Thursday, November 3, 2011

OssumOctober - Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll... ok No Drugs

So after professing my desires at the beginning of this month, I wanted to wrap up the lose ends of the month and let everyone know the valuable lessons that I have learned about dating in DC. Because trust me. I have learned SO MUCH.

We'll run through this blog post by blog post.

What was OssumOctober? Brief roundup For the month of OssumOctober, I - LoRo will go on no dates with, hang out with, or text, or call, or message, or tweet, or email, or snail mail any man who does not initiate the contact first. If I have to chase them, then they're more than likely 100% unavailable, emotionally or otherwise.

NotBen who was mentioned back and September, then reared his ugly little face in the Me-Like-You Basics October post - has never contacted me again. Probably for the best, because as Jane Bigham from Drop Dead Diva would say - "I deserve better," because let's be real. I do. And to be real, we all deserve better than to be treated like we don't exist. We're people damn it!

Mini-lesson: Don't sell yourself short. You're awesome and if someone doesn't realize it, don't waste your time trying to make them realize it.

However, I have discovered that the me-like-you basics work best when superheated and over flowing, i.e. Eyes Locked over the bar with a hair toss (exposing the neck), a coy smile and a kiss on the cheek. Match. Set. Point. Everytime. This signature move will literally redeem all past wrongs. Trust me.

Because seriously, he'll never know you [still] harbor feelings for him if you don't make it painfully obvious that you're INTO him. What you think is "oh so obvious," usually is oh so unnoticeable.

Lesson 1
LET THEM KNOW YOU'RE INTO THEM. Don't leave them guessing.

Don't think, "God, they'll figure it out if I bat my eyelashes enough." Let them know. Hug them a little too long, touch them in suggestive manners, touch them in errogenous zones (o.k. maybe not that one, you could get called for harrassment), but if it's been years and they still have no idea, grab the sexy beast by both arms and say, "GOD DAMNIT I LIKE YOU."

If they don't know, they wont know to show you that they're into you too, or dispel your attractions when they show you their hidden wedding band. Just saying.


Halloween night, MrStateDepartment and I had a really nice, long skype chat, and it was really just what I needed on the one year anniversary of being chased down by two assailants in my parking lot.

I don't know what's sadder the fact that none of my close friends or my actual FAMILY thought that I might need a - 'chin up LoRo,' or the fact that the only person who remembered lives 3000 miles away. Enough with the pity party, back to the point.

He's settling in nicely while really enjoying the whole halloween thing in a foreign country, though he's horribly disappointed by the lack of trick-or-treaters. He did however dress his dog up like a turtle... it was bizarre to see.

I still miss him every now and then when I think about how I'd like to escape my life for a few hours and traipse over to Arlington to be treated like a princess and play with his puppy, but I know that holding onto something that wasn't meant to be is futile, so on I move.

Lesson Two
Know when it's time to move onto another potential.

Harboring feelings for someone who isn't interested in you, or someone who no longer is within reaching distance isn't healthy, especially when they don't know you exist, and you don't want to take my advice on lesson one. There are plenty of gorgeous, fun potentials out there with hearts of gold and compassion to spare. Waiting around for that ONE guy whom you've always loved isn't going to make him love you. Know when to cut your losses, and when it's time to put your energy into someone new.

You're awesome, don't sell yourself short thinking that, "he/she is the only guy for you and if they'd only get to know you... they'd know.

I'm not saying that you can't have crushes, dude, I have crushes all the time, but harboring unspoken feelings for them and obsessing over one person continuously for months upon months, isn't healthy... it's a tv show, and it's obsessive. Let them know or move on to the next one.


Which brings me to...

Hooking up with my ultimate crush, Goal, was... crushing. I'm going to be real with y'all. Having someone profess all these feelings of admiration and crushy-ness, followed by an amazing night, followed by brunch, followed by one of the best text-ersations I've had in a long time, only to discover he probably deleted my phone number immediately after he made me put it in his phone, is devastating.

Because when I texted him the following Monday, and we had this epic conversation where I laughed and laughed, and he said that he was dying from laughter, I was so friggin' excited. I thought, "this feels right." Wrong.

Right around closing of business he said, "sooo, a few of us are going camping this weekend if you wanna come."
"Sure sounds like it could be fun." (I was flying on the fricking moon, I called EVERYBODY I could reach, freaking-out-ecstatic.)
"It'll be the regular group, x,y,z,a,b,c,l,m,n,o, &p."
I didn't respond because I didn't know any of those people... So I went over to Blair's to ask how she would respond, but she didn't either... then he texted again...
"Could you shoot me your email so that I can add you to the email chain going around?"
Nothing from him.
Me, "did you think I was someone else?"

He thought I was a long lost frat brother.... What did I do wrong? Technically nothing. I was myself, but my dating karma disagreed. I broke OssumOctober. I texted him first. WHICH WAS MY PROBLEM. The one time I broke OssumOctober... the one time I stepped up and texted a guy first in this whole month (aside from wishing a few guy friends, "happy birthdays"), I had it blow up in my face in the most epic of ways.

Which brings me to lesson number three.
Ladies... if he likes you, has your number, and wants to hang out. HE'LL TEXT YOU. If he has lost it. He'll find a way to find you. Men today are intelligent, resourceful, and determined when it comes to pursuing a woman they like. If he finds you worth his time - he'll make sure to spend his time with you. If you're wondering whether he's going to call and it's day 3 or god forbid day 4... he's not going to, unless he's a neurosurgeon with a full table full of brain - BUT HE'S THE OUTLIER.


I'm skipping over POST 4 because that was for a friend.


That lesson has become so-fucking-apparent because while Goal never did text again... FunkyHatGuy - did. He wanted to hang out, he saw his opportunity and he went for it, granted he later turned out to be a giant douche, but he went for it. He took the chance. If they're worth your time. They'll take the chance. If they want to be with you, they'll take the chance. Shy or not, they'll do it.

Kryptonite has yet to come down to visit, but I'm hopeful he'll make the trek soon... so that we can figure out what cosmic forces keep pulling us together...

Lars... what to say about him. He's a great guy. A perfect gentleman, but he's still trying to find himself, and since I am too, I don't think I particularly want to struggle to find my bearings with another struggling artist of sorts, because to be perfectly honest the artist temperament does not work for me. I also have some issues with him never asking me what movie I want to see... if that makes sense... I think my drawbacks with him are on too many levels to really delve into. He also disappears for weeks at a time then sends a text out of the blue asking me to make plans with him - THAT NIGHT. He might have also drunk dialed me last night... um... k.

When I'm in a relationship or steady dating gig, spontaneity is one of my favorite aspects of a partner, I like to know that my life wont be one continuous droning of x, y, and z. However, if we're still knocking on the door to date 3... spontaneity shouldn't even be in your dating vocabulary. If you're asking a girl out... for plans... THAT NIGHT, you really should reevaluate your dating strategy. I like to be treated like I'm special... I think I deserve to have a little more thought put into a date versus, "oh hey I was bored and thought that maybe... you know?!"

FunkyHatGuy - what can I say... he had absolutely no compassion after I had a car wreck and couldn't help but to meet him 30 mins late at his apartment for football and drinks... and there was just an overall lack of care put into getting to know me. I can recognize that you weren't raised in the south, but when I've just had my brains rattled by some drunk biddie and you have the glass door open in the middle of a cold front... I'd like a little more compassion when I ask where the blankets are versus, "get one your damn self." Goodbye.


Halloweekend was a shit show. Halloweek was a shit show. So many things happened... so many things, which included never having to speak to Mr. Tennessee ever again, experiencing the double sided sword of keeping company with a promiscuous bartender, and overloading myself over at Rumors. Seriously... It was like a sauced frat party in there.

When Sexyface and I were talking later in the night after the bar closed, he asked "so what do you think of the bar?"
"People go to Rumors for dancing and trouble. Lots of trouble."
"So do you like my bar? Do you like dancing and trouble?"
"What is this a customer service satisfaction survey? I didn't know y'all made house calls... "
"Yes, I need to know what you think..."
"I'm making out with you. I think I'm down for the trouble part. Trust me mr. survey - I. Am. Satisfied."

But after experiencing the fruits of the Rumors loom and essentially dodging two requests for my number that night,

I've learned lesson number four.
Don't give out your number unless you actually want the person to call.
If you give out your number, you're hoping someone will use it... and if you give out your number and hope that person doesn't use it... then you're going to need me to explain Murphy's Law, which states the one you want will not call, but the one you don't want will never stop blowing up your phone. Trust me.

On Saturday night I was looking for a good time.

I was not looking for a boyfriend courtesy of my favorite dating service Rumors, (seriously I need a tattoo that says, "If found return to Rumors - They know me there"). Somehow I got the barback's phone number... what?! I asked all my friends, they have no idea when this happened... That night, I was looking to hang out with my friends, drink, party, have fun.

Worrying about whether some guy is going to call me the next day is not fun. It's nerve wracking, because if he does - I'll go out with him find out we have no sober chemistry and then be down 3 hours of my life, OR he'll call then I'll wrack my brain with what to wear and how cute I should look only to get there and discover he looks NOTHING like I remember, or if he doesn't call, then I'm pissed off because some drunk dumb-dumb didn't call me back and then I'll question my self worth. It's not worth it.

But anyway... that's the round up of the month... there are many many more stories I could toss in there, but I'm sure the people involved wouldn't want them in there, so I'm leaving them out.

Other guys not mentioned in my October blog posts who have also been circling around, and you can definitely look forward to posts about, are GalaxyQuestGuy and the Dancing Lumberjack. I'll probably compare their two first dates next Monday!

If you're not already follow me @SingleDC!

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