Wednesday, May 25, 2011

And Burn

Mr. Perfect is perfect... for his current girlfriend. Clearly someone else recognized all of his marvelous qualities past the rough exterior.

Oh yes, I trotted over to Mr. Perfect's apartment the other evening and noticed some rather odd things for a single man to have in a one bedroom apartment, which he supposedly occupies by himself... like, A Second Toothbrush. A package of lady's razors (when there was already a man's razor on the counter). A large collection of scented candles arranged beautifully on a series of decorative plates (I know because I recently did this myself at my apartment). A pair of female slippers in the closet, which I guarantee he did not buy for my feet because they were a 7 and I'm a 9-10. They also appeared worn and since he's a size 14, I don't see him wearing them. They also had a giant rhinestone, so again... not so much on him wearing them.

And I know what you're thinking, why were you in his closet... I was hanging up my suit jacket. It was hot and that jacket was unnecessarily warm, and he didn't want it laying where the dog could tear it to pieces. Pssssh, I didn't want it laying about where the dog could tear it to pieces.

There was also the women's soap and hand lotion (you're thinking maybe he likes the smell, but I have never seen a straight man shopping in bed, bath and beyond, much less a boutique lotion shop, which is clearly where these were purchased from). As we were sitting on the couch watching some bizarre crime show, he began searching for running t-shirts for a race he's doing soon... and he started out looking up standard running shirt, but then he wasn't looking up male shirts... he was looking up female shirts (maybe he's thinking for switching for the other team, but lady shirts aren't going to fit him)...

And separate, I can surmise that yes it is possible that he might be single and his sister stays over on the couch and he's buying a shirt for a friend to race in, etc..., but the nail in the coffin was when he suggested a snack, so I followed him into the kitchen to pop some popcorn. He opened the cabinet and there in the top was 3 boxes of cereal. You might think Rose, everyone probably has cereal, but no, on our first date he mentioned his loathing of all things cereal. Something he discovered when he was 12. So if he's not eating the opened boxes of cereal... who is?

So, this plethora of findings has just reinforced my need to ask 3 very important questions on every first date, and while I might sound like an interrogator, I'm tired of finding myself in the same position, 2-3 months down the road. With nothing to show for it but another story to add to the Memoir about how I learned how to do x-y and z.

1. Are you single?
2. Did you just get out of an engagement or marriage?
3. What are you looking for?

I know what you're thinking. I was supposed to ask similar questions after the Married Man, but here's why I didn't. 4 hour phone conversations, an epic first date, followed by meeting the friends, and him asking to meet mine, holding hands, going out for a holiday, long walks, and a plethora of vollied texts, in depth conversations about life and blah blah blah... I could list these traits of someone interested in dating you, which he did for days, but I wont, because it's starting to piss. me. off. I'm really starting to consider how the (908) area code could potentially be a breeding ground for cheating bastards... Either he thinks I'm just horribly dumb and unobservant, or he's highly unintelligent.

So as Mr. Perfect rides off into the sunset with his Sade, Sade, Girlfriend Lady, I hope his horse trips.

1 comment:

  1. Gertold6/24/2011

    i can't stop laughing, i'm sorry. also, that last paragraph, that is how i court each and every one of my male friends. maybe you just read it all wrong.


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