Wednesday, July 20, 2011

21 Ways to Not Pick Up Guys at a Bar

1. Bring your yoga mat to the bar, past 10 p.m., how "hip," also known as female version of douche, also known as hitting everyone around you, every time you turn around. There's only so many times I can be smacked with a sweaty mat until I punch you ma'am.
2. Tell him you want to be the father of his children, and you have a great surrogate friend, they don't have to do anything, you'll even provide the sperm.
3. Drink Shirley Temples (and not the dirty kind).
4. Go with your mother, who may or may not be wearing a fanny pack
5. Go with your father, who may or may not be carrying a shotgun

6. Wear those comfy sweatpants, or PJs, not the sexy ones.
7. Go to a gay bar, and be straight.
8. Tell him you’re glad to be with a man again since you just got out of jail.
9. Be 80 at a 20 year olds bar (I'm just saying everyone needs to pay attention to the age range of the bar they're in, and the classy range. If you're wearing cut offs and a belly shirt and everyone else is wearing cocktail attire, you're in the wrong bar.
10. Be the wasted cougar pouncing on boy meat.

11. Look/ dress like Snooki
12. Offer to do his tarot reading at the bar and tell him tonight he's meeting the love of his life, who just happens to look like you.
13. Insist that you have his perfect companion, your gay best friend. "Oh, you're straight you say? You might want to tell your glitterati pants that."
14. Tell him you want to do a naked painting of him starting now.
15. Tell him you want to make a dildo out of a mold of his penis. (Actually possible, I'm not making this up)

16. Tell him he reminds you of your mother.
17. Ask if he wants to get married. Right now.
18. Ask if he wants to be your prom date.
19. Ask if you can suck his blood because you’re a vampire. Pull out a knife and a goblet while asking.
20. Ask if he’s ever been tasered. Because you’re into that.

21. 5 words. Forget to bleach your moustache. While they're creepy on men, they're even doubly sketch when they're on a woman who's on a man.

-Post written in conjunction with readers and EA!

1 comment:

  1. I don't know about this, number 4 & 5 worked pretty well for my sister in vegas....


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