Saturday, October 1, 2011

Unavailable? I'm Done!

You have a girlfriend? I love you.
You have a fiance? I want you.
You're too busy to date? Shit, let's do it.
You're leaving in a month? Why are we not dating!?
You don't live in DC? How fast can you be on skype?
You don't want to settle down? Well, shit I do. You'll change! Let's get married. No?

I have a problem, scratch that. Problems can be fixed. I have an ISSUE.

I like, no. I love, no. I'm absolutely head over heels for unavailable men.

The chase. The unending, never going to win chase is what I live for every moment. For me, the chase is better than the success. It's this continuous high, this rush of adrenaline wondering whether or not he actually likes me or whether he's going to respond. Some people choose to do coke, I do unavailable men. Neither one is really good for you, but eh. Whatchya gonna do.

But there's the rub...

As I'm chasing after everyone NOT worth having, the quality men that are chasing me are getting kicked to the curb like sad puppies.

Hence, I am a horrible human being.

But here's the thing... it's not that I don't appreciate the quality men who are fighting their way into my affections. I see them. I recognize quality when I see it, but they don't want to participate in my favorite part of the courting ritual... competitive flirting. They want romance. They want to dote me with flowers and chocolates and romantic comedies, while I -reeeeally - want to be doted on with witty one liners that make me blush as I rush to come back with a retort.

Hence why I'm still running around like a single chicken with my head cut off.

But readers. I am making a pledge.

And some of you should probably make this pledge with me, but I'm not going to force anyone.

For the month of OssumOctober, I - LoRo will go on no dates with, hang out with, or text, or call, or message, or tweet, or email, or snail mail any man who does not initiate the contact first. If I have to chase them, then they're more than likely 100% unavailable, emotionally or otherwise.

I just felt a little piece of my soul die while making that pledge, but I must stay strong.

Because it is a well established FACT that when I chase after a man one of four things happen.
1. FWB, not saying it's bad, just not what I want.
2. Date for a few months then they disappear into the ether or Singapore.
3. They either just got out of being engaged or married and are emotionally unavailable, and they're just looking for a rebound (and me thinking I can change them latch on like those little fish that clean the side of aquariums).
4. They move to a different state within a month.

And since I want NONE of that for the time being, I'm going to stop doing what I do best and instead wait, which is not going to be pretty. To be perfectly honest OssumOctober is going to be very, very brutal.

I'm going to go through serious withdrawals, severe anxiety, and have to face my fears of loneliness and abandonment head-on.

It's about my wavering standards. It's about finding and dating quality. And it's about trying something out of my comfort zone, because what I've been doing for the last few years clearly is not working.

So raise a glass (because I'm going to need a shit ton of drinks to get through this) and salut to OssumOctober.

Also, found this interesting post regarding chasing men while looking for pictures to accompany this blog post, check it out!


  1. I like this idea... I wish I had self control like this and whenever I say i'm going to do something like this I always change my mind. There is always some cute guy who isn't looking for something serious.
    but I wish you luck.

  2. So I read this and i keep returning to the same thought: Why?

    If the chase is really better than the success than why would you write it off entirely for the chance at having a "normal" or "functional" relationship? That's like saying the best part of an ice cream Sunday is the Whipped Cream but I'm going to eat ice cream without it from now on just because other people eat it that way.

    I get the idea that it's bad for you, but when you think about it, how bad is it really? Being in your 20s is all about having crappy experiences that you learn from and turn into hilarious stories to tell 10 years later when your life has become boring but you've decided to have some sort of reunion and relive the glory days. What will your stories be if you stick to this "no chase" policy?

    Finally I leave you with this thought: any guy who doesn't need to be chased has some deeply creepy dark secret that's far worse than any of the bullet points you laid out. Just remember every serial killer interview you've ever seen - "he seemed so nice and normal, polite even, he was such a good boyfriend I don't know how I didn't notice all his furniture was people."

  3. @KissingDisasters - I am a weak weak person, but for the sake of my sanity - I must stay strong. Also, I'm not saying That I'm not going to renig in a couple weeks.

    @Ruthi - Thanks, haha!

    @Chris - Why? Because I have to. Because the fairy tales are WRONG people don't want you the way you are. They want you the way they want you. And trust me, I have had enough crappy experiences to fill a book. Case in point - ANY night I went to the Times- That alone would be a very large, large book. I'm over the crap. I want quality! Hopefully my new stories will be awesome and full of happiness and butterflies and rainbows. Also, people furniture? Where did you come up with that?

  4. Good for you Laura! Over the past few years I've been gradually giving up those things that I see as harmful or not needed. It has been so rewarding every step of the way. It has been a gradual but dramatic transition and it is great! I am married though, and I can't imagine being single. Oh my! That has to be really tough. Stay strong girl! Telling myself "no" usually works out well :)


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