Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Cure.

Last month, I posted the hit post, "Do you have a Fever?" and promised the cures to the fevers mentioned.

This is the answer to your problems. The Cure for your love illnesses.

1. Paranoid Lovamania - As you stand in the check out line, determined that the guy in front of you is madly in love with you, imagine that he has a wife, a kid, or a girlfriend whom he's going home to right this minute. Imagine their very very happy life together and then realize, you play no part.

As someone passes by you staring uncontrollably, with what you are sure is lust, look down at your clothing, odds are, you have a stain, something's unbuttoned, or you have chocolate on your face.

Begin to realize and accept that people are making eye contact with you, because it's the courteous and right thing to do. Accept that people out there in the world, aside from just those raised in Texas, can and do make eye contact as a sign of respect, not because they're looking for a way into your affections.

2. Charmavirus - Maintain a safe distance to your friends when talking to these charming people. If something seems clich├ęd then it probably is, don't fall for the tricks in their book, realize that they are playing you in a game of poker you can't afford to lose. Find flaws. Find them quick or you might wind up flat on your back in a flat somewhere in the North East part of DC with no way of getting home.

3. LTRitis - The next time you escape from the holds of a Long Term Relationship. Make it a personal goal of yours to date a certain amount of people, before you consider becoming serious again. If one of these people you date seems to have potential, continue to date them, but also continue to date others until your sure that this is the one you want to spend the next 3 years of your life with.

4. Analyticologist - Stop. Run by the exact actions or words of the crush with someone of the opposite sex or someone whom you know to be very very blunt. Odds are, their actions and words are meant in the exact way they were said or done, without any other thought behind them. Your shoes are fine, they don't hate you and while they might want you, they're probs not going to just walk up to you in broad daylight and say so.

5. Daterphrenia - Being excessively guilty of this illness myself, I personally think nothing is wrong with daterphrenia within reason, ie you realize that they're fake relationships, but if you seem to only be living relationships out through your head and not living them in person, then you might need to broaden your horizons and actually go on a date. While your 3 year relationship with Angelina Jolie seems perfect, unless you're Brad Pitt, it's imaginary and you need to seek a healthy outlet for your love, versus only imagining that you're in a relationship.

6. Handteria - I just really don't want to talk about how to fix this. I'm no Christine O'Donnell, but this is a compulsion that is far beyond me explaining how to deal with it, especially if you have a legit problem with it.

7. Hate Pox - Step back, think of all the people that actually love you. Your friends, family, or pets, and realize that you are a person who has love coming at you from every direction, the odds of your crush actually hating you, unless you've shot and killed their dog or ran over their foot, is very unlikely. Just accept that they have yet to have a sufficient amount of time to get to know you and appreciate you as much as you appreciate them. Maybe in the future they might hate you for some unknown reason, but believing that they hate you without warrant is ill-imagined.

8. Burly Fever - You have the need to feel protected. If you think that this is detrimental to your life, then take self defense classes and learn how to protect yourself, otherwise, accept that burly men are just white knights looking for a damsel in distress, and you just happen to need saving.

9. Shotgun Disorder - If you have to get pregnant to keep a guy. Odds are he isn't worth keeping in the first place or maybe you need to reevaluate your current situation and figure out why he desires to leave you. This could include talking to a counselor, or sitting down one on one with your significant other.

10. Jerk Syndrome - If he seems like a jerk, then don't date him. If he starts to blow you off, he's a jerk. If he hits you, he's a jerk. If he kicks little puppies, he's a jerk. If he complains about how horrible your cooking is, he's jerk. If he starts sleeping with someone else, he's a jerk. Dating him, is only going to hurt you. Find a nice guy, and date him instead.

11. Extalgia - There was a reason the two of you separated. Relive that reason. If extalgia still occurs, relive the pain, anger and frustration which occurred with the break up. It's painful. It sucks, and there is no reason you should have to relive that. Yes, you had many a happy time, but the pain isn't worth attempting again for a few brief moments of happiness amidst it.

12. Intoxapareunia - If you seem to only have intercourse with people while drunk. You probably have a problem. The way to cure this is to simply, not become inebriated. If you are at a party and feel yourself beginning to become tipsy, then you might want to start drinking water. Another way to avoid intoxication is to space out your drinking while also drinking water. And while you're thinking, but that doesn't sound like any fun, remember how much fun it was to wake up next to Victor the Janitor or Sally the Stripper yesterday, and maybe you'll think more positive about sobriety.

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