Monday, January 16, 2012

Jeepers You're a Creeper

So anyone whose hung out with me for longer than an hour usually knows I'm down for internet dating. I think it's an awesome place to reach outside your normal haunts to find people whom you could be compatible with, without all the alcohol and questionable morals lingering around the bar at last call.

I'll save you all the awesome benefits of internet dating, because in truth if you don't know them, then you're just being a bit too narrow minded. Yeah I said it. It's the 21st century and if you haven't accepted that the internet is a staple in our lives and normal people seem to hang out on it and seem to use it with alarming frequency, then you're being narrow minded or old-fashioned, which puts you on the side of the town in the musical the Music Man in regards to the new Pool Table (If you don't get this... it's not my fault).


With all that said...

There are some fruity-loops out there.


A few weeks ago I got a Plenty of Fish chat request from this guy we're going to call Parker.

Now Parker wasn't the cutest guy on the face of the planet, but he reminded me of one of my favorite bartenders, and I like to give guys a chance if they pass the "I wont vomit if you kiss me test."


I accepted, and we started talking.

To say the conversation was amazing would be an understatement. In the period of the next 4 hours, I was laughing my ass off in between bouts of serious conversation about goals and dreams and how ours seemed to line up perfectly.

After hour 4, I was convinced that Parker was the man of my dreams. He was awesome. He was charming. He was driven. He was starting to look kinda cute. He was funny. He had dreams and a life plan, and I knew that we were going to be together forever...

Posts were put up on all my major social media sites about how I'd found my husband and to plan for a December 12th wedding at 12:12 pm.

Sometimes I let my hopes get ahead of me...

The conversation went so well, I gave Parker my phone number, and we planned a date for two weekends hence, because like with everything in my life including my new future husband, I have apprehensions about moving forward too quickly, and I wanted to give some time to make sure that we still had a connection in 2 weeks, versus a quick whirlwind affair.

He didn't even make it 2 days before I started to feel... bothered by some of his texts (all texts in ORIGINAL format).

"I miss U so much. U want to cuddle with me dont u?
"The night is so cold, but u know u make me feel warm inside, right?"
"U R just the most amazing, beautiful girl Ive met, ever." <--Duh! But you DONT KNOW ME.
"I don't liek to date multiple girls, so I just hope that you're not dating anyone else, but me."

Keep in mind readers... I've never met this man. 

I've never had coffee with him.
Never accidentally passed him in the streets.
Never bumped into him in the book store.
Never met him for a date.
Never cuddled in his arms or even so much as touched his elbow.

I would put the specifics in, but someone might know him and then I get in trouble for slander, but essentially the guy hasn't even moved into the area yet, but is instead putting out feelers for when he does in a few weeks, and was gonna date me long distance until he found an apartment in the area.

So, over the week the texts kept getting better... and better... and creepier... and way creepier.

"Ure so far away, I wish u were in my arms."
"Do U have a facebook, we should be friends, because ure just the best."
"Maybe I could stay with you for a few weeks."
"When I see you next, ur going to be in my arms all night."
"U haven't responded in a while, do u still like me?"



You creep me out.

(Some creepy monster from a Scooby Doo episode, found here)

If you've been reading for awhile you'll remember the drama with the MARINE (who may or may not have gotten his new girlfriend of a couple of months preggers. Lucked out on that one ladies and gents!).

I don't do well with clingy.

And I really don't do well with clingy from a guy I've never met.

So Parker the Husband was deleted from my phone, and I refuse to respond to his consistent barrage of "do you not like me anymore" texts, because (1) I never met you. (2) You sure as fuck can't live with me for a few weeks, and (3) I don't have time for your self doubting issues, because I have a life to live, which involves a lot of business, and chillness where I don't particularly like to answer text messages.

Unless I KNOW you... and they're stimulating, with new exciting information, or promises to hang out later, or the latest gossip on which sister is engaged, or promises to hang out later in a stimulating way... like Scrabble. <--- yes, that's what I'm calling it.

This post is really about taking a grain of salt with every thrilling person you meet.

It's not about falling off the horse because a friggin creeper jumped out infront of you, but instead looking for the normal people on internet dating, because they exist.

In fact, I have a date  tomorrow with a normal person (fingers crossed) found off of my favorite dating site, the OkCupid, and I'm psyched. He seems for all intents and purposes normal with a bit of quirk, and I love a good bout of quirky as long as it's not served with a side of creeptastic.

So just make sure the next time you jump on the OkCupid or POF that you're not sending out the creeper vibe. It should take more than a couple of weeks before you even suggest moving in with me. Or cuddling with me for that matter.

What happened to men who take their time, and let relationships blossom into something more than just a few days of "[I'm going to eat your] liver with some fava beans and a nice chiante?" Hmm?!

What this generation of daters needs is a healthy dose of patience and humble pie, ladies and gentlemen. Don't assume every girl you meet just wants to cuddle up with you on the couch of love and watch, The Way We Were.

Patience is needed in all aspects of life, especially dating, because if you rush headfirst into dating someone you met off a dating website too quickly, you become the Hannibal Lector of the Internet.

Happy Dating!


  1. Omg omg omg.
    This is great in a horrible way.
    And have fun on your date. You'll rock it because you're awesome!

    1. Haha, it was quite the experience!


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