Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Ruby Tuesday - Lookin' for some Bow Chicka Bow Wow

A few weeks ago I was waiting on a friend to drop off my car keys to me at a Ruby Tuesday, because he was getting my car washed by some girl scouts in his neighborhood - trust me my car needed it; it was disgusting.

As I waited, the ensuing conversation happened with a man at the bar.

"LoRo you a gorgeous girl, I mean I'm sitting here looking at you and thinking, wow I wanna know what it takes to get her."

"Haha, Thank you, but I get what I want; It's not a matter of you getting me. I'm good, though, I'm waiting on someone."

"LoRo, lemme aks you.. What do you do, to get a guy. Like say you want to bring him home or have some fun."

"Haha, um, I'd text him like I'm doing now to my 'boyfriend,' and I - uh - wait for him to answer me back, and then I leave."

"LoRo, don't play that. I can tell that you're a shark, because I'm a shark. And sharks we belong together."

"No, Sharks shouldn't swim in packs, it's dangerous, but I'm gonna close my tab... ZEB (bartender) Can I close?"

"I bet you think you're going home to a shark. Honey, if you aint swimming with the big sharks, then you should stay out the water."

"Oh He's a shark, a hammerhead and I'm not a shark, I'm a, uh... sting ray, so we're good. not me and you, but me and my 'boyfriend'" (mental thought, "who needs to stop going on runs when he's supposed to be giving me my car keys").

"LoRo, he's a guppy, you need to come home with a true shark. I was in the Navy you know."

"Oh, well that's nice, I'm sure, but I really need to go," (Mental thought - "because you being sketchy is all of the sudden going to just go out the window as soon as you mention a branch of the military").

As I walk away from the bar he shouts after me, "LoRo don't think I'm letting you go this easily, I want you."

Welcome to my life. ALSO, Who goes to Ruby Tuesdays looking for some action!? Really? And what kind of man double fists Long Islands at 5 o clock in the evening?

I meet a lot of people. On average, a human will remember and mentally store on sight nearly 10,000 faces in their lifetime. Personally I think I've hit that quota, but clearly a higher power thinks I'm missing some key awkward/creepsters in my rolodex.

I posted my awkward encounter on Facebook and literally every other comment was, this always happens to you or welcome to your life, for the past 8 years.

It's true I collect random people. But where is the border between wanting this new awkward friendship and rejecting advances no one in their right mind would try.

I recently read a blog by DATE ME, D.C. which is about sexual pressure and no means no. Which got me thinking about how often I've been put in these situations.

I can be in a group; I can be solo; I can be in my car; I can be walking through Target; I can be traipsing through Eastern Market, or running to keep out of the rain or literally anywhere. The odds are I'm going to meet someone awkward or creepy. You might think, "not possible," but I guarantee to you my reader that the awkward/creepsters find me everywhere. Ask anyone who has spent more than 24 hours with me and they will confirm. I even meet them surround by my Marine Entourage.

I was out with the boys last Friday, and we were minding our own business - chatting, shooting the shit, when this guy named Dalton (a former marine-dishonorably discharged) comes up to us and starts talking to me about his metal penis (God I wish I was making this up). WHO in their RIGHT MIND, walks up to a girl who is in a circle of at least 5 men, and starts trying to pick her up with his metal penis stories. I'm serious! He said it had numerable talented qualities, (one) it could pick me up, (two) it will never break, and (three) it's made to please women, because he can't feel it. FOR GODS SAKE. REALLY!?!

Five minutes later I was trying to close my tab with a Bartender friend whom I've known for 2 years, when this scrawny stick starts putting his arm around me and purring to me about how he needs to know my name because he needs me right there. I immediately curled into my friend's arms and said, sorry sir I'm with him. The guy however would still not remove his stick hands and had to be removed from the bar.

Needless to say people need to recognize that just because I'm smiling and having a good time, does not mean I want to have a good time with them. And that rule applies to everyone. Just because a girl or guy is smiling and enjoying a night out, does NOT mean they want to be with you. Sorry, just how it is. And if they repeatedly dash your advances, you need to take the hint, and back off. We're not playing hard to get. We're playing leave. me. alone.

No. Means. No. - Stop. Means. Stop. I'm waiting on someone. Means. Leave me the f($* alone.

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