Thursday, November 17, 2011
Why I'm Still Single (part 3)
I'm not the kind of girl who gives her heart away easily, unless we share the bond of sisterhood. I hold onto it until I'm absolutely 100% sure nothing is going to happen to it.
See, I was cheated on 3 times by my sophomore year of college, in just as many boyfriends. The jewel on the crown being the night I walked in on my first college beau to find him buck-naked with another girl (this incident founded the seedling of irritation with Marines) (See later irritation with marines).
For me to commit to someone involves making sure, making 100% sure I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want to find out 3 months into something that I'm head over heels for someone else. It involves trying on different pairs of metaphorical pants before I decide to invest in that one special pair.
It involves days and nights of emotional struggles trying to make sure that I'm making the right decision, because I don't like being stuck in something to which I'm not fully committed.
I knew that seeing Can-Can Boy again, in person, was going to be akin to buying the horse. I knew that having the ability to hold and touch him was going to pull me in, because for the past 6 months, whenever anything happened in either one of our lives we called the each other first. We had developed this intense emotional intimacy from over 800 miles away. Throw being in the same room in the picture and #BAM! Instant connection.
But... I wanted to make sure.
As my mother and I made our way into MrBaseball and Can-Can Boy's state which we'll call Canballia (yes I just made a state name), I received a phone call from MrBaseball, which ended in me agreeing to come visit him in his city, City A. I informed my mother that we were making cross country stop overs to visit the men in my life, which she agreed to since she was, "just along for the ride"- read doesn't want me driving across country alone.
As we pulled into City A, I texted Can-Can Boy to tell him we were going to be a day late and a dollar short because I also heard about some great outlet malls outside of City A.
Getting ready for my "final" date of single-hood took shorter than expected and before I knew it I was whisked away to country saloons and a dueling piano bar, where MrBaseball and I had a drink with Rich from the Big&Rich guys as in the "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" guy... He bought us a drink... and drank it with us - in the bar, like together.
It was too fuckin' cool.
It was an absolutely great night. He took me on a tour of some of the museums by moonlight and then returned me to my hotel where I couldn't help but think, "there's something missing." It felt more like two friends hanging out having a beer together than it did fireworks and romance, but it was still a lot of fun.
The next morning we hit the road for City B.
A little after two, we pulled into our hotel, which had been taken over by tiny children in town for a baseball championship (there's some kind of irony/humor here, but I don't know what). I texted Can-CanBoy to tell him my mother had spotted an Ulta next door, so we'd be there till he arrived to grab me. We hadn't been there for 2 seconds before he bust into a makeup store with no remorse, guns-a-blazing.
My mother talked to him for a while, while I made my final makeup purchase decisions (you should see my collection... it's staggering - let's just say he stood there for a while), and then he whisked me outside.
I swear the sun was a little brighter.
As he held the door open I could feel his eyes on me, and when we got just out of eye-sight of my mother he pulled me into him with boyish alacrity, kissing me.
I probably blushed because he touched my cheek, "What are you? Nervous that your mother saw?"
"Just a bit."
He led me to his SUV-car thing and showed me around his hometown, where he went to high school, the "best" bbq, which he promised to take me to later, and then showed me his mom's house (which he was watching while she was out of town) in order to take the dog for a walk.
An actual dog, I promise...
We never actually made it back to the bbq place, because we didn't leave the four walls of the living room. Instead of going out and showing me more of his city, we just sat on the couch - talking, canoodling, and watching tv.
In comparison to the night before, being there with him - watching Golden Girls and Food Network - just relaxing was more than I could have wanted.
You know how when you feel like you're home in the arms of someone - that feeling of complete security and safety and love? As I laid in his arms on the couch, I felt like I'd found more than just a brief flirtation. For the first time, in a long time, I felt like there was no where else I'd rather be.
You see, I have this mantra that I wear around my wrist everyday, "No matter where my travels may lead, paradise is where I am." It's a quote by Voltaire. Usually I live my life in this manner (outside of my writing - haha). The present is what's the most important bit. Why live for the future, when it's uncertain? Why live for the past, when it's already done? Paradise is the hear and now. And in that exact moment, the sentiment couldn't have rung more true.
And after hours and hours of doing nothing but talking and canoodling in each other's company, he took me back to the hotel around 1:30 a.m. or so, and we sat in the car for a while. Him staring at me. Me staring at him, until I broke the silence, "I do love you, you know?"
He leaned across the console and held my face in his hand, his face alight with hope and tenderness mixed with joy, "I love you too."
"How's this going to work?"
"We'll figure it out."
"But when will I see you?"
"We'll figure it out. I can come visit you and vice-versa."