Unavailable? I'm Done!

You have a girlfriend? I love you.
You have a fiance? I want you.
You're too busy to date? Shit, let's do it.
You're leaving in a month? Why are we not dating!?
You don't live in DC? How fast can you be on skype?
You don't want to settle down? Well, shit I do. You'll change! Let's get married. No?

I have a problem, scratch that. Problems can be fixed. I have an ISSUE.

I like, no. I love, no. I'm absolutely head over heels for unavailable men.

The chase. The unending, never going to win chase is what I live for every moment. For me, the chase is better than the success. It's this continuous high, this rush of adrenaline wondering whether or not he actually likes me or whether he's going to respond. Some people choose to do coke, I do unavailable men. Neither one is really good for you, but eh. Whatchya gonna do.



But there's the rub...

As I'm chasing after everyone NOT worth having, the quality men that are chasing me are getting kicked to the curb like sad puppies.

Hence, I am a horrible human being.

But here's the thing... it's not that I don't appreciate the quality men who are fighting their way into my affections. I see them. I recognize quality when I see it, but they don't want to participate in my favorite part of the courting ritual... competitive flirting. They want romance. They want to dote me with flowers and chocolates and romantic comedies, while I -reeeeally - want to be doted on with witty one liners that make me blush as I rush to come back with a retort.

Hence why I'm still running around like a single chicken with my head cut off.

But readers. I am making a pledge.

And some of you should probably make this pledge with me, but I'm not going to force anyone.

For the month of OssumOctober, I - LoRo will go on no dates with, hang out with, or text, or call, or message, or tweet, or email, or snail mail any man who does not initiate the contact first. If I have to chase them, then they're more than likely 100% unavailable, emotionally or otherwise.

I just felt a little piece of my soul die while making that pledge, but I must stay strong.

Because it is a well established FACT that when I chase after a man one of four things happen.
1. FWB, not saying it's bad, just not what I want.
2. Date for a few months then they disappear into the ether or Singapore.
3. They either just got out of being engaged or married and are emotionally unavailable, and they're just looking for a rebound (and me thinking I can change them latch on like those little fish that clean the side of aquariums).
4. They move to a different state within a month.

And since I want NONE of that for the time being, I'm going to stop doing what I do best and instead wait, which is not going to be pretty. To be perfectly honest OssumOctober is going to be very, very brutal.

I'm going to go through serious withdrawals, severe anxiety, and have to face my fears of loneliness and abandonment head-on.

It's about my wavering standards. It's about finding and dating quality. And it's about trying something out of my comfort zone, because what I've been doing for the last few years clearly is not working.

So raise a glass (because I'm going to need a shit ton of drinks to get through this) and salut to OssumOctober.


Also, found this interesting post regarding chasing men while looking for pictures to accompany this blog post, check it out!

Casual Relationships Defined

There's been a lot of tweets in the twittersphere about FWBs being bad or girls getting too involved with them or people interchanging the meaning of a Fuck Buddy with that of a FWB, and I've started to get a little frustrated. (O.k. so mostly I'm frustrated with the HORRIBLE DC DRIVERS, but it rolled over into my script writing, and then bounced over into people calling the Bartender my Booty Call - a booty call is a thing, not a person... )

Casual Relationships seem difficult to define because they're just that, casual. As opposed to the more rigid lines of boyfriend/girlfriend, or fiance, or husband. But they do in fact have CLEAR distinctions that people should really get to understand.

FWB - a friend with whom you have a sexual relationship. Like all friends this is NOT your only relationship, it's in addition to a healthy dating life. (For example you have your group of close friends, but say you get a girlfriend. You still have those friends. They still exist. They didn't fall off the face of the planet because you suddenly found a girlfriend. But say you meet a cool person and you bring them into your circle, they're a new friend. You still date outside of that new friend, because your friendship isn't exclusive. SO a FWB is a friend with whom you share a casual sexual relationship).

Fuck Buddy - A sexual relationship that blurs no boundaries. Sex. That's it. You go in, you bounce about, and you LEAVE. However, because there's no emotional connection odds are someone in the fuck buddy relationship will strive to connect to the other partner, that person normally tries to make this connection at a deeper, emotional level, causing the Fuck Buddy relationship to grow off kilter, and eventually derail.

Cuddle Buddy - A relationship that involves an extensive amount of touching/cuddling/holding. It may or may not include making out, but it does not include sex. As soon as a hand dips down into the pants, this ceases to be a cuddle buddy and instead evolves into either a fuck buddy or a FWB. A Cuddle Buddy is not exclusively just cuddling, but can be/ and in most cases is, a friend with whom you cuddle.

One-Night-Stand - A sexual relationship which can either be 3rd base worthy or homerun worthy (if you catch my drift), where no further relationship is pursued. As soon as you pursue a second night of mind blowing baseball metaphors, this drifts over into the Fuck Buddy Category.

Booty Call - A text or phone call that has an explicit meaning. Sex. It can happen at any time of the day, contrary to popular belief. You can argue with me until you're blue in the face, but if you're only getting booty calls at night, it's because the person doing the calling is either booty calling someone else during the day or working.

Affair - when one parter of a relationship, goes outside of that relationship for sexual gratification.

Emotional Affair - when one partner of a relationship, goes outside of that relationship for a deeper emotional connection that they feel is missing from the relationship.

Sexting Affair - when one partner of a relationship, goes outside of that relationship for sexting gratification, normally because the other partner in the relationship will not sext. I personally did not know that this was actually a thing until a man with a Fiance texted me very EXPLICITLY things that he wanted to do to me. Ugh, ugh, let me vom a little in my mouth real quick. If you're already having a sexting affair less than a month into your engagement, you're probably not going to last. Especially when I send her those pictures... really people?! REALLY? When I turn my phone on after the midnight showing of Harry Potter, I don't want to open my phone to see your Ron Weasley. Gag.

Sexting Harassment - When a person whom you used to date doesn't get the message that you're no longer interested, due to their bizarre deviances and the fact they were a jerk, and sends you unwanted sexual pictures/texts in order to entice you back into their affections. Okay, so the term is actually more broad, when someone sends you unwanted sexts, but really... can you stop?

Mistress - A female, long-term sexual companion to whom you are not married.

Paramour - A male, long-term sexual/asexual companion to whom you are not married. Usually categorized by a strong emotional or physical intimacy. The only reason I know this is because on Facebook I was "married" to a close friend for about a year, and had a string of boyfriends ask me if they could be my mistress. Now I don't know about you, but I like my men like I like my toilet paper, tough yet comfy and ripped. So, hearing typically bearded men ask if they could be a mistress was a bit creepy, so, I looked up the male version and discovered that I could call them my paramours.

If there's anything else you want defined let me know, I'll fix it up.

UPDATE:

No Strings Attached - a sexual relationship where commitment does not go hand in hand with sex, it's like if the Fuck Buddy Relationship and the FWB Relationship had a baby... (where someone didn't hand over a diamond engagement ring) This type of relationship can become murky (have you seen "No Strings Attached with Natalie Portman?) because people are typically using NSA as a sexual relationship due to not having a healthy dating life, which is where the problem comes in. As soon as you are no longer looking for emotional connections outside of the NSA Relationship, you're going to turn around and start emotionally attaching yourself to them, which is when they implode.

My Recommendation (which means you can take it or leave it) is if you're calling them something other than the person your Dating, your BF/GF, your Significant Other, your Fiance, or your Spouse - then it's a casual relationship. Casual Relationships are NOT I repeat NOT an outlet for your emotional needs. They're casual, like two ships passing in the night. Not like two ships where one is the Andrea Dorea and the other is the MS Stockholm, colliding head first into each other almost as if destiny had planned it...