Sunday, July 31, 2011

Where are you taking me!!!!

Or the Blog where I tell a sad yet funny story about one of my bad decisions, in order for everyone else to learn from my mistakes...


It all started with a Kamikaze.

Two years ago, there was a huge bar crawl going down, and my slightly older more bar experienced friends and I, were taking the newly-turned-21, N, out to the bar crawl bars, without being actually part of the crawl. A sub crawl, crawl, if you will.

The first Irish pub was a bust, aside from the ober cheap Long Islands, so we tippied over our saucey selves to the Mardi Gras Bar, paid our cover and sidled to the rail, where we ordered the first round of Kamikazes.

Between the Long Islands and the Kamikazes, which were apparently free courtesy of SexyFace behind the bar, we thoroughly enjoyed our night, which may or may not have included my friend A, yelling at the later to be known as Dicky MacDickerson about how he was dumb and out of our league, all the while a very drunken N kept telling me how cute he was, as I tried to pick up his other friend (I like flirting, shoot me).

So as A and L danced the night away, drunken N, Blair and myself were pounding out drinks courtesy of SexyFace. I can't to this day tell you how many Kamikazes I had, but according to the general populace of the bar, it was more than I should have, because somehow in my drunken staggering confidence, I somehow managed to convince SexyFace that he needed my phone number.

We texted through the night.

The next night Blair, J and I hit the town again, particularly SexyFace's bar, which included more Kamikazes, receiving flowers from strange men, dancing through the night, and getting saucier than I had ever been, and have since been in my life. Somehow I managed to waddle my way to the bar and ask for water, after water, after water, after water, and as I floated my way to the bathroom SexyFace grabbed my arm and led me through the kitchen, into an alley, up a back stairwell, through a secured door, into a conference room where we spent the better part of 30-minutes, before I almost peed on him.

After I used the special employees bathroom in the secret offices above the bar, I went back downstairs to realize... the bar. was. closed. Blair and J were missing. And I was, um. stuck.

According to stories from this evening, Blair and J called to me from the street repeatedly, "LoRo, come on, let's go home!!" and I responded, "No no no, I'm fiiiiiine. I'm FIIIINE Sexyface is bringing me home," while they tried to bribe the bouncer to let them back inside to grab me.

Needless to say, the bouncer did not let them back inside, because the only people inside were, "employees."


SexyFace did indeed take me home, but this was prior to my knowledge of Rock Creek Park being actually IN DC (for the longest time I swear I thought it was in Arlington - shoot me!), and as the city lights faded away, and his SUV slipped through the trees, I began to panic. My phone was dead. I couldn't text anyone my location, no one knows where I am, or whom I'm with, and I began to realize, I have no. idea. where. I. am.

I started to freak internally, which is common, but then I started to freak externally, which is not.

"Where are we?"
"No but really, where are we?"
"In the city."
"There are no woods in the fucking city, where the fuck are you taking me."
"From Dupont to AU, there are no fucking forests!!!! WHERE ARE WE!?"
"Whoooa, have some water."
"I don't want no fricking water, where the shit.... are you gonna kill me? Are you going to murder me right now? I mean, I know I shouldn't get into strange men's cars, but I know you, but do I know you that well? How are you going to do it? Please don't strangle me, just shoot me. GOD, oh GOD! I don't even have kids! I can't even write my family a letter to tell them how much I love them because I don't think I can write right now, the road's too bumpy! Oh GOD Do you have paper?!!"
"Shit! LoRo, calm the fuck down."
"I'm gonna jump out."

Doors lock.

"I'm going to scream!"
"Already doing it"

As my life flashed before my eyes, I began to breathe. He stopped the car and turned to look at me.

"I'm not going to kill you ok? I wouldn't want to deal with your screams any more than I have to right now. Your adorable, but you need to calm. the. fuck. down."


I took some deep breaths from a paper sack, and no, I don't know why he had a paper sack in his car, but it kind of smelled like weed, so I'll leave it to your imagination.

Needless to say I eventually I made it home, courtesy of SexyFace and one very large bottle of the Fiji Water, also courtesy of SexyFace.


This story has a very, very, very valuable lessons that I learned as a child, and thoroughly understood then, but understand less when I'm discombobulated. And while, I know Sexyface, and I know that he's not going put me in a horrible situation, at the time, my knowledge of him was very limited, and since, there are so many fresh drinkers out there, who are jumping into the city and getting themselves in really questionable situations. I'm going to share with you my 3 Rules to live by as a DC Nightlife Patron.

1. Always go out with people you trust to bring you home at the end of the night.
I cannot intimate how important this rule is. I've heard so many horror stories from my friends about roofies and drunken abandonment by so called "friends" that now I don't go out with people unless I know that they are concerned about my life.

2. Have an exit strategy with your friends.
Have this conversation before you go out. This is called my No friend left behind strategy. I can't tell you how many times I've been the girl going, "NOOOOO it's totally o.k., go homeeeee! I'll follow you in 20 mins," and then had my peeps pull me out of a bar. Or have been the girl saying, "no no drunk friend, you have had one too many, your judgement is massively impaired, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME." You might be the bitchy friend for the night, but how proud will you feel in the morning when you see that sketchy creeper's face on the television with sexual predator in bold-print underneath his picture.

3. Don't get yourself into sticky situations.
Granted yes, I am still alive, but what would have happened had SexyFace been SexyAxeMurderer?
There are a few things that you should always have on you prior to going out, license, credit card/debit card, BACK UP credit/debit card, at least 20 bucks in cash, your medical insurance card, and an emergency phone number. (ALWAYS - license for identification, money, a back up in case your money disappears, medical card incase the worst happens, and an emergency phone number in case your phone dies and you need to find a pay phone to call someone). Always carry a phone charger with you before you go out, and ALWAYS make sure your phone is charged prior to go time. Don't get into the cars of people you've just met, even if they do seem soooo nice or look sooo cute. And If someone from a bar mentions an after party, make sure you know who they are, where you're going, and what the plan is for leaving.

So many girls and guys really don't have their safety in mind when they go out to party all night. They don't imagine that there are people out there who don't have their best interests at heart, or they've been so sheltered that they've never been in situations where their safety is jeopardized.

This might sound soap boxy, but it's your responsibility to take the reins of your well-being into your own hands. Don't take your safety lightly. It's imperative for younger adults to recognize that once you start going out to bars and meeting people outside your friend group, that sometimes those people you meet are not good people. This isn't Kansas anymore, it's easier for people to disappear. It's easier for people to acquire drugs in order to drug you with. And when your and your friend's judgement is impaired through alcohol, it's a whole lot easier for you to put yourself into situations where bad things can happen.

So while I don't want to scare anyone from going out and partaking in the enjoyments of the DC nightlife (seriously not my intentions DC is FUN at night). I want people to understand that you need to take precautions for your safety. So have fun, but be safe.


  1. Anonymous8/01/2011

    This is both amusing and very scary at the same time.

  2. Courtney Kelley8/03/2011

    So why did he bring u to the woods? Lol

  3. lol, because he was driving me the "backway" he says.


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