Thursday, July 22, 2010

How to Avoid Nausea When... Movies

You're single.
You're watching a movie... alone for the fifth time since Monday, and it's only Tuesday, when for the fifth time since Monday the two lead characters start macking out so hard core that you should probably cover your eyes to give them some privacy.

If you're anything like me this will lead to several emotions.
Emotion 1. Awww - this is the immediate emotion to hit. You feel happy for the characters, because they've taken 2hours of your life to get to this point, and you feel like they deserve it.

Emotion 2. Get a Room - This emotion hits when you've passed the Awww stage and to be perfectly honest, you're kind of tired of watching these two characters snog each other.

Emotion 3. Divert the Eyes. - They've been kissing for about a minute of valuable screen time and they're still wasting everyone's time making out, and O.M.G. did he just feel her up. You look away because you begin to fell like you're intruding.

Emotion 4. But I Paid Money for This - Pretty self explanatory. You look back up to the screen because you paid to see this bloody movie and you're going to watch every gosh darn last minute of it.

Emotion 5. Cringing - They've been kissing for nearly 2 minutes and while you would love to be sticking your tongue down Robert Downey Jr.'s Throat, you really don't want to watch Penelope Cruz do so, especially since she has that hottie of a husband Javier Bardem.

Emotion 6. Nausea - You begin to realize that Robert Downey Jr., Russel Crowe, and Gerard Butler (insert female stars if you're into them) are so far out of your league that you just can't begin to fathom how many light years they are away from you, and then you start to get queasy because now Penelope has his shirt off and pushed him onto a bed, and here you are minding your own business just trying to watch a movie and you my friend have to watch the man you want to have babies with and the actress whose guts you currently hate have a glorious romp in the hay.

So how do we avoid this. We have a few ways to handle it.
One. Have a magazine handy so that when they start to make out, you can read about tax fraud in Time or Angelina's hair secrets in Vogue.
Two. Walk out to go to the bathroom.
Three. Don't watch sappy romantic movies where you know someone is getting some kiss.
Four. Move On.

Recently I've noticed singles, waisting more time hating couples, than they waste scoping out potentials on craigslist. If you're reading this, hopefully, you're an adult, and hopefully you still have an ounce of sanity left to your name. Every one goes through relationships and whether you're in a dry spell or rolling in the honey, it's hard to watch other couples exchange intimacies, and I know it's hard to be happy for other people especially movie stars, when you're having a rough time of it, but remember that it's fake (unless you're watching Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin on TrueBlood) and that you'll find someone. Avoiding gut-wrenching nausea during intense physical and emotional scenes in movies can be hard if you don't have a little hope that when the time's right, you'll find your future.

So I'm not saying run away from the movies... I'm saying run away from expecting instant gratification... have some patience... It'll be worth it.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Comments? Questions? Interactions?