While I sit at my desk, the sunlight teases the edge of my arm as I click through actor's voices at work, trying to find someone who's a perfect mix of Benjamin Netanyahu and William Shakespeare.
My phone buzzes. Nope. Not words with friends, I have a text, from MrStateDepartment. (You didn't even know this guy existed did you? - For the record... he does, but according the government he doesn't. It's bizarre aka he probably works at McDonalds)
"Wanna meet up for drinks?"
"No I have plans tonight with a homie, maybe tomorrow?"
"I leave tomorrow."
"Yeah, I leave tomorrow, and I wanted to see you before I left."
As the floor beneath my desk peeled back, I watched my heart tumble from my chest, pitching down into the solemn depths below.
I knew it had been coming. I knew that I was going to get this text, but so soon. So quickly. He had just passed the greek language test 5 days ago.
Earlier that morning I had watched the most emotional movie I've ever worked on, listening to the sniffles of men holding back their tears and the rustling of kleenex as the women dried their eyes in the audience. But I had sat there like a stone. Enjoying criticizing the bad audio, so that in the next cut - it would be perfect. That's what you get when your mentor is an Audio guy, you're ober critical of the smallest hiccups.
But nary a tear.
As I tried to focus on my work after the texts, I actually couldn't breathe.
The man I had been using as a crutch; The man who gave me more dating advice in a 7-month time than I had experienced in my entire lifetime; The man I had been telling all my hopes and dreams to in attempts to ward off emotional vulnerability with the men I had actually been dating had less than 24 hours in the area, and I couldn't see the sun through my tears.
I rushed to the office bathroom as quickly as I could, because I have a rep to protect (I show no emotion) at my office, and I couldn't bear to let something else come crumbling around my ears.
I stood in the bathroom, leaning against the wall. Staring at the mirror, forcing myself to pull it together.
"Who ARE you right now? What are you DOING? It's not worth it. These tears aren't going to make the moon land in your hand."
From the first 'whatever' I knew he was leaving. There was no strings, no attachments. It was supposed to be easy. It was supposed to be fun.
And it was. Every laugh. Every joke. Every movie reference over my head. It was so good.
My longest relationship with a boyfriend was 9 months. To put this into perspective. My 'whatever it was' with this guy was 7 months long. To me. That's an eternity. I can hear his voice. I can see his eyes, his teeth, his fingers, every detail is etched in my mind at that moment. The moment in the bathroom.
I've always believed that the end of a relationship/friendship is like having someone you love die. Except you're constantly reminded about them when they sign onto skype or facebook. And when those relationships end, especially when one party moves across the country due to a work commitment it's doubly hard, because it's not like you both decided, OK this is ending.
It had to end. Knowing about it ending makes it that much harder, not easier. Slowly watching days peel back on a calendar pushing closer and closer to Departure Day doesn't make that day any easier.
And because 7 months to me is an eternity. In my messed up little world, weeks are like years. In a week or two I'll forget the crinkle of his eyes. The way he stares at a television as soon as it's turned on like a puppy watching you toss a ball. I'll forget the sounds he makes, and the way he walks.
Photo by Matt Weber
But the impression made will still be the same. Though the 'whatever it was' is severed by 3000 miles and separate dreams and goals.
Do I regret the times, the tears, the laughter?
Do I want to still have what we had?
No. It's time to move on. It's time to find someone with whom I can start something - real.
Did I learn something about myself?
Yes. Apparently I have emotions other than judgement and happiness. How Crazy!
And to tell you the truth, that's my favorite part about dating. I love learning about myself through other people, through friendships and relationships and family, through different situations, through trials and triumphs. I love every imprint from every person I've ever met, because to be honest, without those imprints, I wouldn't be who I am today.
And while who I am today, isn't perfect, nor will it ever be. I like who I am today, but tomorrow, my friends, is a new discovery waiting for me to stumble upon it.
What a heartfelt post.ReplyDelete
I know that crushing feeling that leaves you trying to catch your breath wondering 'what, how, when, why'
I believe every relationship, be it a few weeks or few months or even years, leaves an imprint behind that only you can understand and learn from. Its all the learnings as you put it that make us who we are based on those footprints etched into our mind, heart and soul. Some leave prints everywhere, some just in a spot or two .. but its still something