who join online dating services usually realize that while they haven't found perfection around them, they are extremely hopeful that perfection exists and they are willing to take the risk, virtually, to meet them. It's no different than going into a bar and picking and choosing that way, in fact finding a person online might be even better.

Here's why:
1. While E-harmony doesn't use a picture and a paragraph, it's still more information than you would get from just blindly choosing a guy in a bar, and sites like E-harmony and Match.com and all the ones you pay for, usually offer an in depth personality profile of the person, viewable, before you even send them a hello. Sure, you have the 360 degree view of in person, but by reading that paragraph, you can already tell a person's personality, judgement, thought process, and relationship goals.

If you can get all that from just saying, I choose you at a club, I'd be baffled.

2. You don't have to do anything you aren't ready for. Most people will say, I dont have to do anything in person either, but here's what I mean, If I'm at a bar and it's closing time and George has just asked for my number... I'm far more likely to say, yeah, than I am to say, here's my digits to a guy on the internet... why? Because by getting to know someone through Iming or emailing, you have the ability to STOP responding and not have to look the guy in the face and say no. (A plus for the shy people in the crowd)

3. He/She's not DRUNK. I don't have to point out the serious advantages of this idea.
If you meet someone while drunk, what are the odds, they'll remember you in the morning? What are the odds that that they'll puke on you/grab you/ manhandle you? While alcohol is the social lubricant, the girl that has not only made out with me, but also my best friend, is probably not the girl you want to bring home to mother... unless she has thoroughly redeemed herself a year later and proven to be quite awesome.

4. Bars = Alcohol = Goodtime = Loosey Goosey
When you go to a bar, what are you looking for? Depending on who you are you could be looking for a number of things, usually I go to hang out with friends, hit up my favorite bartenders, and potentially dance the night away. Some people however use bars as their personal sex buffet. What do I mean? I mean that some people literally go to bars with the direct intention of meeting someone, giving them lots of drinks, have a good time, then have and GREAT time, if you catch my drift.

Odds are, morning after, you have to crawl out of their bed at 6:00 a.m., hailing a cab and forgetting your knickers. It is possible to find people who are into the above, but if you're not into that, online dating offers you a plethora of means in order to get to know someone, before you get to KNOOOOW someone.

I am not saying that online dating is an answer to all of your prayers, but what I am saying is that, if you're looking for something a bit more serious than a nightly fling, you might want to consider alternatives (not just the internet) to clubs/bars in your search of Mr/Mrs Right.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Do you have a Fever?

I might not be Dr. Laura, but I have noticed an upsurge in the illnesses associated with love. Feverish with love is no longer an expression, my loyal readers. NO. In fact, you might find yourself burdened with some of the diseases on my list.

1. Paranoid Lovamania - The uncontrollable belief that EVERYONE, is in love with you. The man at the bar. The girl on the bus. The dog peeing on the hydrant.

Sufferers complain of feeling like everyone is looking at them lecherously.

2. Charmavirus - A horrid virus where the sufferer becomes infected with the charms of those around them. They're easily susceptible to bad pick-up lines, winking, and offers to buy them ponies.

3. LTRitis - Long Term Relationshipitis is an infectious disease, whose symptoms include the need to be in multiple long term relationships, back to back, without exploring what else is out there.

4. Analyticologist - The Study of Analyzing what happened to you five minutes ago. An Analyticologist is in the business of overanalyzing every word, every gesture, and every thought regarding their potential/significant other. They constantly are pondering the third and fourth meaning of every statement.

i.e., Actual Statement: "Hi!"

Double Meaning, "I want you."

Third Meaning, "I hate you."

Fourth meaning, "Those shoes do not go with those socks, but if you'll come a bit closer I can forget about it.... for just one night."

5. Daterphrenia - Someone who frenziedly dates everyone in sight, within their own mind. They consistently turn people down, because they can never surpass the relationships they've already had, mentally, with George Clooney, Angelina Jolie, or Lil' Wayne.

6. Handteria - "-teria" is the suffix for an establishment that is self service... Handteria therefor means that you need to figure this one out for yourself.

7. Hate Pox - A rash of ill-contemplated/judged decisions about whether or not a person likes you. Usually makes the sufferer believe unsupported that their crush/significant other actually hates them, no matter what anyone else tells them.

8. Burly Fever - An elevated desire, well above the normal range, towards people who are burly.

Symptoms include searching for the largest, though slightly muscled person in a room and seeking out their companionship.

9. Shotgun Disorder - A need so intense that when it occurs, the sufferer believes that in order to maintain their current relationship, they need to produce a pregnancy.

10. Jerk Syndrome - essentially a long string of relationships with jerks, even though one knows that in the end, they'll be left empty handed, frustrated, and broken-hearted.

11. Extalgia - The constant reminisces about how great your ex is in comparison to the person you are currently seeing. Sufferers might also find that they incur extalgia when single as they pine for their past love life.

12. Intoxapareunia - The well documented need for intercourse while one is drunk. This is not a one time occurrence. People who contract intoxapareunia constantly seek out people in bars, clubs, pool halls, and proms while thoroughly intoxicated in order to engage in sexual activities.

While current medicines cannot properly alleviate the above diseases, knowing what you've contracted is the first step in recovery.

However, in our next post, we will address possible holistic medical procedures to alleviate your concerns.

Monday, October 4, 2010

The New Phase

Recently I moved into a new apartment, and as I sit and stare out my window a bit past midnight, I can't help but look at the trees. They're everywhere. The dark shadows contrasting the nightly haze of DC in the background and it made me wonder.

In a world full of darkness, how does anything stand out.


Many people become discouraged over their constant state of single. It's hard. In a metropolitan area with hundreds of thousands of singles searching for their soul mates, it can become discouraging to wake up every morning knowing that you haven't quite pinned yours down yet.

But let me illuminate the situation for you, and help a few facts stand out from the ever living shade of dark.

1. When buying a car, do you walk into the lot... shout, THAT ONE! and immediately grab it and stroll away? No. You take the time to walk around the car, check for damages, learn the features, test drive the equipment, you get a second and third opinion and then go into heated discussions with the sales man about the worth of the car and what you're willing to deal with as a price.

Shouldn't it be the same for the person that you're supposed to spend the REST of your life with (We're pretending divorce doesn't exist). Cars only last for what? 10-20 years before you have to replace the engine or do a total re haul? A soul mate is in theory, for life. That means you're not just checking to see if this person is supposed to be with you for the next 10-20 years as a car would, it means that you're searching for someone who fits you like the contoured leather seats of an Audi R8 or the fabric comfort and safety rating of a Honda Civic.

2. When painting a room, properly... there are so many steps... and if the room previously has 20 layers of paint or 13 layers of wallpaper, you have to peel back the layers to find the actual wall... Then once you get to that true wall, it takes time, and effort to perfect the turnout.
You don't just toss a slab of paint on the wall and walk away... To truly discover the heart of a person, it takes time and effort, it also takes that same time and effort to leave your mark on their heart, and if you do it right and properly, the mark you leave might be ever lasting. Painting takes time, it takes a primer, and at least two coats, it also takes time to dry and to look at how it works within your room. I'm not saying go window shopping for a guy or to make a girl look exactly how you want her. I'm saying that like the time and struggle it takes to paint a room, finding your perfect "shade" takes a while.

and finally

3. Stop. Look around you on the street. You might complain about never meeting someone... but how often do you pass people on your way to work/school/eye doctor appointments? Like I said, there are hundreds of thousands of singles in the metro area... don't limit yourself to only the people you know, right now.

Let's be honest, saying you met a guy at a bar, doesn't sound like a great story to run home and tell mom about. Saying, well I was walking across a cross walk, when this gorgeous fellow smiled at me... I dropped my bag and he picked it up, helped me across and we stopped for some coffee... No but really?! Doesn't that sound amazing!? (Minus the part where you're clumsy). The majority of people aren't observant. They don't look around them when they're walking. People don't take the time to actually LOOK at the people around them. When walking with friends, sometimes I'll say, "wow did you see that whack hat that guy was wearing." They usually respond, "what guy? I didn't see anybody wearing a hat." Did you know that most people who are mugged, only remember the color of the person's skin... The key here is being observant, you NEVER know who you'll meet if you just take the time to look around and smile at the people walking past.

I don't have perfect advice, and I don't have all the answers, but this here... these little tidbits of hope, might help you begin a new phase in your life... a new phase where you actually do land the prince.