Quadfecta of Electronic Dumping

I was actually never going to post this post. I was going to let it sit here in my unfinished posts, because it was never supposed to be relevant again, but this past week I ran into the guy it's about, and his continued chicken behavior still irks me.

So ends the story of NotBen.

Now I've been dumped a lot of ways.

The slow fade.

The cold turkey.

The text message. (You're still a dick, sir)

The instant message. (gotta love technology)

The phone call.

The in-person.

The skype.

The I'm too busy to call you on Thanksgiving because I'm with my family, and you're too needy (I'm sorry, quat?) This was prequealed by the 'I refuse to listen to you cry because your Aunt died. You can read all about this here. (Sometimes I should just read the signs).

The raging belligerent dumping at 3 a.m. in my dorm hallway because I didn't want to watch "Dawn of the Dead" for the 133rd time (I really can't make this shit up).

The belligerent naked man cornering me in his room, wondering why I just wont do him... (for starters you're naked - I'm not - and you're not Barney Stinson).

AND NOW!!!!!! <--- Now means like 6 months ago when this actually happened.

The let me tell you through text that I'm going to break up with you via an email...

Oh yes.

Ladies and Gentlemen it gets worse than a belligerent former marine beating down your dorm door at 3 a.m.

It gets mental.

Some of the men in my life are so unhinged and mentally similar to a five year old, that they cannot actually just come out and say - "I want to not date you anymore." 

I realize that I should have figured out that it wasn't going to work since he was a graduate of my alma mater, which is notorious for producing men of "superb stock," who think they're the king of the world when in fact they're actually only getting tail because the ratio is skewed, (70% female to 30% male, and I'm not making that up). I'm just saying women enjoy sexytime as much as menfolk do.

So women's standards are lowered in order to get some themselves. In fact at my alma mater I can think of maybe 10 guys... in the history of my knowledge of people at AU who aren't complete d-bags when in a 'relationship' with women.

(I probably just pissed a lot of guys from my alma mater off, but let's be real the majority of them treated the girls like crap because they knew they could get away with it - I'm not saying all of them did, I'm just saying a lot of them).

But I digressed. ANYWAY.

I should have known it was going to end quicker than a Roman Candle in the hands of a 12 year old boy, but I had such-HIGH-hopes. He seemed genuine.

In fact he had many plusses going for him.

He was a friend of a friend, +1 <--- BUILT IN RECOMMENDATION!!!
He was intelligent, +1
He was outgoing, +1
He was sporty, +1
He was following his passions, +1
He was funny, +1
He had a bad boy streak a mile wide, +1
He enjoyed quality fro yo, +1
He was cute! +1

So me wearing my naive girl panties, completely tossed all care into the wind and said, "Feet, start jumping."

After both of my feet landed, I hit the ground running. We had a great first date thing, followed by watching a Saint's game together one evening, followed by...

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing

"Hey, um, I realize you're out of town right now, but when you get back I need my parking pass because I have a friend coming to visit."

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing

"Hey, I know you're probs crazy busy, just coming back into town, but I really need that parking pass..."

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing

"Heya, if you're just really not interested in seeing me anymore that's cool, but I need that pass - could you give it to our friend A, and I'll grab it from him."

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing...

Days pass, until finally...

TIME: 12:35 A.M, while I'm fast asleep, "I left it on your windshield."

TIME: 9:30 A.M, when I wake up, "WHAT?!!? YOU LEFT MY PARKING PASS ON MY WINDSHIELD!?!?! OUT IN THE OPEN?!!? IN A KNOWN CRIME AREA?!!??!" (ARE YOU A FUCKING MORON?) 

TIME: 9:31 A.M, when I reach my car out of breath and see NOTHING on my windshield, "It's not there you fucking asshole!"
"I'll pay you for it."
"That's not the fucking point. How much do you seriously not want to see me that you couldn't even hand me my parking pass? Am I seriously that horrible of a person?"
"Look, I'm going to send you an email to explain why I can't date you, what's your email address?"

Now my first thought is (1) does this guy have an STD? (2) Who emails a break-up letter, just call me up and say, "it's not working." I'm a relatively level-headed individual, I get that sometimes it doesn't work out, and (3) How dumb do you have to be to leave a parking pass... OUT IN THE OPEN, on a windshield, in a KNOWN crime area.

So after I got his text about the email, I sent him my email address...

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing

You get the idea.

There's a lot more to the story that I'm leaving out for the sake of our mutual friends who might come across this, but in case you were wondering what else happened, I'll tell you this. When I saw the guy at the event this week, a surge of rage, usually reserved for Dicky MacDickerson swept through my body. The need to rip his face off was strong, but for the sake of my professional career, I decided to lay off the crazy pills.

He told one of our mutual friends that he couldn't believe I was there, that he needed to apologize for being a class A dickwad.

He never made it across the room to apologize. In fact, when it was down to just me, our good friend A, and a few of my friends left in the room, he didn't even stop to say bye to HIS FRIEND - A. Nope, instead, he ran out of that room like someone had set fire to his non-existent balls.

So here's my question to you, the readers. If someone KNOWS they're being a dick/ass/bitch, and will later feel remorse and the need to apologize, why do they act that way in the first place? Isn't it just better to be a good human being, all the time?


So anyway, I can hear y'all wondering, "what is the POINT of this post?"

I was riding in the car Tuesday with my friend Harm, talking about our dating lives when he said something really poignant.

"Why can't people just treat other people like human beings?" <--- POINT.

He also said that today computer screens have completely dehumanized interactions. We act as though there's not another person sitting on the other end of that connection, but there is.

And he's so fucking right. SO RIGHT. Between all these new methods of dating via the computer and your cell phone with things like circle.s or whatever that site is called, people are becoming less people-y and more detached from human form in our minds, if that makes any sense.

I admit it. Sometimes I just don't want to face telling someone I don't want to date them anymore, but knowing at the end of the date that it's not going anywhere, is soooooo much better than finding out after you've sent three text messages that show your cute and sassy side, to which they have not responded. So that's what I do. At the end of the date if I'm not feeling the spark or am a little creeped out by their collection of taxidermied rodents, I just say, "you know what I had a lot of fun, I really did, but I'm so sorry, I just don't think a second date would be a good idea."

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HUMANS SHOULD DO!!!!

Yes, I am a master of the cold turkey. God, I am a master of the cold turkey, but I know how much that sucks, because I've been on the other side and have felt the chill of its wintery-poultry-smelling grasp. So unless the person is a complete psychopath, see the Marine, I tend to actually own up to not wanting to talk to them in that manner anymore.

Because the fact of the matter is, we all need to man up.

Digital Dating

I come from a land of digital dating.
I am the early 20s dater.

When I was a young tyke running around the playground, my parents were just starting to get these things called mobile phones. Computers popped up in my school, and I was forced for an hour everyday to learn how to use them. By the time I reached junior-high, I no longer called the home phone, because my mom would seldom answer. I called her cell phone, and should I want to talk to my friends, I didn't pick up the phone, I joined the secret elusive world of  America OnLine Instant Messenger, "AIM."

Living in a rural/suburban community for my entire life, walking across the street to see my friends was not an option. One time I did find a bridge across our local canal and attempted to visit Lindsey who lived 4 miles away. I made it halfway into some random cow field before I realized that I had no idea where I was and there was a bull staring me down. I ran home faster than you could say Moo.

When we were younger my friends and I called each other to see about sleep overs and play dates, but AIM offered something different - something exciting.

By the time I got into high school, long gone were the days of calling my friends. In fact, whenever I did call someone my crappy RAZR usually echoed my voice back to me, and it freaked me out. I know what I sound like in my head, but over the phone, god, I think I sound like a seven-year-old child still telling Barbie that she can't be with Kokoum because he didn't wear a shirt and that just isn't proper.

Look at him, he's savage! (Disclosure: I'm Native American)

So like the majority of my friends instead of conversing by phone, we started communicating via AIM, text, and "against-school-rules-pop-up-boxes" which we figured out how to create while sitting in computer class. They looked like little warning boxes. It was the best. 

We were never told that these forms of communication weren't socially acceptable. We were excited by the new-ness of them. We were excited by the "secrecy" of them. Unlike with a phone call, your parents couldn't hear what you were saying on the phone and if they popped into the room to see what you were doing, the magic little X button made sure everything went away. 

As we grew up during high school, texting arrived and before we knew it, we were using texting how we would normally use AIM and racking up $1000s on our parents phone bills, so parents complained to the phone company, and then we got unlimited texting plans. Which to us, were like little unlimited IMs back and forth. 

Why call someone when you can text them, because that's what we were trained to do! It's so much more convenient! I can answer a text hiding out in the girls bathroom or in between classes hidden in my locker. 

This generation took ahold of texting and instant messaging like it was our job. Because for the majority of us they were interchangeable as the same form of instant communication. Major companies realized this and added them onto their services like, Facebook IM, and GChat further integrating digital communication in our daily lives making picking up that phone to call someone practically unnecessary. 

And it doesn't just cut off at employment door. In my line of work we use ichat, skype, gchat, and texting to get information across fast in a way that wont ruin a take on a movie set. Sitting in meetings, my boss can shoot me a gchat to tell me to make a calendar reminder for him or to schedule a lunch and with open table, guess what. I can do it all without ever opening my mouth. 

Digital communication is HUGE. 

So why does everyone kvetch and moan about using digital communication when dating? 

It's a part of our social culture, everyone's social culture. When Facebook opened to the public, people outside of college were crazy intent on joining. People of all ages flocked to facebook like sheep flocking to the second coming of Christ. So it doesn't just have to deal with age barriers. 

I've dated a pretty wide age bracket. I've dated 12 years over me and 1 year younger than me, so I know from experience, however, that this divide of using digital communication as a primary source of interaction while dating/in a relationship with someone has more than a little to do with age. 

I grew up on the computer, but the people just 10 years older than me, didn't. 

Now I can't tell you the exact age bracket that this phenomenon revolves around, but I do know that it affects my brother and I both, as well as my younger cousin, so I'd say it's currently the anyone given a phone by their parents when they were younger (probably 12 thru 27 age bracket) relies on texting as their most popular form of communication, with 27 being a border age that usually flip-flops depending on if they had rural or urban childhoods.

I say this because, in my experience the guys I've dated in their late 20s thru mid 30s age bracket love calling just to hear the sound of my voice, which is nice. 

They enjoy seeing how my day was with an end of the day phone call, which will usually last 1-3 hours and usually involves me saying, "I'm sorry I didn't hear you, can you say that again" at least 20 times, for which I blame my genetically bad ears, my love of loud music, my lack of telephone skills, and the guy's ability to mumble his feelings. If I ever texted them at the end of the day, they'd usually just pick up the phone to call me back. 

However, 

My experience with my age bracket is one of epic, marathon texting sessions that can go on for 8+ hours a day, because while we're not on the phone vocally for 1-3 hours, the same amount of information is exchanged, either way. It has been my experience that in dating each party is curious to know more about the other person, so a plethora of questions are asked, whether it happens vocally or textually. 

But this all brings me to my point. 

I've recently read a lot of articles about how you shouldn't text when you're dating. You should just call them up, because texting only leads to mixed communication, due to the inability of texts to convey emotions, which will most likely cause someone's feelings will get hurt.

I disagree. (1) I'm just saying emoticons are popular for a reason. You might not like them. They might seem girly, but they work. (2) Texting is a different form of communication. Eventually you learn that certain things that the person you're texting says should be taken a certain a way. You learn that "UGh, I hate you" doesn't mean that person hates you. It's usually a playful jest. You learn the intricacies of what certain phrases mean, for example this picture. 

But if you start to actually think about how texting has infiltrated the sacred world of dating, you'd realize that this is just the new battle of old school vs. new school. 

 I'm sure that when phones first came about there were a lot of old fashioned women and men who believed that you shouldn't call the woman you were courting, you should call on her like a proper gentleman and sit in the parlor while a chaperone made sure you did nothing untoward. 

And I'm sure there were people who thought that instead of calling them you should write a love letter instead. I'm sure that when the first written word came about people thought that you shouldn't write your Love a love letter because she probably couldn't read it, so you should just go calling on her. 

The evolution of dating happens whether we like it or not. Younger generations will always come up with a new form of communication, which puzzles the older generation. Texting is here to stay; it's not going to just go away because a group of people think that it's messed up to text the person you're dating in the middle of the day to see how they are instead of picking up the phone. 

Because to be honest, as an early 20s dater, I prefer texting to phone calls. 

I would prefer the guy I like text me to see what's going on versus calling me because I can live my life and respond when I have the time instead of dropping everything to have a 1-3 hour phone call with him. 

I like it because I don't have to hear my seven-year-old child voice. I like it because I can text a guy on my bathroom break at work and not have to worry about whether or not he hears the toilet flush (don't lie, you've totally texted someone in a bathroom before).  I like it because I grew up in a world of digital communication which spawned digital socialization. It's how I interact socially with my friends and to be honest, if that's how I talk to my closest friends, then the guy I'm dating should get the same treatment. 

Dating is the experience of learning about another person and figuring out whether or not they're compatible with you. It's a give and take. This war on texting is just a narrow minded view point of people who aren't willing to bend their ways to the desired form of communication of their partners. 

When I date older guys I don't tell them, "Yo I hate when you call me, because I can't understand you, so I feel like a retard asking you to repeat yourself every five minutes." Instead I accept that this is how they date. This is how they interact with the people in their lives, and so I accept that and make it a point to call them when I want to interact with them, usually sending a "hey, you busy? Can I give you a call?" text message before hand, because I don't want to catch them at a bad time. 

But that's just me. Just because you don't prefer the person you're dating's method of communication doesn't mean you should refuse to date them, because they're "inconsiderate" with how they contact you. Maybe it's just that they grew up like I did, in a world of digital socialization. It doesn't mean they're a horrible person, it just a different method of communication in dating. 

And the age lines are not exclusive. One of my closest friends, Sam, prefers calling to texting and she's in my age bracket. A 30-year-old man I dated for 3 months preferred texting to calling. It's all about learning and asking what method of communication that person prefers, because if you don't know then your phone calls could unnerve them and make them feel awkward, which prevents them from being their normal easy going self. 

So my point is that text messaging should be allowed in dating, but it's your responsibility to let the person you're dating know that you would appreciate calling vs. texting or vice versa. Take hold of your dating life. Don't just piss and moan because you think texting is inconsiderate. Do something about it. 

However, text message breakups are still the most cowardly thing a human being can do, right behind telling a robber to shoot your friend instead of you. 

Just saying... 

Mom's Blog

So I recently told my mother about being ditched via text message by dick macdickerson, and she had a marvelous little motherly gem which I'll share with you. Granted, yes, it's my mother essentially telling me how awesome I am, but it is relevant to those who think that there are many more fish in the sea.

"There are lots of fishes in the sea and you just have to have the right one take the bait and hook! and he will never want to be let go!!!! and he will never let anything come between the bait and the catcher of said "fish"!

You will know a keeper when you find one! And if he is tooo fish brained to know a keeper when he finds one (i.e. you), he is no catch at all! Throw him back and forget him!!!

Me, I prefer a fish who will swim after me, around and through all obstacles in the way. Not stopping to play with the dolphins (floozy-woozies) but going past the sharks (really really floozy-woozies that you would not want to bring home to momma), and across the ocean if need be, while letting me know he cares enough to take the time to "catch" me!

Getting caught by a keeper is soooo much more fun!
So I say, good riddance to Mister Text message breakup weinee breath man, You've got bigger fish to fry!"

And by jove if my momma ain't right. If we waste our time on focusing on the losers who swim with the floozy-woozies and who are more focused on increasing their personal wealth or so focused on becoming the next head of JP Morgan, etc... that they don't take time to appreciate the people in their lives, it's not worth the trouble even bait your line, because if all you have at the end of the day is a pile full of money and no one to spend it with/on then what are you aside from Jefri Bolkiah. And seriously while you may party and drink and booze till your little heart is content, the relationships/friendships/love you're missing out on is your own. damn. fault.

So the key, I believe, is to focus on the keepers when you find them and ignore the floozy-woozies (not that I'm knocking it, sometimes it's nice for some floozy-ing and woozy-ing) and the people so career focused they can't take time to stop and smell the roses, because seriously, if they aren't making time for you now, they're not going to make time for you later, and in the end, they weren't a keeper to begin with.

P.S. there's a marvelous little book written by a lady named Jillian Lauren about being part of Jefri Bolkiah's Harem. You should check it out!

Dumped by a Text

A while back I mentioned a "cutie" in my post about drinks being the new coffee. Well since that post we stopped seeing each other and then re-saw each other after the alcohol induced text mess that was my 23rd birthday, Blair and Zoya can confirm. I'm blaming bartender Paul at Rumors, personally, since he decided that on my birthday I should drink things pink and fruity, aka, Adult Jungle Juice. Personal Recommendation of Bartenders Chris, Rob or Joe if you're drinking at Rumors, they will not lead you astray with sweetened fruit concoctions.

Well things were going good or about as good as I could expect. And then after a sudden text exchange about him staying in DC (didn't know you were leaving...) and a line or two about his emotional unavailability (surprise! surprise! welcome to my life). Things. went. down. hill. fast.

What had originally been a two way interaction turned into what felt like my one sided chase. And since I'm not so much on the whole running thing or the chasing men thing. I balked. But I still had a DVD to return.

So the next week went like this.

"What do you want me to do with your DVD?"

*insert his phone call at 10 a.m. here where (1) not answering a personal call at work and (2) leave me a message if the phone call is important or I'm not calling you back.

"What do you want me to do with your DVD?"

*insert bizarre Facebook chat where nothing was mentioned.

"DVD!?"

*insert him asking me to go see a band in Baltimore then canceling less than 24 hours later with potential plans for lunch on Sunday.

"Hi! Lunch?"

*Radio Silence

"Are you ok I didn't hear anything from you?" By this time I'm a little perturbed that he's being rude, so after consulting with my friend in the apartment down stairs I proceed to write a letter and slip it into a FED-EX envelope along with the DVD, which I plan on mailing out...

I got super busy, so it never happened, BUT...

*3 days later: He says, "Lost my phone. I'm seeing someone else. We're done."

BWHAT?!?!

Well that's hunky dory and all that jazz, because after the last time he unnecessarily jumbled my emotions, I decided that since (1) people are flaky (actually a legit study that you should date 5 people at a time, not that I abide by that rule because that's intense. But you should date 5 because 4 will eventually peter off, due to a gamut of factors), and (2) I'm young, single, and in a city full of attractive men, I'm not putting my eggs into one basket unless someone says, "Yo. Me. You. Exclusive." Or some form of that. Because, I'd rather not be heartbroken and try to pick up the pieces when it's not necessary. Because let's be real. He had a history of trampling on my feelings. So I was dating other guys, and enjoying myself. (not 5 at a time, because I have a memory of a goldfish, and as my Bartender so eloquently put it, "Look a Castle.")

But my favorite part was when he blamed the blog. This blog! Because he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that he couldn't man up to ask about exclusivity. And in the 21st century as a young adult, that's the first conversation you have if you're serious about someone. So since we never had that little chit chat, and we weren't exclusive. I'm having a difficult time ascertaining exactly what I did wrong. It's not like I'm running around having month-here-and-a-month-there-on-and-off-relationships with everyone and their brother, half the people don't get past date one! Actually make that 90% of people. And it's not like I've dated 30 people since March... more realistically you're looking at.. maybe 2 or 3, due to my serious inability to separate the personalities, childhood stories, likes and dislikes of multiple guys that look alike. I have a type sue me.

So what is the moral of the story kids?
(1) If you're seriously into someone, an exclusivity talk is a nice chit chat to have.
(2) You're dumb if you didn't think that this would be on my blog (no but really...)
(3) Text Message Breakup - Brilliant Video.

But readers, please G*d don't feel sorry for me, because afterwards I had the best freaking home cooked meal done up right by my Bartender. So. I actually got the better end of the stick, because I don't have to deal with any more childish Text Message Breakups. And I got a full day of happiness afterwards (including playing with a puppy, who doesn't love puppies). Win. Win.

AND

It was technically a triple win, because my bffle hadn't seen the DVD still in my possession, and I'm not wasting postage and handling on a dick. So she got a DVD.

Win-Win-Win.

(Clarification Bartender Paul is not my Bartender. My Bartender is an entirely different person)