Thursday, October 6, 2011

Me-Like-You Basics

I've never really been very good at the Me-like-You basics, in fact I pretty much suck at them, personally I think if I bat my eyelashes at you and then give you my ACTUAL phone number you should understand that Me-like-You.

Pretty much if I invite you into my apartment with just the two of us, it means, Me-like-You. If I text to ask you how your trip was, or if I invite you on my weekend plans to re-meet my friends, or if I tell you that 10 pm is a totally kosher time to come over and watch the Saints game. I'm not inviting you because I feel sorry for you...

I'm inviting you over, because Me-like-You.

I really don't think I should have to look into your (insert eye color here) eyes and say all high pitchedly that oh, I really like spending time with you...

Is there this large collective of women inviting guys to places to hang out one-on-one, because they feel sorry for them? If there is, you really need to stop, because it's getting around to the guys I'd like to date, and making me trying to express my emotions, very difficult.

Granted yes, I could just walk up to guys I'm dating and say, yo, I friggin' like you, but then I'll scare them away, so then I have to do the stupid game of I like you but not too much because I don't want to scare you away bullshit.

If people were more upfront we wouldn't have all these bizarrely difficult situations where I stop texting you because I dont realize that "yo" texts mean you like me. Or how my bizarre texts about bunnies and feather earrings mean I totally dig you.

BUT NO. Someone. Somewhere. Decided that in order to establish the true bond of togetherness I have to lie about my feelings and either 1. Be a Bitch, 2. Ignore You, or 3. Wait like a simpering Rapunzel, praying someone will rescue me.

Well you know what? I'm no freakin' Rapunzel (unless we're talking Tangled).

Here are the cold. hard. facts.

1. If I embrace you with a kiss on the cheek - I like you.
2. If I do that whole running, jumping hug thing - I like you.
3. If I text you without any cause - I like you.
4. If you find yourself wondering how my number mysteriously appeared in your phone or hand - I like you.
5. If I eye fuck you - I like you.
6. If you find yourself in possession of my parking pass (and you're not B or S or Norma or Blair) - I like you (I like them too but 3 are girls and the other is like my brother, and I don't swing either one of those ways).
7. If I drive 30-minutes away from my apartment between the hours of 9pm-2am, either you're dying or - I like you.
8. If I run through my apartment hallways at midnight screaming I want to have your babies... it's safe to say (one) you need to stop giving me alcohol and (two) I like you.
9. If I actually kiss you, like actual heat of the moment lip-lock-kiss, please determine first if I'm sober, then if I have a nervous look on my face. If I am (A) Sober and (B) don't have a nervous look on my face but instead one of shock or bliss - I like you.
10. If I answer your texts/phone calls every night for a week or two weeks or three weeks, consistently, I like you.

Now I'm not saying I like you means I'm absolutely madly in love with you. It means that I want to get to know you better, explore a new burgeoning friendship, and potentially cuddle for extended periods of time on the couch... or other places.

A month or so ago, I thought I had found the perfect replacement for my peacing out FWB. NotBen seemed perfect for such a replacement. He was fun, cute, blah blah blah. And I wasn't looking to hitch up with anyone on a permanent - LOVE ME basis.

Let's get this out of the way. Me-like-Not Ben, but I did not want to get a proposal from the guy. (Commitment problems)

But Not Ben, who assumes that every straight girl in the world wants him to be her boyfriend/fiance/husband, freaked out, sent me a text, telling me about a future break up email (which never arrived), then horribly unintelligently left my ($90) parking pass on my windshield (I'm not rich, but I'm not poor either, and I need that pass)... outside my car... at midnight:30.... in a parking lot... where I may or may not have experienced being chased down by crazy people a little under a year ago. (Saying it's the safest place on earth would be like saying Disney world is the saddest place on earth - It's not Anacostia, but it's No Navy Observatory Circle in NW, if you catch my drift).

So while Me-like-you, means I like you, it doesn't mean me want to marry you. It's a stepping stone. It's the basics.

And I just really wish that people would be more upfront about their Me-Like-You basics, because I'm getting VERY CONFUSED over here. Don't show me the Me-Like-You signs if you don't like me.

And pushing me aside, taking me out of the equation. People need to stop showing the Me-Like-You signs when you don't actually like them. It's just messing up dating for the rest of us! Because then people expect everyone to plays the games you play. Then my dating life is in an interminable run to catch up trying the figure out all the signs, and GOD there are so many signs.........

I don't know if you all know this or not, but I don't like running, so this really doesn't work for me.



  1. I'm always baffled by men and women around DC apparently not understanding each others' interest levels.

    I have no problems just telling a woman who I'm attracted to that I'm attracted to her. And then I ask her out on a date and use the word, "date".

    If I'm not sure if a woman likes me, I generally just ask.

    If I don't tell a woman that I like her, nor ask if she likes me, then I'm either not into her or I'm having a particularly clueless episode.

    Then I can tell within two dates how I'm feeling about the future of the dating: We're Done, Let's Have Sex, Let's Date Casually, or Let's Consider a Monogamous LTR At Some Point. If I think there's the slightest chance the woman doesn't feel the same way, I say how I feel about it and ask if she's on board.

    These approaches may not sound like a McAdams-Gosling approach to romance but fuck that, I'm an adult living in reality. I save my romantic skills for the actual dating process, thank you.

  2. I have to call into question the level of awareness of the men you like. 9 of the 10 things (it's just rude to not respond to a text or a call, don't be that chick) you laid out are fairly standard ways to tell a girl likes you, so if guys are not picking up on those, than you should add: 11 - If I do any of these 10 things and you don't get the hint I'm going to put a post it note that says "Want" on your crotch in a public place and walk out. This is a very effective tactic because he will realize that you like him, be embarrassed he didn't see it before but not too embarrassed not to follow you home.

    When it comes to figuring out a guys me-like-you basics, just let it go. That's a pipe dream. The easiest way to tell is if he sticks around long enough for you have questions, he either likes you, the sex is too good to leave, or you're friends.

    If you don't know which one of the three is his reason for sticking around, it's not number 2 and you just have to suck it up and ask him if he likes you.

  3. I actually have thoroughly considered sticking post-its on men's crotches 3 times this weekend. So far, I have yet to have a post-it handy in the moment.

  4. Anonymous10/12/2011

    Wait, so did you get the parking pass? Or was it swiped from the windshield?

    For a city full of smart people, DC guys are awfully dumb.

  5. Swiped. The pass was swiped.

    For a city full of smart people, everyone is completely out for themselves only. They don't consider how their actions create reactions and how those reactions affect other people.


Comments? Questions? Interactions?