Mr. Perfect is perfect... for his current girlfriend. Clearly someone else recognized all of his marvelous qualities past the rough exterior.
Oh yes, I trotted over to Mr. Perfect's apartment the other evening and noticed some rather odd things for a single man to have in a one bedroom apartment, which he supposedly occupies by himself... like, A Second Toothbrush. A package of lady's razors (when there was already a man's razor on the counter). A large collection of scented candles arranged beautifully on a series of decorative plates (I know because I recently did this myself at my apartment). A pair of female slippers in the closet, which I guarantee he did not buy for my feet because they were a 7 and I'm a 9-10. They also appeared worn and since he's a size 14, I don't see him wearing them. They also had a giant rhinestone, so again... not so much on him wearing them.
And I know what you're thinking, why were you in his closet... I was hanging up my suit jacket. It was hot and that jacket was unnecessarily warm, and he didn't want it laying where the dog could tear it to pieces. Pssssh, I didn't want it laying about where the dog could tear it to pieces.
There was also the women's soap and hand lotion (you're thinking maybe he likes the smell, but I have never seen a straight man shopping in bed, bath and beyond, much less a boutique lotion shop, which is clearly where these were purchased from). As we were sitting on the couch watching some bizarre crime show, he began searching for running t-shirts for a race he's doing soon... and he started out looking up standard running shirt, but then he wasn't looking up male shirts... he was looking up female shirts (maybe he's thinking for switching for the other team, but lady shirts aren't going to fit him)...
And separate, I can surmise that yes it is possible that he might be single and his sister stays over on the couch and he's buying a shirt for a friend to race in, etc..., but the nail in the coffin was when he suggested a snack, so I followed him into the kitchen to pop some popcorn. He opened the cabinet and there in the top was 3 boxes of cereal. You might think Rose, everyone probably has cereal, but no, on our first date he mentioned his loathing of all things cereal. Something he discovered when he was 12. So if he's not eating the opened boxes of cereal... who is?
So, this plethora of findings has just reinforced my need to ask 3 very important questions on every first date, and while I might sound like an interrogator, I'm tired of finding myself in the same position, 2-3 months down the road. With nothing to show for it but another story to add to the Memoir about how I learned how to do x-y and z.
Questions:
1. Are you single?
2. Did you just get out of an engagement or marriage?
3. What are you looking for?
I know what you're thinking. I was supposed to ask similar questions after the Married Man, but here's why I didn't. 4 hour phone conversations, an epic first date, followed by meeting the friends, and him asking to meet mine, holding hands, going out for a holiday, long walks, and a plethora of vollied texts, in depth conversations about life and blah blah blah... I could list these traits of someone interested in dating you, which he did for days, but I wont, because it's starting to piss. me. off. I'm really starting to consider how the (908) area code could potentially be a breeding ground for cheating bastards... Either he thinks I'm just horribly dumb and unobservant, or he's highly unintelligent.
So as Mr. Perfect rides off into the sunset with his Sade, Sade, Girlfriend Lady, I hope his horse trips.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Why I'm SOOO not getting married
I just returned to DC after a week in Texas for my Oldest Best Friend's Wedding, not that she's old but that the friendship is ancient, think 1988, which is approximately when we were both born. It was a lovely ceremony and she looked absolutely gorgeous, but as the days went by, I realized that I like being single a bit too much to touch marriage for a long time, because this is probably what would happen...
Day One: Rehearsal.
Technically this isn't day one, it's like day 378 depending on how long I've been engaged, but it's day one of why I'm not getting married. The groom forgot his brain 3 blocks away from the ceremony location, which means he's 30 mins late to rehearsal because he forgot to pick up the groomsmen from the hotel. As the star, bridezilla, that would be me, I will be tyrannically making the lives of all of my bridesmaids miserable, and God help the poor girl I ask to be my MOH, because as my mother keeps telling me I'm a horribly needy person when things get stressful. Not that I can't handle the stress of work or life, but when I get sick or overtly emotional, I just over delegate, which will annoy everyone.
Any way, the rehearsal goes on and the preacher can't seem to understand why I want a unity soda instead of unity sand or unity wine or a unity candle, So I get a bit peeved and argue with god's messenger, which will piss off my mother and more than likely enthuse my brother.
My groom will probably suggest a small cousin to be flower girl, but since I don't enjoy the pitter patter of screaming children that will be nixed.
Some unknown relative will probably suggest a ring bearer, but I just don't trust a small child to hold onto the one thing that's keeping me from old-maid-hood. So I'll nix that, which will undoubtedly displease the poor child's parents and then they'll want their gift back and I'll be down a set of doilies, and heaven help the woman who can run a household with only 36 doilies.
So we'll go to the rehearsal dinner, which will be a nightmare, because I'm quite positive someone will give a toast about my embarrassing habits and embarrassing boys I've kissed, because let's be real some people are still squirming over easter 2007. I'll more than likely hear horribly awkward and uncomely stories about my groom, which will made me wrinkle my nose in disgust and someone will probably slap me on the arm because my face will stay that way and no one wants to see that face stuck in that way in the wedding photos.
We'll depart but not until we've had the necessary round of hugs and kisses and crying, which will drive me crazy because Im really not one for all those emotions.
Day 2: Wedding Day aka Double D Day
9 a.m. and I've more than likely already lost something majorly important to the wedding, because lets be real. I have a tendency to misplace things like keys, shoes, and articles of clothing (if anyone has seen a longsleeve black tshirt with a sweetheart neckline, I'm looking for it). This means that in the time I spend searching for this, I'm probably late to pick up the 8 bridesmaids from the hotel, so we're late for the hair lady which means now the makeup lady will be running behind, and since at least 4 of the maids will be girls from my soror, they'll be running on Phi time anyway, so they'll be at least 30 mins behind that. Knowing my taste in men, the groom will probably still be hungover and covered in boa feathers from the night before, which means he'll be getting a tongue lashing from someone about the morals and virtues or marriage, so he'll feel bad and then walk out to find a bar, where he'll get more alcohol, which means, that's right, my groom is drunk and it's only 11 a.m.
11 a.m. I'm going to be starving. And when I'm hungry, not pretty. Since I spent the morning racing across town, I haven't eaten and now the pizza place is late delivering our pies. When they finally do get there, someone will be so ecstatic to eat that they'll clumsily drop it on their dress hanging in the corner across the room, which means they probably flung it over there just to piss. me. off. This will create a sudden rage of unhappiness because now the turquoise dress has red stains and pizza grease and no one will take that on, on such short notice.
1 pm and Emily Ann is unhappy with how her dress fits, because she lost 20 lbs from her latest round of exercising, so it hangs like a bag, which means someone will have to take it in, which may or may not cause a blood stain because the person pricked their finger because they can't sew. The groom may or may not have lost the rings because the best man may or may not have had them in his pocket at the bachelor party and a girl named Candy Cane may or may not have been a little more handsy than necessary.
4 pm: Guests have started to arrive, which means 30 of my closest relatives are in an enclosed setting with great acoustics. This means that it's very. very. loud. and I'm starting to get a migraine. I'll start to get snippy and someone might lose a finger or toe or tongue. After a quick bout of pictures where we have to stand in two rows because of the damn pizza stain, I'll notice that there's pizza stain now on my dress because the photographer put so and so behind me, and since we had to get close, she pressed her dress against mine, because we were all tipping back some buttery nipples in the bridal suite and forgot about the stain. Meanwhile, due to the noise, my groom will start hitting the collective groomsmen flask, because that's just what he need's more alcohol...
INSERT MASSIVE HUNT FOR A SHRUG/SHAWL/SCARF/CARDIGAN THAT MATCHES MY DRESS TO HIDE THE STAIN
5 :30 p.m. some how I managed to get married. Some how I manage to not stain my dress with the unity soda, even though I suspect my groom's soda was spiked with straight jack daniels...
6:30 p.m.: Reception: I don't know who, and I don't know by what means of alcohol, but someone is going to puke before the toasts. My garter will be tossed and hit someone in the eye. The chicken dance will be played (EGH). The photographer will step on the toe of one of the drunks and he'll break her camera. The cake will be toppled over by running children, and the baker will have misunderstood my need for red velvet cake in the armadillo groom's cake and the joke will be lost when it's some sort of mottled grey color. Since it's my family there will probably be copious amounts of alcohol imbibed, which means now someone's upset and yelling at one of my poor groom's parents because they sat at the ADUlT ROSE TABLE! someone will have to break it up, and, luckily, they'll manage to get by with only a broken nose.
By 11:20 p.m. at least 3 people will have been tossed out for disorderly conduct and 20 people will be rotating through the bathroom with various stages of upset stomach. I'll get to leave right after someone fails to make it to the bathroom and pukes on my dress, sending me into a flurry of tears and a hail of fists beating on my new husband's chest because we should have left an hour ago. The beating on his chest will cause all the alcohol he's imbibed over the night to rise up and he'll further the ruining of my dress, and then the limo driver wont let us in the limo, because he's drunky mac drunkerson.
So no. I think I'll avoid a wedding at all costs. Because the shit show that would be sure to occur, would mar everyone else's idea of wedding around me. Plus I really don't like the idea of people staring at me and judging me for my need to wear a bright orange dress with turquoise shoes instead of traditional white.
For now, I'm quite happy being single. At least happy not to be headed towards the alter, any. time. soon.
Day One: Rehearsal.
Technically this isn't day one, it's like day 378 depending on how long I've been engaged, but it's day one of why I'm not getting married. The groom forgot his brain 3 blocks away from the ceremony location, which means he's 30 mins late to rehearsal because he forgot to pick up the groomsmen from the hotel. As the star, bridezilla, that would be me, I will be tyrannically making the lives of all of my bridesmaids miserable, and God help the poor girl I ask to be my MOH, because as my mother keeps telling me I'm a horribly needy person when things get stressful. Not that I can't handle the stress of work or life, but when I get sick or overtly emotional, I just over delegate, which will annoy everyone.
Any way, the rehearsal goes on and the preacher can't seem to understand why I want a unity soda instead of unity sand or unity wine or a unity candle, So I get a bit peeved and argue with god's messenger, which will piss off my mother and more than likely enthuse my brother.
My groom will probably suggest a small cousin to be flower girl, but since I don't enjoy the pitter patter of screaming children that will be nixed.
Some unknown relative will probably suggest a ring bearer, but I just don't trust a small child to hold onto the one thing that's keeping me from old-maid-hood. So I'll nix that, which will undoubtedly displease the poor child's parents and then they'll want their gift back and I'll be down a set of doilies, and heaven help the woman who can run a household with only 36 doilies.
So we'll go to the rehearsal dinner, which will be a nightmare, because I'm quite positive someone will give a toast about my embarrassing habits and embarrassing boys I've kissed, because let's be real some people are still squirming over easter 2007. I'll more than likely hear horribly awkward and uncomely stories about my groom, which will made me wrinkle my nose in disgust and someone will probably slap me on the arm because my face will stay that way and no one wants to see that face stuck in that way in the wedding photos.
We'll depart but not until we've had the necessary round of hugs and kisses and crying, which will drive me crazy because Im really not one for all those emotions.
Day 2: Wedding Day aka Double D Day
9 a.m. and I've more than likely already lost something majorly important to the wedding, because lets be real. I have a tendency to misplace things like keys, shoes, and articles of clothing (if anyone has seen a longsleeve black tshirt with a sweetheart neckline, I'm looking for it). This means that in the time I spend searching for this, I'm probably late to pick up the 8 bridesmaids from the hotel, so we're late for the hair lady which means now the makeup lady will be running behind, and since at least 4 of the maids will be girls from my soror, they'll be running on Phi time anyway, so they'll be at least 30 mins behind that. Knowing my taste in men, the groom will probably still be hungover and covered in boa feathers from the night before, which means he'll be getting a tongue lashing from someone about the morals and virtues or marriage, so he'll feel bad and then walk out to find a bar, where he'll get more alcohol, which means, that's right, my groom is drunk and it's only 11 a.m.
11 a.m. I'm going to be starving. And when I'm hungry, not pretty. Since I spent the morning racing across town, I haven't eaten and now the pizza place is late delivering our pies. When they finally do get there, someone will be so ecstatic to eat that they'll clumsily drop it on their dress hanging in the corner across the room, which means they probably flung it over there just to piss. me. off. This will create a sudden rage of unhappiness because now the turquoise dress has red stains and pizza grease and no one will take that on, on such short notice.
1 pm and Emily Ann is unhappy with how her dress fits, because she lost 20 lbs from her latest round of exercising, so it hangs like a bag, which means someone will have to take it in, which may or may not cause a blood stain because the person pricked their finger because they can't sew. The groom may or may not have lost the rings because the best man may or may not have had them in his pocket at the bachelor party and a girl named Candy Cane may or may not have been a little more handsy than necessary.
4 pm: Guests have started to arrive, which means 30 of my closest relatives are in an enclosed setting with great acoustics. This means that it's very. very. loud. and I'm starting to get a migraine. I'll start to get snippy and someone might lose a finger or toe or tongue. After a quick bout of pictures where we have to stand in two rows because of the damn pizza stain, I'll notice that there's pizza stain now on my dress because the photographer put so and so behind me, and since we had to get close, she pressed her dress against mine, because we were all tipping back some buttery nipples in the bridal suite and forgot about the stain. Meanwhile, due to the noise, my groom will start hitting the collective groomsmen flask, because that's just what he need's more alcohol...
INSERT MASSIVE HUNT FOR A SHRUG/SHAWL/SCARF/CARDIGAN THAT MATCHES MY DRESS TO HIDE THE STAIN
5 :30 p.m. some how I managed to get married. Some how I manage to not stain my dress with the unity soda, even though I suspect my groom's soda was spiked with straight jack daniels...
6:30 p.m.: Reception: I don't know who, and I don't know by what means of alcohol, but someone is going to puke before the toasts. My garter will be tossed and hit someone in the eye. The chicken dance will be played (EGH). The photographer will step on the toe of one of the drunks and he'll break her camera. The cake will be toppled over by running children, and the baker will have misunderstood my need for red velvet cake in the armadillo groom's cake and the joke will be lost when it's some sort of mottled grey color. Since it's my family there will probably be copious amounts of alcohol imbibed, which means now someone's upset and yelling at one of my poor groom's parents because they sat at the ADUlT ROSE TABLE! someone will have to break it up, and, luckily, they'll manage to get by with only a broken nose.
By 11:20 p.m. at least 3 people will have been tossed out for disorderly conduct and 20 people will be rotating through the bathroom with various stages of upset stomach. I'll get to leave right after someone fails to make it to the bathroom and pukes on my dress, sending me into a flurry of tears and a hail of fists beating on my new husband's chest because we should have left an hour ago. The beating on his chest will cause all the alcohol he's imbibed over the night to rise up and he'll further the ruining of my dress, and then the limo driver wont let us in the limo, because he's drunky mac drunkerson.
So no. I think I'll avoid a wedding at all costs. Because the shit show that would be sure to occur, would mar everyone else's idea of wedding around me. Plus I really don't like the idea of people staring at me and judging me for my need to wear a bright orange dress with turquoise shoes instead of traditional white.
For now, I'm quite happy being single. At least happy not to be headed towards the alter, any. time. soon.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Too Soon?
I recently started cavorting with a man, who is by my definition perfect. Or about as perfect as a man who loves chameleons can be. I'll leave out the details, but if previous women had looked past the gruff exterior, he would not be single.
Anyway. About... 2 dates into whatever this is, I met his friends. As in the first date was just the two of us, and date two was his friends, him and I. Now I'm not complaining. If you're that proud of me, by jove, show me off. But, isn't date two a little early to be dragging your friends into a fledgling relationship? I can understand how people value their friend's opinions. I do, very much, but when you draw out your friends to meet your potential, when you still don't know whether or not she likes pie, you're forcing your potential into a really awkward situation.
For example, As I was out meeting friend number 7, #7 begins to mention hunting. Now as a girl raised in Texas, I've shot a few guns in my life, so I had some input to add to the conversation about .20 vs .12 gauge shotguns. At which point, mr. perfect says, I didn't know you shoot, to which friend 7 says, you're dating her, and I know more than you do?
Typically, the first date is standard date topics, 'where you're from,' 'your favorite color,' 'what you think about the yankees,' etc... but By date 2 you still don't know whether or not your date is a big drinker, if they like to sit at home, if they're extroverted or introverted or some complicated mix of the two, OR whether or not they like big groups of people. Let's take for example someone horribly shy, if you barely know your shy date, and you're introducing him to jill, jessie, and jake, they could potentially retract into their shell and not only wil they have a horrible time, you're going to think damn, she's less fun than I thought, but you're not allowing for an accurate telling, because you're not allowing the fledgling relationship to breathe.
Consider a new relationship in the idea of wine. For example, if you take wine straight out of the barrel, two days in, it's not going to be ready, the flavors will still be contrasting each other and fighting for attention or sliding beneath the stronger flavors. The wine wont have had to time ferment and you'll in truth just be drinking crap. However if you allow the wine, like the relationship, to age in the oak barrels and to take on the hints and notes of the flavor profiles of the grapes as they come together in a complex bouquet of perfection, when you do take the wine out, let it breathe, then serve it to your friends, the wine will be more impressive, due to the fact that your potential will have had time to mellow to your personality and mesh, where as, two dates in, unless date one lasted a week, it's really difficult for both parties to meld into each other.
There are certain times when your potential will be perfectly fine in your group of friends 2 dates in, due to their outgoing nature, and it's great and rare to find, but one thing to consider when your potential is more flamboyant, how much is show, and how much is genuine interest in getting to know your friends and you for that matter, and how much is a defensive mechanism utilized to protect them from potential embarrassment should your friends dislike them.
Anyway. About... 2 dates into whatever this is, I met his friends. As in the first date was just the two of us, and date two was his friends, him and I. Now I'm not complaining. If you're that proud of me, by jove, show me off. But, isn't date two a little early to be dragging your friends into a fledgling relationship? I can understand how people value their friend's opinions. I do, very much, but when you draw out your friends to meet your potential, when you still don't know whether or not she likes pie, you're forcing your potential into a really awkward situation.
For example, As I was out meeting friend number 7, #7 begins to mention hunting. Now as a girl raised in Texas, I've shot a few guns in my life, so I had some input to add to the conversation about .20 vs .12 gauge shotguns. At which point, mr. perfect says, I didn't know you shoot, to which friend 7 says, you're dating her, and I know more than you do?
Typically, the first date is standard date topics, 'where you're from,' 'your favorite color,' 'what you think about the yankees,' etc... but By date 2 you still don't know whether or not your date is a big drinker, if they like to sit at home, if they're extroverted or introverted or some complicated mix of the two, OR whether or not they like big groups of people. Let's take for example someone horribly shy, if you barely know your shy date, and you're introducing him to jill, jessie, and jake, they could potentially retract into their shell and not only wil they have a horrible time, you're going to think damn, she's less fun than I thought, but you're not allowing for an accurate telling, because you're not allowing the fledgling relationship to breathe.
Consider a new relationship in the idea of wine. For example, if you take wine straight out of the barrel, two days in, it's not going to be ready, the flavors will still be contrasting each other and fighting for attention or sliding beneath the stronger flavors. The wine wont have had to time ferment and you'll in truth just be drinking crap. However if you allow the wine, like the relationship, to age in the oak barrels and to take on the hints and notes of the flavor profiles of the grapes as they come together in a complex bouquet of perfection, when you do take the wine out, let it breathe, then serve it to your friends, the wine will be more impressive, due to the fact that your potential will have had time to mellow to your personality and mesh, where as, two dates in, unless date one lasted a week, it's really difficult for both parties to meld into each other.
There are certain times when your potential will be perfectly fine in your group of friends 2 dates in, due to their outgoing nature, and it's great and rare to find, but one thing to consider when your potential is more flamboyant, how much is show, and how much is genuine interest in getting to know your friends and you for that matter, and how much is a defensive mechanism utilized to protect them from potential embarrassment should your friends dislike them.
Friday, April 29, 2011
But I don't want to flirt with him...
I recently read a book by Ronda Rich called, "What Southern Women Know That Every Woman Should," and while the majority of the book told me was things I already knew, it also put down into writing something my friend Shaina constantly confirms with me. I flirt a lot. Now southerner's typically are horribly astoundingly friendly, it's how we're raised and according to Rich's book 'flirtation is merely a descriptive word for being reeeeeaaaaaaallll nice. We flirt with everyone including other women, children, elderly folks, and of course... men.'
You're probably wondering what this has to do with the title... Well, based on the fact that as a southern woman, I'm technically flirting with everybody, when it comes to flirting with someone who really counts, my encyclopedia of flirting techniques is so well rounded, that my comfort level when in an environment that really counts, such as cute bouncer who has a really full club, is above normal since I've been in situations similar, and I have a plethora of experiences to pull from due to consistent practice. As my softball coach used to say, practice doesn't make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect. Because let's be real, being nice aka 'flirting' with everybody, usually makes the person I'm "flirting" with happy, and that means they're more friendly towards me, which means that my solution will be ameliorated quickly in a positive way, which means my blood pressure stays at a pretty consistent level, and that means that at the end of the day, I'm either drinking something free or getting parking tickets dismissed while also maintaining good heart health.
A lot of people I talk to have a problem with being able to jump from potential to involved. This means that they have difficulty engaging their potential in flirtatious conversation in order to gain a date from the interaction. Now if there's one thing I've noticed from my friends who do have people they're involved with, is that they're highly flirtatious, which means they also have oodles of practice flirtations under their belts.
So here's the point. Flirting is the way to your potentials cell phone contact list, and If you find yourself lacking potentials for future interactions, I have a suggestion. You can take it or leave it, but I have yet to see someone not succeed when using this tactic. FLIRT with everyone. If experience telling this to people gives me any inclinations of how you are feeling with that suggestion, I can tell that you're probably very skeptical. But it's an honest, tried and true method. It'll probably make you horribly uncomfortable for the first few days or so, but if you make a commitment to increasing your friendly interactions with those around you, I can assure you that your dating life will improve.
Now if you're uncomfortable being overtly friendly to the lady at the DMV, o.k. I get it, but try someone more your type. If you can find them. If you can't find your IDEAL, go for the closest thing in the room. Say there's a cute guy at the bar, but he's a little shorter than you would like, make the effort, because you'll 1. be practicing for when someone more your speed does enter the picture, 2. engaging in a conversation with someone new, who might have valuable insight to a new club/restaurant/concert series/etc... and 3. This person whom you never considered for anything more than harmless flirtations, might be someone wonderful.
So there's really no negatives. Because your increased friendliness will be noticed by all around you, which will lead to more positive interactions with everyone, from the cashier at Chickfila to the man at the parking garage, to people in your work environment, who will in turn think of you as a positive, friendly communicative individual around promotion time (just a thought). It will also improve your daily outlook on life. So flirt, people. There's really nothing to lose aside from a few rejections, but even George Clooney has been rejected, so I wouldn't think of it as a bad thing. Just a little life lesson.
You're probably wondering what this has to do with the title... Well, based on the fact that as a southern woman, I'm technically flirting with everybody, when it comes to flirting with someone who really counts, my encyclopedia of flirting techniques is so well rounded, that my comfort level when in an environment that really counts, such as cute bouncer who has a really full club, is above normal since I've been in situations similar, and I have a plethora of experiences to pull from due to consistent practice. As my softball coach used to say, practice doesn't make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect. Because let's be real, being nice aka 'flirting' with everybody, usually makes the person I'm "flirting" with happy, and that means they're more friendly towards me, which means that my solution will be ameliorated quickly in a positive way, which means my blood pressure stays at a pretty consistent level, and that means that at the end of the day, I'm either drinking something free or getting parking tickets dismissed while also maintaining good heart health.
A lot of people I talk to have a problem with being able to jump from potential to involved. This means that they have difficulty engaging their potential in flirtatious conversation in order to gain a date from the interaction. Now if there's one thing I've noticed from my friends who do have people they're involved with, is that they're highly flirtatious, which means they also have oodles of practice flirtations under their belts.
So here's the point. Flirting is the way to your potentials cell phone contact list, and If you find yourself lacking potentials for future interactions, I have a suggestion. You can take it or leave it, but I have yet to see someone not succeed when using this tactic. FLIRT with everyone. If experience telling this to people gives me any inclinations of how you are feeling with that suggestion, I can tell that you're probably very skeptical. But it's an honest, tried and true method. It'll probably make you horribly uncomfortable for the first few days or so, but if you make a commitment to increasing your friendly interactions with those around you, I can assure you that your dating life will improve.
Now if you're uncomfortable being overtly friendly to the lady at the DMV, o.k. I get it, but try someone more your type. If you can find them. If you can't find your IDEAL, go for the closest thing in the room. Say there's a cute guy at the bar, but he's a little shorter than you would like, make the effort, because you'll 1. be practicing for when someone more your speed does enter the picture, 2. engaging in a conversation with someone new, who might have valuable insight to a new club/restaurant/concert series/etc... and 3. This person whom you never considered for anything more than harmless flirtations, might be someone wonderful.
So there's really no negatives. Because your increased friendliness will be noticed by all around you, which will lead to more positive interactions with everyone, from the cashier at Chickfila to the man at the parking garage, to people in your work environment, who will in turn think of you as a positive, friendly communicative individual around promotion time (just a thought). It will also improve your daily outlook on life. So flirt, people. There's really nothing to lose aside from a few rejections, but even George Clooney has been rejected, so I wouldn't think of it as a bad thing. Just a little life lesson.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Deluded
For the past 5 months or so, I have had the following phrase on my dating profile, "...and I can successively use semicolons."
According to my, oh so handy Apple Dictionary the word successive means, "following one another or following others."
I love language. It's one of the most beautiful parts of my day. I live for the poetry in Charlotte Bronte's works. I'm pulled by the characters popping off the page in novels by L.M. Montgomery, and just a few words placed in the appropriate order with perfect comedic diction can send me guffawing over the memoirs of Jen Lancaster.
So it's an understatement to say exactly how important word choice is to me. Now I don't know if guys are just so excited that they speed through my description, or if they are caught up by that 'whloe yu can tel waht wrods a prsoen maens withuot' the spelling being correct theory, which states something along the lines of as long as the first and last letter of a word is included along with the majority of letters that the word possesses, you can infer the word without the parts being in the right place.
If that was a bit convoluted, just go with me. I've watched so many episodes of Bones in the last 24 hours that Temperance Brennan's way of speaking might have rubbed off.
Anyway, the point is, I've gotten no fewer that 36 responses during November through February, saying something along the lines of, "Wow, I'm impressed with your successful use of semicolons," or "maybe you could teach me how to use semicolons, successfully," etc...
I just want to know, if I'm expecting too much from the online dating community. I'm not expecting Ernest Hemingway, but if someone is trying to impress me and entice me to go on a date with them, I'd really hope that they would read my profile thoroughly before making a linguistic fool of themselves.
Now here's the kicker. I can't figure out for the life of me how to delete my dating profile, because POF is ridiculous, and horribly unorganized. So, on top of the successive/successful wording issue I have on my page, I also have the following phrase HEADLINED, "NOT SEEKING NEW DATING APPLICANTS, COMPLETELY CONTENT." This phrase has been up since the middle of March, and if I could tell you of a day in the last month when someone didn't send me a message asking me for a date or wondering if I'd reopen applications for them, it would be news to me.
This is in that same vein as the "A Girl Walks into a Bar" post. Not seeking new people to date doesn't mean if you're hot enough I'll consider you. It means I don't want to date you because you're not my Knight in Suede Shoes. SO! People out there in the online dating world, if you are trying to put your best foot forward in order to peacock about for the peahen of your choice, then remember this little helpful tidbit of advice, "If you don't take the time to read what your potential has written in their carefully worded introduction about themselves, what makes you think that they'll take the time to read your carefully worded introduction."
*steps off soapbox.
According to my, oh so handy Apple Dictionary the word successive means, "following one another or following others."
I love language. It's one of the most beautiful parts of my day. I live for the poetry in Charlotte Bronte's works. I'm pulled by the characters popping off the page in novels by L.M. Montgomery, and just a few words placed in the appropriate order with perfect comedic diction can send me guffawing over the memoirs of Jen Lancaster.
So it's an understatement to say exactly how important word choice is to me. Now I don't know if guys are just so excited that they speed through my description, or if they are caught up by that 'whloe yu can tel waht wrods a prsoen maens withuot' the spelling being correct theory, which states something along the lines of as long as the first and last letter of a word is included along with the majority of letters that the word possesses, you can infer the word without the parts being in the right place.
If that was a bit convoluted, just go with me. I've watched so many episodes of Bones in the last 24 hours that Temperance Brennan's way of speaking might have rubbed off.
Anyway, the point is, I've gotten no fewer that 36 responses during November through February, saying something along the lines of, "Wow, I'm impressed with your successful use of semicolons," or "maybe you could teach me how to use semicolons, successfully," etc...
I just want to know, if I'm expecting too much from the online dating community. I'm not expecting Ernest Hemingway, but if someone is trying to impress me and entice me to go on a date with them, I'd really hope that they would read my profile thoroughly before making a linguistic fool of themselves.
Now here's the kicker. I can't figure out for the life of me how to delete my dating profile, because POF is ridiculous, and horribly unorganized. So, on top of the successive/successful wording issue I have on my page, I also have the following phrase HEADLINED, "NOT SEEKING NEW DATING APPLICANTS, COMPLETELY CONTENT." This phrase has been up since the middle of March, and if I could tell you of a day in the last month when someone didn't send me a message asking me for a date or wondering if I'd reopen applications for them, it would be news to me.
This is in that same vein as the "A Girl Walks into a Bar" post. Not seeking new people to date doesn't mean if you're hot enough I'll consider you. It means I don't want to date you because you're not my Knight in Suede Shoes. SO! People out there in the online dating world, if you are trying to put your best foot forward in order to peacock about for the peahen of your choice, then remember this little helpful tidbit of advice, "If you don't take the time to read what your potential has written in their carefully worded introduction about themselves, what makes you think that they'll take the time to read your carefully worded introduction."
*steps off soapbox.
Monday, April 18, 2011
From Mrs to Mistaken.
Recently, I discovered how ironically cyclical my dating life actually is. But cyclical in a God really has an intense sense of humor, and it's driving me crazy. The reason I think he's being so funny... is because I once joked with a friend about going to college to get my MRS. degree. Of course I didn't have time to achieve that on top of my other studies (I was horribly busy with extracurriculars and writing feature length scripts), but he clearly didn't like the joke, so he's showing me; ain't he.
I say this because, actually, I do keep getting closer and closer to marriage... it's just that I keep getting closer to the guys being married.
In fact! I can count it down by numbers about how close to marriage I'm actually getting.
1. About 2 years ago I dated a guy only to discover a couple weeks in, that a few months prior, he had been in the mall buying an engagement ring for his previous-girlfriend... when she called to break up with him. (Horrible isn't it!)
When I found out about this tragedy in his life it only made me think, aw, poor guy. He needs someone to love, in a very Anne Hathaway redoes a Queen song kind of way.
But things with him ended, and up popped number 2.
2. Exactly a year ago I was dating this great guy (or everyone kept telling me how great and sexy he was). Prior to our date-scapades, he had actually been engaged to a gorgeous woman. I'm talking tall, great body, gorgeous features, everything-a-man-could-ask-for-woman. They were engaged for 2 years, until the month before, when she broke up with him, and (oooh lucky me!) I snagged him up. (He's now married to the gorgeous woman).
I viewed his recent nuptials as an effect of our dating. Blinded by jealousy and passion for number 2 (in my mind at least), the other woman realized how much she loved him and true love was allowed to be together. Cause to be honest, I didn't find him that sexy.
Time passed and 3 happened along.
3. At the beginning of the year, I met a guy online, and we hit it off instantly upon meeting. We had a few dates and that's when he dropped the bomb. He wasn't looking for anything serious because his fiance of six years and he had just broken it off, two weeks before dating me. (It ended, which is what led to number 4).
Here's where I began to get cynical. Sure, I could blow off the other two as happenstances of romance. Number 1 had been heart brokenly devastated so nothing was really going to work out, and Number 2 and I were clearly not bound for the train of destiny, which didn't break my heart. But Number 3, had just ridden on a 6 year emotional roller coaster, only to pull me in as he was getting flung out of the seat because he didn't wear a safety belt.
And this final guy is when I realized how vapid my dating life had become.
4. I met a guy at a bar a month or so ago, and he was the sound tech for the band, and we had easy enough conversation; he wasn't bad looking. He asked for my number and Wala! We had a date! The following conversation happened 10 mins into our date.
He says, "So I need to tell you something."
"O.K., I'm open minded, shoot."
"I am technically still married."
Shoot. Me. In The. Face.
I don't know about you, but I'm not that open minded.
WHO DOES THAT! I mean I've seen it in movies, but in real life! WHY would you go out on a date, with someone when you know that you're still MARRIED?
After hitting the all time low in my dating life. I have made a pact with myself.
For the next year, I've decided that if someone is fresh out of engagements or marriage, guess what! I'm not going to date them, because (1) I'm more than a rebound and (2) they're usually the men with the most issues. And really if you're starting a fresh exciting relationship... who wants to date someone with piles and piles issues? & (3) The only kind of people I've yet to date in regards to the whole being married/engaged range is divorced and widowed, and I don't think I'm emotionally ready for either.
I say this because, actually, I do keep getting closer and closer to marriage... it's just that I keep getting closer to the guys being married.
In fact! I can count it down by numbers about how close to marriage I'm actually getting.
1. About 2 years ago I dated a guy only to discover a couple weeks in, that a few months prior, he had been in the mall buying an engagement ring for his previous-girlfriend... when she called to break up with him. (Horrible isn't it!)
When I found out about this tragedy in his life it only made me think, aw, poor guy. He needs someone to love, in a very Anne Hathaway redoes a Queen song kind of way.
But things with him ended, and up popped number 2.
2. Exactly a year ago I was dating this great guy (or everyone kept telling me how great and sexy he was). Prior to our date-scapades, he had actually been engaged to a gorgeous woman. I'm talking tall, great body, gorgeous features, everything-a-man-could-ask-for-woman. They were engaged for 2 years, until the month before, when she broke up with him, and (oooh lucky me!) I snagged him up. (He's now married to the gorgeous woman).
I viewed his recent nuptials as an effect of our dating. Blinded by jealousy and passion for number 2 (in my mind at least), the other woman realized how much she loved him and true love was allowed to be together. Cause to be honest, I didn't find him that sexy.
Time passed and 3 happened along.
3. At the beginning of the year, I met a guy online, and we hit it off instantly upon meeting. We had a few dates and that's when he dropped the bomb. He wasn't looking for anything serious because his fiance of six years and he had just broken it off, two weeks before dating me. (It ended, which is what led to number 4).
Here's where I began to get cynical. Sure, I could blow off the other two as happenstances of romance. Number 1 had been heart brokenly devastated so nothing was really going to work out, and Number 2 and I were clearly not bound for the train of destiny, which didn't break my heart. But Number 3, had just ridden on a 6 year emotional roller coaster, only to pull me in as he was getting flung out of the seat because he didn't wear a safety belt.
And this final guy is when I realized how vapid my dating life had become.
4. I met a guy at a bar a month or so ago, and he was the sound tech for the band, and we had easy enough conversation; he wasn't bad looking. He asked for my number and Wala! We had a date! The following conversation happened 10 mins into our date.
He says, "So I need to tell you something."
"O.K., I'm open minded, shoot."
"I am technically still married."
Shoot. Me. In The. Face.
I don't know about you, but I'm not that open minded.
WHO DOES THAT! I mean I've seen it in movies, but in real life! WHY would you go out on a date, with someone when you know that you're still MARRIED?
After hitting the all time low in my dating life. I have made a pact with myself.
For the next year, I've decided that if someone is fresh out of engagements or marriage, guess what! I'm not going to date them, because (1) I'm more than a rebound and (2) they're usually the men with the most issues. And really if you're starting a fresh exciting relationship... who wants to date someone with piles and piles issues? & (3) The only kind of people I've yet to date in regards to the whole being married/engaged range is divorced and widowed, and I don't think I'm emotionally ready for either.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
A Girl Walks into a Bar...
One of my friends recently went out into DC and had an awesome time. She danced the night away. Met cute guys, and had some alcohol. She went home with the people she came with, and went to bed.
Then she got a text.
Think late night text. Think tons of texts, over a period of several days. All saying very similar things.
"Hey, let's meet up!"
"Hey, what's up!"
"Had a great time last night! Do it again?"
For a while she responded, and it was just another guy from a bar. But she realized how uninterested she actually was, and stopped responding.
The texts kept coming.
They didn't stop.
But still she refrained from responding.
Then one night, as she was getting ready for the next day she gets a text from him, "Hey do you want me to stop talking to you? Because you're not responding, and I'm getting that vibe" (or something really similar... )
And she responded, "I think that would be for the best."
Hours pass...
He says, "So... should I delete your number."
"Probably so..."
"Is it because I didn't take you on a date?! Would you want to go on a date with me?!"
"Nope, not interested."
"I guess I lost my chance, :("
She doesn't respond and crawls into bed.
at 2:43 in the morning, he texts again... "I could have loved you." No joke. A random guy in a bar actually texted her, "I could have loved you."
First off, mad props to her for grabbing a guy's heart in only one night.
Now here's my question. What planet is John Doe living on, where that is a kosher text?! I can understand being disappointed in losing a potential, but how does someone go about deciding that after their potential shoots them down point blank, they should mention love?
Desperation people. Stop resorting to desperation. If someone says no... that means no. There are nearly 7 BILLION people on the earth. Resorting to petty despair over someone you hardly know isn't endearing. It's pathetic. Fish. Sea. There's tons of them. Why resort to belittling yourself in order to reach out to one person, who has already said not interested...
Now I'm not sure if the guy was trying to pander to the female need of love and connection, but she already told him that he should stop texting her and delete her number.
So here's the moral of the story: If you meet someone, and they no longer seem interested, stop bombarding them with texts. It's unattractive. Because odds are, with the amount of time you're wasting on the uninterested party, you could have found 2 other potentials. Both of which probably could have loved you back.
(Disclaimer: all texts aside from "I could have loved you" are approximate wordings. Actual texts were similar in meaning)
Then she got a text.
Think late night text. Think tons of texts, over a period of several days. All saying very similar things.
"Hey, let's meet up!"
"Hey, what's up!"
"Had a great time last night! Do it again?"
For a while she responded, and it was just another guy from a bar. But she realized how uninterested she actually was, and stopped responding.
The texts kept coming.
They didn't stop.
But still she refrained from responding.
Then one night, as she was getting ready for the next day she gets a text from him, "Hey do you want me to stop talking to you? Because you're not responding, and I'm getting that vibe" (or something really similar... )
And she responded, "I think that would be for the best."
Hours pass...
He says, "So... should I delete your number."
"Probably so..."
"Is it because I didn't take you on a date?! Would you want to go on a date with me?!"
"Nope, not interested."
"I guess I lost my chance, :("
She doesn't respond and crawls into bed.
at 2:43 in the morning, he texts again... "I could have loved you." No joke. A random guy in a bar actually texted her, "I could have loved you."
First off, mad props to her for grabbing a guy's heart in only one night.
Now here's my question. What planet is John Doe living on, where that is a kosher text?! I can understand being disappointed in losing a potential, but how does someone go about deciding that after their potential shoots them down point blank, they should mention love?
Desperation people. Stop resorting to desperation. If someone says no... that means no. There are nearly 7 BILLION people on the earth. Resorting to petty despair over someone you hardly know isn't endearing. It's pathetic. Fish. Sea. There's tons of them. Why resort to belittling yourself in order to reach out to one person, who has already said not interested...
Now I'm not sure if the guy was trying to pander to the female need of love and connection, but she already told him that he should stop texting her and delete her number.
So here's the moral of the story: If you meet someone, and they no longer seem interested, stop bombarding them with texts. It's unattractive. Because odds are, with the amount of time you're wasting on the uninterested party, you could have found 2 other potentials. Both of which probably could have loved you back.
(Disclaimer: all texts aside from "I could have loved you" are approximate wordings. Actual texts were similar in meaning)
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