Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Bad and the Ugly, OkCupid

Some of my most favorite messages I've received from the OkCupid. These are the messages in their entirety, names may be changed to protect them from embarrassment.

So that some of these make sense, you'll need to know that my profile features a picture of me shooting a gun, talking about my love of semi-colons, and a horrific gumbo making experience where I melted a spoon into the food and then ate it. As for what I ask of the men folk - I want them to look like lumberjacks, not have girlfriends, and since I dislike chasing men they have to chase me. (It's the little things really).

The regular writing is the message, anything in italics is my opinion...

Wow, too cool, but I hate math and stopped reading when it got technical. 

I too like semi-colons (he said not using a semi-colon...)

... Who refers to themselves in third person while trying to impress a girl, she pondered. 

hey,so its really funny that you like austin grill. i know you were one of the many people in Bethesda that was mad that it closed in the area. funny that you go all the way to DC when theres one in Silver Spring. I only tease you about it bc i work at the one in Silver Spring. Also feel like you about the Eagles being a disappointment

Free salsa? Yes? Please? Thank you! 

Just a small time girl living in a lonely world, She took the midnight train to dc and then she found me

This stopped being cute when you got the lyrics wrong. ALSO metro seldom runs past midnight... 

Have to admit, I'm a bit curious about your fascination with men who chop wood. I know the perfect man for you though, he was 10 when I taught him to swing an axe. You'll just have to wait a few years, because it wasn't that long ago :p 

Are you encouraging pedophilia?! 

haha, you ate plastic gumbo. wow. You seem neat. Im neat. We should meet. wow that was corny...!!!

hey i have a question for you I noticed you viewed my page but didnt say anything, can u tell me what turned u off about it if you dont mind, oh and u being able to shoot does make u awesome

Do not send these messages. Just DON'T. 

"if you want me, come get me" Priceless! What's your name? I wouldn't mind chasing you down the rabbit hole.

You make this chasing thing difficult; I don't really send out messages, because I figure they get buried with dozens of others from 46-year-old married men. Of course, I could just be an incredibly handsome 46-year-old man who lies about his age... 
Anyway, you had me at guns and steak. That's refreshing from the average 'I work at so-and-so leftwing nonprofit "saving the world!" and looooove NPR!' ... so, thanks for being from Texas first off. Second, for this lumberjack thing... do I have to start wearing plaid?

You should have started this by attaching a photo of yourself in plaid... bonus points. 

So my friends say I move too fast but I'm going to go on a limb here... will you marry me? Shoot... I meant to say hi :)

This never works... unless I'm drunk. 

Hey There, 

Your gumbo story made me laugh, probably more than it should have. I haven't made gumbo from scratch in awhile but I make a mean shrimp/sausage gumbo. The real question is, do you like Okra or not? 
Anyway, a bit more about me... 
... (This went on for 750 more words... I checked)... 
Hope to hear from you soon, 

An essay? You send me an essay?

Hey, you should take down that picture on your profile.


Sadly, I'm not a lumberjack. BUT! I do own flannel and I've cut down a tree. So...that counts, right? 
One of my close friends is from Texas. And to be honest, I'm a little scared of her. Actually, come to think of it, she's the only girl to have ever punched me. I'm pretty sure I didn't deserve it... 
I hope all is well with you!

I deeply regret to inform you that you are above and beyond our maximum standards in looks. 
You are clearly a 9/10 and here on OkCupid we only allow 6/10 maximum. 
Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your name, favorite flower, how many cheetos you can fit in your mouth at once (just curious), and if you prefer Italian or Chinese take out. 
This message should not be taken lightly as it may anger my boss, Poseiden, lord of the seas. 

Points for creativity. However I just had an image of you killing me in my sleep. So no. 

lets see 
can cook gumbo; 
Might pick up a hitchhiker; 
thats okay one extra person to invite to a gumbo dinner party ; 
if it gets out of hand you can point the gun at the hitchhiker and force him to cuddle;
I can tell tall tales too :) and use semicolons!

 You sound like you've got a good mix of modernization and country bumpkin in ya. :P

I like to think so... 

Salutations, on lumberjacks, do you professionals or do you mean just someone whose cut down a tree and chopped it for wood?

Hey I liked your profile and was hoping we could chat. I like that you love pizza. I work for a dominos and can get you all the free pizza you want. Hope that gives me a bonus lol. Hope to hear from you. 

If you had worked at Ledo's we'd already be married. 

I'm 6'3", 240 pounds and I stay in shape by boxing and splitting logs for I can sit by my fireplace during winter and drink..and wonder why I don't have a doberman. I look like a lumberjack. First time a woman's asked for that specifically lol. 

You lost me at doberman. . . 

Hey, what's up? Usually, I run the oppossite direction from DC girls, but since your from BethASSda I guess that's some sort of technicality. Anyway, if you'd like to chat sometime hit me up!

There is not a single picture of my ass in my profile... try again. 


  1. Has your About Me photo changed? I like it.

    I ... don't understand most of these. Are these supposed to be messages trying to say hi?

  2. Yeeeah, these are the first message that guys sent to me in order to just say, "hi."

  3. I've been thinking about doing something similar with the OkC messages I get! Also, we were messaged by the same guy, word for word. (Mr. Will you marry me?) Sometimes I can't help laughing hysterically (or being utterly dismayed) at the messages from this site.

  4. HAHA! Clearly he's a serial proposer!Some of the ones I've gotten just blow my mind. What are these people thinking?! I had a ton of good ones on my POF account, but they delete them after a certain time period :(


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